Seek to Understand

 "The quieter you become, the more you can hear." Ram Dass

Yesterday morning I learned that the monks route had shifted and they would be walking within a half mile of my house. Peanut and I donned our walking shoes and walked up to see them walk by.

As we waited the hour in the gas station parking lot, we met so many kind people.

Peanut and I had talked about how the monks are so concerned about the divisiveness in our country that they took to action.

By putting one foot in front of the other, they are bringing awareness.

As I perused the internet last night, I learned that the rest of our community did not greet the monks with such respect and kindness.

There were people with megaphones "preaching" at them while they were talking. People with signs filled with hate. People yelling about how they were going to hell.

To say I'm disappointed in our community is an understatement.

But what I'm really saddened by is that our community represented themselves this way in the name of Jesus.

We apparently don't read the same Gospels.

If I was faithless at one of these events, I'm given the option of Buddhism which is promoting peace, love, joy, kindness, respect. And Christianity which is promoting fear, hate, judgement.

This was not a "let me tell you about my Jesus" through my respectful actions and kind words vibe.

Perhaps people are going out in droves to see the monks because they are desperate for something that looks different than the Christian Nationalism being displayed today.

In our home we have a mantra - "Seek to understand."

We want our kids to be curious and not judgmental.

Don't assume someone doesn't love Jesus because they went to see the monks.

Be curious. Seek to understand.

Look for similarities.

From a curious posture, we allow room for connections.

If you want to someone to follow Jesus, you are going to have to invest in their life. You are going to have to begin by seeking to understand. Where do they come from? What religious experiences do they have? What church trauma is in their baggage?

If you are trying to sell someone on a faith based on forgiveness and love, starting with judgement and fear seems like the wrong path.

Mama Warriors, I, like the monks, have deep concerns about the status of our community and the larger nation.

We have become a community that focuses on differences rather than similarities. We've become a community that focuses on judgement rather than curiosity. We've become a community that is breeding hate instead of love.

And thus, we are raising kids who don't know how to have hard conversations. We are raising kids who don't look first for connections, but rather begin with judgements. We are raising kids that focus more on being right than righteous.

Let's seek to understand.

Let's raise kids who seek to understand.

Christmas Challenge

 "We see what we know how to see. We also see what we want to see. Those limitations keep us from finding what we need." Monica DiCristina

Today I saw our UPS driver for the first time since the holidays. He asked "Did you have a good Christmas?"

I say yes because I think that's the right response. It's definitely the easy response. The "yes you can go on your way" response.

What I would say if our UPS driver had 45 minutes is that Christmas is at best complicated.

I'm not sure what defines a "good Christmas." If you ask most kids, the immediate thought is "did they get a gift they loved?"

So, yes I received a thoughtful gift.

If you ask most adults, you're asking "did you spend time with people you love?"

So, yes I spent time with people I loved.

Sometimes Christmas becomes this checklist. Did I go to all the things? Did I prepare all the meals? Did we show up for all the events? Was there magic made by December 25th?

So, yes. Gifts were bought. Events were attended. Magic was made.

This year I raised the bar in what I asked of myself mentally. I challenged myself to dig deeper into the advent story. I challenged myself to attend church all of the services during Advent. I challenged myself to wrestle with the story of advent in the contextually appropriate historical and cultural context.

I realized this year that Christmas is this challenge.

It is this opportunity to pause for a moment and look at the biblical story of corruption in power, of discrimination against the immigrant, the deep divide between the wealthy and the poor. The damage done when an empire is run by egotistical fear.

When we tell the Advent story in children's plays - no one plays King Herod.

King Herod's role and the subsequent role of the Magi are interconnected.

We leave him out I think because it's not pretty.

It causes us to look in the mirror.

If we only leave the "good characters" in the story, we look in the mirror and see only the good.

If we are challenged to look at the people in power, we might find a glimpse of ourselves in them. We might have to reckon with some unpleasantness amongst the lights and pretty wrapped gifts.

I think we would often like to have the AI version of Christmas. The one cleaned up, brushed off, made to look like an "All American Christmas."

Mama Warriors as you begin (or continue) to take down the decorations (unless you are Episcopal/Anglican and those babies stay up until Epiphany), I hope you hold a bit of the Christmas story year round.

I hope you feel the need to wrestle with and to think about ALL the characters in the Christmas story.

I hope you use each character as a mirror.

When you read these bible stories with your kids, ask the question- Whose story is being told? Whose is missing?

Advent's call to Action

 "The first advent revealed that leaning into God's coming justice puts people at odds with society's and religion's definitions of holiness. Advent just might make life harder." Kelly Nikondeha

A couple of years ago Peanut came to me one morning with the big Christmas question.

"Is Santa real?"

The science lover in her had been circling the question for a few years. Making hypotheses, investigating, asking questions. I always avoided answering by returning questions with questions.

Peanut is a lover of all things magical. While many little girls enjoyed playing with dolls, Peanut did not. She played with unicorns and fairies. Peanut devoured books of great fantasy such as Wings of Fire about a clan of great dragons. She developed a love for role playing games and consistently is creating new fantastical characters. Peanut's favorite Christmas movie is the NIghtmare Before Christmas.

Peanut lived into the magic of Christmas. She woke every morning to find the elf. She leaned into all the stories about Santa. I knew this question was going to shift her holiday experience.

We talked for a bit - what do you think? What would that mean if he was? What if he wasn't?

Finally I looked at Peanut and asked her if she really wanted to know the truth.

Sometimes, it's okay to tuck that little questioning nugget aside because once you know truth - it forces you to embrace it. It nags at you. It colors how you see the world.

Peanut insisted she was ready. She needed truth.

So then came the big conversation about all the things magic by the light of the Christmas tree. About the heart behind it.

And then came the total devastation of childhood.

Well- at least for the moment. Peanut flipped out. "WHY did you tell me?"

Um, because you asked?

These are the things they don't cover in the parenting books.

We worked through this new information over a few days. Then Peanut came to me and asked, "Could you just pretend I don't know?"

Being days from Christmas, I just said yes because .........December.

Last year, I explained to Peanut that we could participate in the magic fun while still knowing the truth. The elf could move and occasionally bring a Christmas treat and we could all know it was me.

And we could let other families enjoy the magic, or not, but it wasn't our place to make that decision.

As I move this little elf again this year, Snowflake is her name, I've been thinking about this idea of knowing truth.

Once I know something to be true I'm tasked with doing something with that information.

And that can feel hard and overwhelming.

Advent reminds us that truth comes with a cost.

The birth of this baby shook the political systems of the day. And should continue to shake them now.

The birth of this baby should cause us to speak up when the values He stands for are being run over by people in power.

Advent is not an ending.

It's a beginning.

A call for justice and mercy and hope and love.

Mama Warriors, I think we are all working to teach our kids truth as we know it.

I think where we may all be struggling is that truth calls us into action.

As we load the local food pantry closets, I remind Peanut - we do this because we are called to help those in need.

As we volunteer to tutor kids in reading and literacy, I remind Peanut - we do this because we are called to help those who are struggling.

As we stop and hand a blanket to a displaced person in a parking lot, I remind Peanut - we do this because we are called to help those without homes.

Advent calls us into action.

It reminds us of the mission.

ReImagine the Holidays

 "Blessed are we who work without seeing the end,

who plant seeds and trust God with the growing.

Blessed are we who find freedom in the unfinished,

and peace in the stubborn promise of hope." Kate Bowler

In the last year, our family experienced 3 deaths between Thanksgiving and Easter.

In that same time period, we moved SD's dad into a hospice facility as his dementia and health had rapidly declined.

Last year the holidays were a survival mode.

This year as we approached the holidays we had to figure out what this new normal looks like.

Our first Thanksgiving together in 1998 we attended 6 Thanksgiving events. In two days.

Over the years we've shifted what "tradition" looks like and I'll be honest, the tradition is that we don't spend Thanksgiving all together.

Let's be honest, lots of people is not everyone's cup of tea. And we don't leave every family function feeling warm and cozy vibes.

We've learned over the years that even just the 5 of us do better with outdoors or an activity than a stressful meal around the table.

This year I knew we needed a change.

We decided as a family to reimagine Thanksgiving.

We skipped the traditional Thanksgiving all together.

And it was everything our family needed this year.

I want to gift our kids a holiday season that does not feel like a burden.

I want them to never feel like a Thursday in November at 1 to eat this specific thing is what is expected of them.

I want them to have the freedom to balance all the "musts" of the holiday season.

We booked 4 days in a cabin in Helen.

We gave our kids the dates and told them they were welcome anytime just to let us know when/if they planned on coming so we could prepare for meals and activities.

Thanksgiving Day SD, Peanut and I watched the Thanksgiving parade in our pjs. We ate a leisurely pancake breakfast. We went for a wonderful walk. We *might* have eaten a very large pretzel for lunch. We grilled out hamburgers. We lounged in the hot tub. We laughed at our crazy dog.

On Friday our big kids joined us for the day. We rode the Mountain coaster (and by we, I mean them), shopped in town, attended the lighting of the Village, and lingered over a meal with live music.

Thanksgiving. Reimagined.

Mama Warriors, as many of us shift into this new season of parenthood with adults who have work schedules, friend/relationship commitments, their own visions of holidays, I encourage you not to be afraid to reimagine.

To make space for the idea that maybe time together is enough and it can look different. It can be on a different day.

The holidays are a SEASON.

Not just two days in November and December.

Maybe you ask your people what portions of the holidays are their favorite and you get that on your calendar and you let go of the expectations that holidays will look the same year to year.

Maybe reimaging becomes the new normal.

Maybe pretzels are the new Thanksgiving food.

Zoom Out

 “I know you know this, but I want to repeat that when someone(s) treats you poorly, it is a reflection of him or herself and the misery within the heart of them. It doesn’t help a bit to hear that when you’re young, but later it will.”― Virginia Evans, The Correspondent

This morning I finished listening to The Correspondent on audio book. It's a lovely book and definitely recommend it on audio versus print (which is an odd preference for me).

The book is a collection of letters between the main character and all the people in her life. Her life story unfolds in this montage of letters, and occasionally emails as technology evolves.

I think the book spoke to me because as you may know, I am a writer at heart.

In the times before the internet, I wrote paper and pencil letters to friends. Keeping the post office in business one stamp at a time. I still send cards with more than one sentence - that's my own personal rule. Make a connection.

In college I would lie on my bed and write lengthy letters to high school friends, or later college friends that had moved on.

When the big kids were little, I would pen lengthy emails to friends during nap time.

As I listened to this book I thought about what we've gained and lost as methods of communication have changed.

We can now see short status updates or pictures on facebook but those aren't personalized for me or you. Generic- "here's what we are doing."

We can now send messages via social media or cell phone texts - short blurbs or long ramblings to specific friends/family.

We can see video messages on several different platforms letting us "see" the other person and listen to their thoughts in real time.

I use all of these and enjoy getting glimpses into the days of my friends in real time.

However, I realized as I listened to this book that there's something we've lost that we used to get in letter writing.

Letters force you to sort of zoom out - big picture if you will.

In a letter you don't typically go through every movement of every day but rather "here's the big picture of what's happening - here's what is important and why."

I started to wonder if the things I worry or complain about in messages would actually make it into a letter?

Most of them probably not because the problem would be resolved or in route to resolution by the time I wrote a letter for most things.

I think technology affords us some avenues of connection but I also think it allows us to minimize our communication.

It makes us think that because we are aware of the "details" of someone's life, that we know the big picture.

Just because I know what movie you saw Saturday does not mean I know how your emotional state is doing.

But we are tricked into thinking we do.

I've been thinking about this "zoom out" perspective in other areas of my life.

We are all very caught up on arguing the details on various issues.

I think if we could zoom out, we might find that on a big picture scale we see things more similarly than not.

If we spent less time arguing about a single verse of scripture in the bible, we might have space to zoom out and discern that we both think the character of God is good.

If we spent less time debating a single issue in politics, we might have space to zoom out and discern that we both think people should be treated humanely with kindness.

Mama Warriors as we raise children in the evolving world of technology, I think we have to constantly be aware of our need to zoom out.

As we read stories with our children, let's zoom out and find the big picture ideas.

As we have conversations with our friends and family, let's zoom out and find the big ideas where common ground exists.

As we grow in our faith, let's zoom out and make space for the big mystery of God rather than trying to place God in a box with the details.

Not Either, Or .....Both, And

 "We were largely taught WHAT to believe instead of HOW to believe. We had faith IN Jesus often as if he were an idol, more than sharing the expansive faith of Jesus, which is always humble and patient (Matt 11:25) and can be understood only by the humble and the patient." (Universal Christ by Richard Rohr)

The "in between years" are tough. There are these glimpses of childhood. The fun hat, the viewing of the latest animated movie, the way she lays next to me at night before we tuck her in.

And then.

There are these glimpses of teen years. The snark. The need to be right about absolutely everything. The insistent she doesn't need help when she clearly does.

But then, childhood brings this physicalness to parenting. Needing help with tying shoes, getting back to sleep, all the things.

And then, teen years bring vibrant conversations, people tie their own shoes and buckle themselves in -and eventually drive themselves places.

Challenges in both.

But good in both.

After a particularly hard day the other day, I signed myself up for a parenting class. A first. On kid #3.

Not because I expect to learn anything ground breaking but because I need a reminder of what my core values are.

I was reminded that I SEE what I LOOK for.

At the end of the day, both the childhood and teen moments exist but what I place the emphasis on as challenging is what sticks with me.

Each night as I lay down to go to sleep I pray this prayer

"Guide us waking, O Lord, and guard us sleeping; that awake

we may watch with Christ, and asleep we may rest in peace." (Compline, book of Common Prayer)

I've been thinking about this week.

Guide us waking O Lord that awake we may watch with Christ.

Be with us that we may remain present to you. Engaged.

I'm watching the world around me "with Christ" and trying to discern where we see Jesus.

I'm struggling because some see Jesus in the ICE agent while others see Jesus in the zip tied children on the streets of Chicago.

Some see Jesus in the current administration while others see Jesus in the people with special needs whose programs are being cut.

Some see Jesus in the Health and Human Services leadership while others see Jesus in the doctors serving patients.

Some see Jesus in the legislatures while others see Jesus in the government employees not being paid.

The examples are endless but the push pull is the same.

We see Jesus through our own lens.

We are convinced that our version of Christianity is the only right path.

I think often we prioritize our own pocket and what we consider is "ours" over this larger idea of loving each other.

I wonder sometimes do we see what we are looking for?

Are there bits of childhood and teen years but we only see one because that's the grass we are watering?

Is there a space where people might say, we need change BUT this isn't how we get there?

Not an either , or.

But a two things are true.

Mama Warriors, we are all doing the next right thing from our own perspective.

I challenge us to take a step toward the middle and see both sides.

Let's raise kids who know how to come to the table with not either or but both and.

Kids who can be problem solvers rather than kids who promote division.

Let's look at our own kids with both and eyes.

Childhood and teen.

Good on both sides.