"If you just stop doing, you'll start knowing. ........But what I really needed to do to save myself was let myself sink."
This morning one of Peanut's words was "belong." Each day she gets 4 words that she writes and illustrates.
I came to look at her picture and got lost in my own thoughts for a few minutes.
For belong, she drew a picture of herself with friends. Belong as in "Lyndie a member of this group."
I stared thinking for a bit about what it means to belong and where I feel like I belong.
I definitely did not belong in middle or high school. I have very few "fond" memories of those years. I'm not sure college was where I belonged, or where I found myself (though I did pick up 2 unlikely quarter friends).
I did get that expensive degree taking up space in my basement so there's that.
In my young mothering years I did desperately want to belong somewhere. With adult people who had real conversations with me. I tried multiple mom groups, play spaces, mommy and me classes. Each leaving me feeling more like an outsider.
I've never solidly fit in one group. I've always been a "stay at home" mom but I've also always worked part time either in or out or both of my home. I've been a homeschooling mom these last 11 years but again, I worked part time so when I wasn't schooling mine I was schooling others. I'm an advocate for natural parenting but my kids eat Little Debbies like they are good for them. I had two tweens but then was at home nursing a newborn baby.
I've always sort of had a foot in various mom groups but you need two feet to be a full fledged member.
Then came church. If you want to find your out of placeness start wrestling with the Bible and ask the big questions.
In my 40s I've come into this unique space where I don't feel like I belong many places and I'm totally okay with that.
Because you see, I belong to ME.
".....break up your unplowed ground for it is time to seek the Lord" (Hosea 10:12)
So - I'm breaking up my unplowed ground. I'm working on me - and I'm giving you glimpses.
I'm breaking up my unplowed ground, I'm sowing new seeds, I'm looking UP. Because I don't want to miss this season - I want to see Him throughout my day.
Mama Warriors, God uses imperfect people. I truly believe that where your challenges are, lies your calling.
Your NOT belonging I very much think IS your belonging.
It's your unplowed ground.
I'm honestly a little bothered by Peanut's drawing because I want her sense of belonging to be something deep in her soul. A knowing.
I don't want it to be dependent upon other people.
I want her to continually work on her unplowed ground. I want her to feel her feet deep in the soil.
I want that for you too!
