See Don't Look

 "Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough. Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving—even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.”

Brene Brown

Peanut and I keep an audiobook going for car rides, painting afternoons, or while we are cooking dinner.

Over the last month we listened to a book series where the characters turn 11, 12 and now we are on the book 13.

One of my favorite things about listening to an audiobook with her is that we can pause it. Often we both want to pause it at the same time.

In the last book we finished, you hear the main character say

“She shakes her head. “No. Other people look. You see. Looking isn’t the same as seeing.” And with that completely bizarre statement, she gets up and leaves. My mouth falls open a little at the abruptness of it all.”

At the exact same time we both said "Oooh that's good."

Looking isn't the same as seeing.

That's what we all inherently crave.

To be seen.

As I watched Peanut open her birthday presents at her birthday party, I thought "her friends SEE her." There were gifts of dragons, water colors, art supplies, Hamilton theater themed things. All the things that are authentically loved by Peanut.

Stepping into motherhood often means we stepped out of other environments where we felt seen.

Sometimes we stumble trying to figure out how to be seen when everyone really just sees the kids.

If you ask a mom how she's doing, you will often get a run down of her husband, kids and extended family.

"I'm fine. Kid one is ......."

Over the past week, I've tried to lean in and pay attention to the times I've felt seen.

Someone asked me to speak at church about church healing. They SEE me. See my spiritual journey and honored that by inviting me to share.

Someone got me tickets to hear my favorite author. They SEE me. I've mentioned that in passing and they remembered.

Someone stopped me at church to ask me about my blog. To comment on my writing. They SEE me.

Someone messages me every time the weather changes. They SEE me. They know I hate the heat and need to soak up this cool morning.

Someone sends me all the funny memes. The ones that I will laugh at. They SEE me.

Someone notices it's been a few days since I've sent a video message. They SEE me. They message, "are you okay?"

I realized that I now feel seen because I've stopped trying to fit into places where I don't belong.

I've left rooms where my voice is not welcome.

I've established healthy boundaries.

I've accepted who I am.

That's a journey right?

Mama Warriors, I hope you have spaces where you feel authentically seen.

Where you don't have to think before you speak.

Where you don't censor yourself.

And if you don't, I encourage you to wonder why not? Maybe it's time to step out of the spaces you are in and do the hard work of finding new spaces.

Spaces where people give you 3 D printed dragon earrings because they know that will make you squeal with delight.

I Left Church

 What if people were invited to come tell what they already know of God instead of to learn what they are supposed to believe? What if they were blessed for what they are doing in the world instead of chastened for not doing more at church? What if church felt more like a way station than a destination? What if the church’s job were to move people out the door instead of trying to keep them in, by convincing them that God needed them more in the world than in the church?”― Barbara Brown Taylor

2013 was a whirlwind year for me.

My "just one more" was born. A long answered prayer.

My body quit digesting and keeping food. I was malnourished and not functioning. Doctors were puzzled.

And somewhere between those two extreme emotions - great joy and intense sorrow, I lost my faith.

I felt like I "should" have it.

But I only had half the prayer.

"Lord I believe, help my unbelief."

I was solidly in camp two.

I picked up this book at the library, "Leaving Church" because that's what I had done.

I had left the church.

If we were getting technical, the church left me first but that's neither here nor there.

I devoured the book. Returned it to the library. Bought my own copy and read it again and again.

Barbara Brown Taylor gave words to all the things I was feeling.

Sometimes you have to leave church to find your faith.

The two can be, but aren't always, connected.

Showing up at church does not equal being a Christian . Much like the author who says "sitting in the garage does not make you a car."

Over the next decade I would devour everything she wrote, and then everything she recommended.

She gave me the freedom to live into camp two.

Help my unbelief.

She gave me permission (not that I needed it, but I felt like I did) to wrestle and wonder.

Last night I had the privilege of hearing her speak and be inducted into the Georgia Writers Hall of Fame.

It was everything I thought it would be and more.

She was vulnerable and witty, kind and wise, authentic and yet humble.

As I waited in line to have her autograph my well worn copy (in full fan girl mode let me tell you), I realized I had come full circle.

I had left church.

I have returned to church.

"Formed, deformed, and reformed."

As we often are after a rebuilding, I am better for it.

I'd like to believe that that I've embraced camp one and two.

I believe, help my unbelief.

Mama Warriors, if you too have left church, my guess would be it's probably more about the people and less about God.

The folks walking around calling themselves Christian often don't represent Jesus well. I'd like to think he would tell them to take off their "WWJD bracelets" because they've got it wrong.

The gospel clearly shows Jesus as radical, inclusive, empathetic and self sacrificing.

I think many churches have put Jesus in a box he was never in.

I encourage you to find your eraser and open yourself up to what the divine looks like to you.

Maybe, just maybe, you left church but not Jesus.

Make the Coffee

"There was this study done, where if you put kids in a field and there's a fence around the field, they will sit on the perimeter of the field by the fence. 

If you put kids in a field and there's no fence, they'll huddle up together in the field. 

Our job (as moms) is to be the fence so that they feel safe around the perimeter. " (Jennifer Garner) 

Xman had to leave for work at 8:00  this morning. He mentioned last night he wanted to get up around 6:30 so he had time to drink coffee, shower and not be rushed. 

I got up this morning to make the coffee and soak up that time with him before he left. 

Because I know, if I'm up, he'll sit with me while he drinks that cup of coffee and he'll sort of ramble about this or that. 

My parenting role in these teen years seems to be a lot of fence providing. 

Deciding where he can and can't drive himself, what time he has to be home, what the limits are, what to say no to, and equally important as to what to say yes to. 

Relying on his roots as he very much wants to spread his wings. 

Trusting the seeds we've planted. 

I was listening to this podcase where Jennifer Garner was sharing about her new movie. 

She mentioned that originally the script was written where the teenagers were snarky and rude. She said she shared that it hasn't at all been her experience. Her kids are great. Their friends are lovely. 

The heart break in parenting is that they are lovely and they grow up. 

They are lovely people who you want to spend time with, and they grow up. 

So in this season, I get up on the Saturday mornings and I make the coffee. 

I linger. I wait for him to wake up. 

And I soak up the loveliness before he remembers he's a busy a teenager with places to go. Other people to hang out with. 

It's not always sunshine and rainbows. 

Being the fence to someone who doesn't think they need a fence is an exhausting job. 

And often hearbreaking because teenagers, like all humans, don't always think of the hurtfulness of words said in a moment of frustration. 

They have no appreciation for the fence builders. 

I'll confess. Sometimes it's hard to be the grown up and remember that underneath what at first glance seems like a self absorbed gentle giant, there is a kind and generous kid who is learning how to respond rather than react. 

Much like his mother has been his entire life. 

Mama Warriors, each school year I set a personal goal for me. This year I chose 

"Relationship over tasks"

It's been challenging for me to allow many tasks to not be done in the timely manner I would have preferred, or maybe not even to the level of quality that I would like. Or to shift my focus on the time I spend with the kids from "getting stuff done" to "just being." 

I've chosen to focus on the relationship over the task. 

Not that the tasks never have to be done, or that we accept less than our kids best, just that in each moment I choose the relationship before the task. 

I choose to focus on how lovely they are to be around. 

Build the fences but then don't forget to hang out there. 

Remember to just be with your kids. 

Remember how lovely they are to be around. 

Make the coffee.

Pink Boxes

 "The path only unfolds behind us,

our steps themselves laying down the road.

You can look back and see the sign posts -

the ones you followed and the ones you missed -

but there are no markers for what lies ahead." Antonio Machado

The calendar turned to April this week.

We celebrated the 12th birthday of the Peanut. Another anniversary came and went. Spring break arrived.

The challenging piece is that the hard remained. The new normal after the grief. The navigating ever changing challenges with elderly family members. Family dynamics. Decisions to make.

This is sort of the ebb and flow of life though?

The good comes with the bad. Sometimes they are clearly defined. Other times we aren't sure what's good or bad until down the road.

Good and bad are fairly subjective terms.

We can't see clearly until we are past.

The hard thing about life is the path is made by walking.

One foot in front of the other.

Each day the "next right thing."

On Saturday morning, amongst the hardest day this week, this scrumptious pink box showed up on my doorstep.

Some sweet friends sent our family a treat.

At the end of a long, hard day, there were cookies.

Each time I pass this pink box on my kitchen counter, I am reminded that while we must make a lot of these decisions, while we must do a lot of these hard things - we are not alone.

We are held.

We are loved.

There are cookies.

And because there are cookies, we can walk the path another day.

Mama Warriors, I hope there are people in your life who show up in a pink box kind of way. Just a thoughtful nod to say "I see that this is hard and I'm thinking of you."

And I hope you show up for others in a pink box kind of way to say "I stand in this gap with you. This not sure how to keep walking but we are."

Pink boxes.

Moisturize

"Age has given me what I've been looking for my entire life - it has given me, ME. It has provided me with time and experience and failures and triumphs."

My last two years in college I lived in an apartment with a roommate. I met her the year before in the dorms - she lived across the hall. 

She was everything I wasn't, but definitely what I was pretending to be. 

She entered college acutely aware of her strengths and weaknesses. She  already knew her major, and diligently worked toward her end goal. She exuded confidence. 

Basically, she knew who she was. 

And loved herself. 

Last night, as I was applying lotion to our Peanut after her bath, I thought about that last roommate. 

Every night after she showered, she put on a robe, sat on our couch and applied lotion all over her body. It was a diligent routine. 

I can assure you her 19 year old legs did not need moisturizing. But she did it anyway. 

When I teased her about it, she said there would come a time when her body would need it, such as after a sunburn or as she aged, and she'd be ready. She would be in the habit of giving her body what it needed. 

I thought about how often when I come down with something it's because I haven't been giving my body what it needs. I'm not in the habit of nourishing it well when it's not an emergency. Suddenly, when I'm not feeling well, I can find my vitamins, drink some water, prioritize rest. 

I think our souls are similar. 

When we enter a season of challenge, it's like we've walked into the desert. 

We're not moisturized and ready. We aren't in the habit of giving our souls what it needs every day until it's an emergency. 

Then suddenly we are trying to pour out from empty. From dry. 

Sweet Daddy calls this the season of Michele in a joking manner. April is our anniversary and Easter (one of my favorites), May is my birthday and Mother's Day. In husband terms, it's remember to write 3 cards in a span of 6 weeks. 

As I've gotten older, and especially in the last few years as my body and soul have demanded it, I've learned that it always has to be a season of Michele in a sense. 

I always have to recognize what nourishes my body, my mind, my soul, my relationships,my emotions. 

I always have to maintain a level of oil in my lamp. I can no longer operate continually from empty. 

To be the kind of wife, mother, friend, relative that I want to be - I have to lean in to what makes me ME. 

Mama Warriors, as we walk Lent, I challenge you to get in the habit of putting on your lotion every day. 

Nourish your body, your mind, your soul EVERY single day in some small way. 

Not just so you are ready when a time of crisis comes, but so you can be the YOU He created you to be.

The Story of Us

 "We're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight." The Story of Us

Confession.

I never wanted a wedding.

Some girls grow up wanting to be a princess and have this fairy tale wedding day.

I never intended to get married, so it never occurred to me to envision a wedding.

I had never seen marriage done right. Not once. No one close to me had a marriage where I thought "yes, sign me up for that."

In fact, the exact opposite.

I thought, um hell no. Not happening.

I got a bachelor's degree. I got a master's degree. My main goal in life was to have options. Opportunities. But mostly options.

I never wanted to "need" marriage. Marriage made you trapped. The version of marriage I had seen was limiting at best.

And then.....

There's always an "and then"? right ?

I still never wanted a wedding, but I could see a marriage.

It was a foggy vision. It took months of premarital counseling to convince me it could be done. It took years of living together and seeing what the ins and outs would look like. It took me finding my own footing, having my own health insurance.........it took me seeing we could navigate life together.

That I would be adding something.

Not subtracting.

Peanut loves to watch our wedding video. SD is emotional - a rarity. I'm bouncy excited. We're a sight for sure. For all of you that endured that with us - thank you.

I was thinking as we watched it recently that they ask you these questions and you say "I do."

If I was being honest, I should have said "I'll try."

Two people in their 20s have NO idea what they are promising. I'm just saying.

No one has caught throw up for the 4th night in a row of the 2nd kid yet. No one has navigated elderly care of grandparents or parents. No one has battled a health challenge where there seems to be no answer. No one has tried to clothe two kids on 3 digits in the checking account. Or feed them. No one has tried to get a teenager through their senior year of high school.

The list could go on.

In that "I do" moment - that is not what you are picturing.

You are picturing "I'll love you during your man cold." Or "I'll include your annoying relative in my Thanksgiving plans."

The "worst" isn't imaginable in that moment because it hasn't existed yet.

We can only see where we've been.

Marriage is waking up every day choosing to see where you CAN go.

I sat down with paper this week to list my 24 favorite moments of our marriage. I realized as I looked over my list - none of them are big fancy things. Not one.

There was the time we should have gone left at the flea market and we didn't.

The time he fell asleep during my long rambling "I think I'm in love with you speech."

The day we sat on a bench at Disney during the crying hour and thought "one day that will be us - the two parents fussing how this should be the best vacation ever as little people just cry because hello it's nap time."

The moment we stood on stage and wished our son "his best life" after surviving a rocky senior year.

They are the moments where we were on the same team. Good or bad.

I absolutely wish I lived a carousel life.

I just want to chose my animal, sit back, and have a relaxing journey.

I definitely live on one of the wildest roller coasters.

I'm barely hanging on. Then there's that moment where you think "okay, not so bad" and then it drops, rushing, faster than you can scream.

I'm thankful in my two seater roller coaster row - it's he and I.

He's buckled in next to me.

Holding my hand.

We may not "do" every day but we sure do "try."

Because only fools fall in love right?