Forgiveness and Sweet Tea

 “No one can prove that God does or doesn’t exist, but tough acts of forgiveness are pretty convincing for me…Forgiveness is the hardest work we do.” Anne Lamott

This week I took Peanut to meet her sweet friends at a local CFA to have lunch and play a role playing game they love.

We lingered over chicken and sweet tea for several hours. As it seems to go this summer, we then got trapped by a torrential downpour and thunder/lightening.

As we waited out the storm, I looked over at another table and realized someone I knew once upon a time was sitting on the other side of the restaurant.

What's the word the kids use these days? Triggered? I was immediately triggered.

Taken back to a time I just can't seem to leave behind.

This person was the catalyst for a string of events that at the very core separated one of my kids from Jesus.

This person chose who got to sit at the table. And she decided one of my kids was not worthy.

Not only did she make that decision but she rallied a church to stand behind her in it.

And they did.

People who had watched this kid grow up. People who had welcomed this kid into their homes. People I thought loved this kid. People I thought loved me.

The moms who I was raising this kid with.

Sat in meetings behind closed doors and talked about my kid. Without this kid present. Without me present.

And not one ever reached out to me about the damage done. Not one.

A church we had faithfully attended and served at for a decade shoved us out, closed the door, and not one person ever contacted us. Not one.

As I glanced at her over my sweet tea, I realized I'm still angry.

I'm always amazed at people who manage to forgive someone in what definitely feels like an unforgiveable circumstance.

I know the rhetoric we hear is that forgiveness is for US not for them.

But I want her to be sorry.

The tough work of forgiveness is that she will probably never be sorry.

She has highlighted her one line of scripture and decided she gets to be the gatekeeper to Jesus.

Maybe I should feel sorry for her?

That she somehow missed the forest for the trees.

That she somehow read the Gospel and thought it was her job to decide who sits at Jesus's table. That she missed it. That she has no idea what it means to really love your neighbor.

I'm doing the deep dive into my own work of healing.

Forgiveness I've decided is about releasing the anger.

But not forgetting.

I will never forget the damage done.

Maybe forgiveness is about learning the way forward.

That trial in our life led me to deconstruct and rebuild my faith. It was a slow and painful process.

It has made me a vocal learner about the hidden ugliness of various faith traditions in our community.

It has made me ridiculously protective of the version of Jesus that Peanut is exposed to.

No one else will tell a child of mine that they are not welcome at Jesus's table. I won't take her to a tradition that condones such ridiculousness.

Mama Warriors, I don't have a roadmap for forgiveness. Especially when it involves someone we have given birth to either from our body or our heart.

I don't think forgiveness is saying what was done is okay.

I don't think forgiveness is forgetting.

Maybe forgiveness is figuring out how to release the anger and hurt and move forward.

Maybe forgiveness is acknowledging the pain exists and sitting in it until you've dealt with all the big feelings.

Maybe forgiveness isn't a one and done.

But something you have to do while sipping your sweet tea waiting for the rain to pass. Again.