Grace for Growth

 "Loving your child by filling them with all your fears doesn't really get you anywhere" Amy Betters Midtvedt

Let me introduce you to 12.

12 is the "Actually" phase. No matter what I say, the child responds with "Actually Mom, it's.........." followed by some miniscule correction. Such as "Oh - what a pretty blue sky." ...."Actually Mom it's azure."

12 is the "Do I look okay?" FYI there is no correct answer to that. If I say "yes, of course." The response is "Ugh you are just saying that because you are my mom." If I say "I think a different shirt might work better." The response is "Ugh you don't know anything about fashion."

12 is forever the "in between" years.

12 is "Look at me Mom" as you rate the jump or flip for the 100th time.

12 is also the "Don't look at me. Ugh." Because somehow my thoughtful smile is now offensive.

12 is growing and stretching and nothing feels quite right.

I have this deep empathy for 12.

I think the 40's might just be 12 in disguise again.

On this side of 50 (woo hoo welcome a new decade) , I see a lot of 12 in the last decade.

This growing and stretching and being not quite comfortable in your own mind, body or soul.

This trying to figure out now that the kids are (mostly) grown (let's laugh), some people do their own laundry, people drive themselves places.........what now?

Turns out if you aren't always on the go, if you slow down - you might find that your soul is unsettled.

Your "Sunday school religion" might not fit you well anymore.

The group of friends you've done life with may not be in the same season anymore.

Maybe the job, the house, the places you go just aren't "yours" anymore.

You just might be in between.

And in between is uncomfortable.

I'll take my comfort zone over new any day of the week.

Mama Warriors, I think sometimes the bravest thing we can do is to admit something isn't working.

To give words to what we know somewhere in our gut.

And then........set it free.

And while we are in between, feeling out of my place in our skin, let's be kind to ourselves.

Grace for growth.

And maybe, let's have a little grace for growth for the "actually in between" phase of 12 too.

Build the Bridge

 "It's impossible not to find something likeable in everyone if we get to know them deeply." Lori Gottlieb

Each month my book club rotates who gets to pick the book of the month. Last month, one of our members picked "Legends and Lattes."

I'm going to confess - it's not a book I would have ever picked on my own. I'm not a huge fantasy reader (Fourth Wing aside) and I tend to get my book recommendations from various blogs I subscribe to which don't have a fantasy focus.

However, part of joining a book club is to stretch yourself and read things that may be outside of your comfort zone. It's design is such that you read things you may not grab off a shelf and then you discuss it.

When someone picks a book - that particular book/genre/theme says something about that person. It nods to what they find important or what they enjoy.

I read this book because the PERSON who picked the book is important to me. I read it so I could get a glimpse into why she chose it.

I feel like as moms we are pretty good at this skill within our own people.

At least once a day I take a tour of a Minecraft house that I have ZERO desire to see. But my kid is currently in a Minecraft house building phase and so into it I step.

My kid is important to me and so I step into her world. Willingly. With respect and curiosity.

I ask questions about the house. I "notice and name" - "Wow, this house has cool windows that open." (notice) "You are very creative." (name).

I do feel like though we struggle with this with the people outside our house.

We only want to do, talk about or participate in what WE want to.

If we don't step into other people's lives and experience their world, we will never fully understand each other.

And we will never know each other deeply.

And because we don't know each other deeply, we become a society divided constantly.

Our differences would seem less large if we found common ground.

We also send the message to others in our lives "What I want is more important than you."

The kids I tutor are more important than what I want so I sit through countless readings of books about Hawkeye and Dogman.

And when I sit while they read to me, I get to learn a little about what makes us the same. We all like a good laugh.

The older ladies at church are more important than what I want so I participate in listening about their garden or their grandchild.

And when I sit while they talk to me, I get to learn a little about what makes us the same. We all have a love for others.

Mama Warriors, as I continue to watch our community become more and more divided, I can't help but think connection will be what saves us.

Connection is built through stepping into someone else's world with respect and curiosity.

It's reading that book club book and wondering - where do I see myself in this book? Where might the one who chose it see themselves?

I think it's easy (sometimes) to put others first when we are in a serving frame of mind.

But what if we approached every day as an opportunity to bridge the gaps?

What if we laid boards on the bridge instead of digging the hole?

Undone

 "Engaging the faith of others will almost certainly cause you to lose faith in the old box you kept God in" Barbara Brown Taylor

Twice a week this summer, Peanut and I are volunteering in our church's literacy outreach program.

24 precious children show up in their daycare bus, unload and bound into our church.

They are greeted with warmth and smiles.

We try to work with them on not just decoding reading skills but also on general literacy skills.

The first week or two I stumbled in trying to figure out what to bring, what lessons to try to accomplish as most days the children who show up are in some hodge podge rotation.

I asked them about interests. I did some basic reading level screenings. I went to the library and got them a wide variety of books on topics they were interested in. I made them flash cards. Brought them games.

Over the last few weeks, I've realized what these children really need is someone to pay attention to them.

Someone to listen when they talk.

Someone to ask questions.

Someone to truly care about the small.

They need someone to invest in them.

So we read about Hawkeye but I also get to see their cool martial arts move they made up in case one day they become Hawkeye.

We read about emotions and I learn who likes to draw when they are sad versus who likes to withdraw in.

I want Peanut to understand that different families have to make different choices.

Perhaps no one can read with these kids individually because the single mom is outnumbered by the kids. Or the mom and dad both work incredibly hard to stay afloat so these kids have homes, food, and shoes on their feet. Many of these kids are loved incredibly by their parents - I can tell in the stories they share about their homes.

There just isn't someone to bridge the gap between school and home.

I want her to see that in a community of love - we bridge the gap.

Each week in church we say this:

"Have mercy upon us, most merciful Father; in your compassion forgive us our sings, known and unknown, things done and left undone."

It's that last phrase that catches me every single time.

Things left undone.

I think we can all (mostly) identify the things we've done that we shouldn't.

We spoke harshly when we should have held our tongue.

We participated in gossip when we should have refrained.

It's the things left undone that keep me up at night.

Did I see a need and not meet it?

From the moment the church announced the number of kids struggling with reading in our community - I had seen the need.

It falls in that category - did you see someone hungry and not feed them?

I firmly believe we are not all called to meet every need.

Our church alone announces 6-8 things a week where a need is identified.

They are not all mine to fill.

But some of them are.

Some of them are definitely my "things left undone."

So I show up each week.

The funny thing about serving to me is I always go into thinking I'm going to do something for someone else.

This past week my little table was rambunctious. They were wiggly. Working on reading when reading is hard for you is........hard. We had worked hard on decoding so we took a minute to just listen. I read them a book and they colored a bookmark to take home while they listened.

As the children lined up to board the bus to leave, one of my wiggly boys came running back, barreling into me with the most loving hug I've ever received.

I don't at all think he cares currently about his reading ability.

I do think he knows I care about him.

I do think he knows how he felt after we spent time together.

Each week as we end the service, we say :

"Send us now into the world in peace, and grant us strength and courage to love and serve you with gladness and singleness of heart."

I think about phrase a lot.

How these kids, and I, we fill our wells in different churches each week.

We draw from a different source.

But yet, singleness of heart.

Mama Warriors, I hope this summer you find a chance for your kids to serve outside your box.

To serve people who live different lives than they do.

Let's gift them the chance to see and not leave it undone.

Forgiveness and Sweet Tea

 “No one can prove that God does or doesn’t exist, but tough acts of forgiveness are pretty convincing for me…Forgiveness is the hardest work we do.” Anne Lamott

This week I took Peanut to meet her sweet friends at a local CFA to have lunch and play a role playing game they love.

We lingered over chicken and sweet tea for several hours. As it seems to go this summer, we then got trapped by a torrential downpour and thunder/lightening.

As we waited out the storm, I looked over at another table and realized someone I knew once upon a time was sitting on the other side of the restaurant.

What's the word the kids use these days? Triggered? I was immediately triggered.

Taken back to a time I just can't seem to leave behind.

This person was the catalyst for a string of events that at the very core separated one of my kids from Jesus.

This person chose who got to sit at the table. And she decided one of my kids was not worthy.

Not only did she make that decision but she rallied a church to stand behind her in it.

And they did.

People who had watched this kid grow up. People who had welcomed this kid into their homes. People I thought loved this kid. People I thought loved me.

The moms who I was raising this kid with.

Sat in meetings behind closed doors and talked about my kid. Without this kid present. Without me present.

And not one ever reached out to me about the damage done. Not one.

A church we had faithfully attended and served at for a decade shoved us out, closed the door, and not one person ever contacted us. Not one.

As I glanced at her over my sweet tea, I realized I'm still angry.

I'm always amazed at people who manage to forgive someone in what definitely feels like an unforgiveable circumstance.

I know the rhetoric we hear is that forgiveness is for US not for them.

But I want her to be sorry.

The tough work of forgiveness is that she will probably never be sorry.

She has highlighted her one line of scripture and decided she gets to be the gatekeeper to Jesus.

Maybe I should feel sorry for her?

That she somehow missed the forest for the trees.

That she somehow read the Gospel and thought it was her job to decide who sits at Jesus's table. That she missed it. That she has no idea what it means to really love your neighbor.

I'm doing the deep dive into my own work of healing.

Forgiveness I've decided is about releasing the anger.

But not forgetting.

I will never forget the damage done.

Maybe forgiveness is about learning the way forward.

That trial in our life led me to deconstruct and rebuild my faith. It was a slow and painful process.

It has made me a vocal learner about the hidden ugliness of various faith traditions in our community.

It has made me ridiculously protective of the version of Jesus that Peanut is exposed to.

No one else will tell a child of mine that they are not welcome at Jesus's table. I won't take her to a tradition that condones such ridiculousness.

Mama Warriors, I don't have a roadmap for forgiveness. Especially when it involves someone we have given birth to either from our body or our heart.

I don't think forgiveness is saying what was done is okay.

I don't think forgiveness is forgetting.

Maybe forgiveness is figuring out how to release the anger and hurt and move forward.

Maybe forgiveness is acknowledging the pain exists and sitting in it until you've dealt with all the big feelings.

Maybe forgiveness isn't a one and done.

But something you have to do while sipping your sweet tea waiting for the rain to pass. Again.

Welcome at The Table

 "If we are controlling the guest list, then it's not the Lord's table." Sarah Bessey

Our church partners with a local day care center. One of the current needs of the daycare center is reading help for their school age children.

I love that our church has a "see a need, meet a need" philosophy and so a committee was formed. Volunteers were found. And a literacy program was began. Training was completed. Supplies were bought.

Last week I had the opportunity to meet my group of 2nd and 3rd graders. I read them one of my favorite books - Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day.

Books are a great way to form connections. As I read the book, I stopped and asked the kids questions.

We ended the book by thinking about how Alexander responds to his very bad day.

He complains. He throws a fit. He has a very negative attitude.

I asked my new friends -was this helpful?

What could Alexander have done instead?

We talked about what we can do when we have a bad day.

One of my new sweet friends said "We can go to church."

I love that he has a positive relationship with church. He currently views church as a safe place. A helpful place.

A place that makes a bad day better.

A place where he feels welcome at the table.

I hope he always feels this way.

I want this for all the kids in our community. I want them to feel welcome and wanted at the Lord's table.

Because it's not MY table.

It's His.

Unfortunately I have found that many churches are making decisions on who is on the guest list at dinner.

People who are so focused on having a "biblical life" that they have lost living a life based on the character of God.

I challenge you to consider - if EVERYONE is welcome at your church - are they there?

If you look around the pews on Sunday morning, do you find people who are just like you?

Or do you find people from different walks of life, people who vote differently, people who look different?

Mama Warriors, this month as many people take the opportunity to celebrate Pride month - I challenge you to take a moment and educate yourself on the statistics that surround LGBTQ community, specifically the youth, and church.

Why is it that LGBTQ youth that attend a religious church are more likely to commit suicide? Like a double risk?

Why is it they don't feel welcome at the table?

Is it our table to decide?

*Today's boundary - if you are ugly or quote scripture at me as a weapon, I will unfriend you. If you feel a child is better off killing themself than being welcome at church as an LGBTQ youth , we will not agree. *