Dualism and Grey Living

 Dualistic thinking begins in the soul and moves to the mind and eventually moves to the streets. Richard Rohr

Each week I teach 3 math classes where my goal is the same.

To get kids to think about math as something other than a list of memorized procedures.

The hurdle is that they all come to me from having done very standard math curriculums.

They like procedures. They know procedures.

The problem with procedures is that often they don't understand the math behind the procedure.

I want them to know why we "carry the 1" - and that we aren't carrying a "1" - we are carrying 10. We don't "borrow" in my class (no one is giving that one back) - and we aren't borrowing 1, we are regrouping 10. We don't bring down a 1 - we have one ten left over to regroup. We don't "keep change change" - we use our additive inverse property and my kids can show you on a number line why it works.

The list goes on (and goodness don't get me on my soapbox of "keep change flip").

However, this is often met with some resistance.

It's faster to memorize procedures.

Memorizing procedures is what they know.

Learning typically takes place just outside your comfort zone.

I share with them that it's not a one or the other. They are welcome to use their traditional algorithms -I just want them to understand why they work.

And maybe if traditional algorithms are challenging for you, I want you to have a new way to think about a concept or skill.

My classroom isn't dualistic - it's not this OR that.

Show me your way.

But also be willing to try mine.

Being able to make space for two ideas is a skill I feel like we don't exercise quite enough.

One of the reasons I want students to be able to think about a concept or skill in more than one way is because it lays the foundation for a growth mindset.

We've become a dualistic thinking society - this or that, right or wrong, red or blue.

Fixed mindset.

There's this beautiful land of grey in between the black and white thinking.

Dualistic thinking promotes divisiveness.

And "us versus them" approach to living.

Mama Warriors, the most repeated phrase in both my classroom and my home is "tell me more."

I rarely tell a student an answer is wrong as my first comment.

Tell me how you got here. Show me the way.

Maybe we need to redirect? Maybe we don't? I won't know until I follow the thought process.

The math process is rarely all wrong.

Somewhere between the black of correct and the white of wrong, is this grey space where students can learn and grow.

Let's help our kids be people who can explore the grey.

Who are comfortable in the grey.

Let's be people who can encounter ideas different than ours and say "tell me more."

Let's set down our dualistic approach and be willing to grow.

Pretzels and Two True Things

 "We tend to see resurrection only in the long run. In the short run, it often just looks like death." Richard Rohr

Yesterday, after a tough appointment, I took myself to Sam's to pick up a few things.

My favorite thing at Sam's is the pretzel and drink. It's less than $2 and makes me happy.

They never have the pretzel. It's a running family joke. I can see it in the case. But you have to order in the app. The app won't let me order because it says they are out. The employee couldn't possibly make more. The excuses are endless.

Yesterday they had the pretzel. The drink machines weren't working but I digress....

I've given up hoping or expecting the pretzel will be there. I've resolved to expect it won't.

This is less frustrating right? I'm not disappointed because I have assumed it won't be there.

I was recently criticized for posting something "political." I've been wrestling with that.

The current climate has muddled the waters. The things happening around us are no longer in neat columns. Social. Political. Spiritual.

It's all a big muddled mess.

The way we treat people. The way we speak about people. The way we treat the "least of these." The way we approach freedom of speech.

Political is no longer what's happening on the Senate floor or in rooms in Washington, DC.

Jesus was not partisan but he was most definitely political.

He had opinions about the way the leaders treated people.

And so should we.

One of my favorite parenting resources is Dr. Becky (if you have young kids, go follow her on some platform). She has this approach called "Two things are true. "

She uses it to validate feelings but also hold boundaries.

"Two things are true. Screen time is over AND you are frustrated that you have to stop playing your game."

We can validate a feeling and hold a boundary.

Two things can be true.

I feel like we've forgotten that as a society.

We feel like we have to stand firmly in a red or blue camp.

But two things can be true.

I can have empathy for the death of a husband, father, friend AND disagree with the way he spoke about groups of people.

I can dislike something someone says AND respect their right to say it as freedom of speech.

Two things can be true.

I don't know how to exist in today's world and never cross the "political line. "

I don't know how not to be soul heavy about the way we talk about people, treat people and the hate that is breeding on both sides of the fence.

Much like my feelings about the Sam's club pretzel, I've realized I've lost hope that we are going to be a "two things are true" society.

That we can be people who say "Two things are true - I respect you as a human being created in the image of God AND I feel differently on this issue." With no name calling. No hate speech.

But yesterday there was a pretzel.

And so today, I'm going to choose to hope that we as a country, a community can find our way back to "two things are true. "

Mama Warriors, two things are true today.

You can disagree with me AND you can stay my friend.

Or you can unfollow me.

In the hope of being part of the solution and not the problem, I'm going to continue to write about kindness, about seeing the good in people, about church trauma, about hope and more.

And I can't promise that is no longer considered political by some.

I'm going to continue to remind you that two things can be true.

Show Up. Celebrate. Bring Cake.

 "Grief, as I read somewhere once, is a lazy Susan. One day it is heavy and underwater, and the next day it spins and stops at loud and rageful, and the next day at wounded keening, and the next day numbness, silence." Anne Lamott

My funeral dress is getting entirely too much wear.

4 times in 9 months.

There is this season of life where you attend weddings. Everyone you know is getting married. Half of them want you to wear a hideous expensive dress that regardless of how many times they say you will, you absolutely will never wear again. You cry as the groom sees the bride for the first time. You show up, you celebrate. You eat cake.

There is the season of baby showers. Everyone is having a baby. Open the ridiculous registry of stuff you know they will absolutely never use and you buy something. You can't wait to meet this newest little life. You guess the baby's birthdate or weight. You show up, you celebrate. You eat cake.

There is the season of birthday parties. Every trampoline park, public park, germ infested kid place. You go. It's loud. You take a toy that hopefully makes the most noise ever. You marvel how much the birthday child has grown since the last time you saw them. You smile that authentic ear to ear smile. You show up, you celebrate. You eat cake.

The thing about funerals is that they are a constant of life.

There is no "funeral season" - they appear sometimes with grace and advance notice, other times abruptly and harshly.

As I've sat through (and officiated one) I've been thinking about the event that is a funeral.

What is its purpose?

Each funeral has been vastly different in tradition, location, experience.

But they've all had one thing in common.

People show up and celebrate.

Not the death, but rather the life that was lived.

Not instead of, but in the midst of deep mourning, there is always the sharing of the gift it was to know the deceased.

The legacy that is left behind.

The gift it was to have loved the deceased.

At this most recent funeral, the officiant defined a life well lived.

We often think of a life well lived as something chronological. A calendar. A long life.

But in reality, a life well lived is not based on the number of days we are given.

But rather on what we have done with those days.

It's how we loved others, served others, showed kindness to others.

It's the connections we made.

That's the legacy we leave behind.

Mama Warriors, despite how verbose I always seem here, I am always at a loss for words when I go to fill out a sympathy card.

I've learned as I've stood in all these funerals that the most meaningful thing we can offer someone else is to show up. To celebrate the life of the deceased. To stand in mourning with others.

To take a minute to share the legacy that was left - how did the deceased touch your life? What's the memory that holds on for you?

It will never be "enough" but yet at the same time it absolutely will be appreciated.

Show up.

Celebrate.

Bring cake.

Dig Deeper

 "If we are that certain about everything.....we might be playing God, not following God." Rev Lizzie McManus-Dail

If you are a local friend, you know that the current uproar in our county is over the recent property tax vote and increase.

Until a week ago, no one seemed to be very interested or concerned about property taxes.

I would wager most people only thought about property taxes at most twice a year - when the bill was due, and when the mortgage got adjusted because of increase to either taxes or insurance.

However, in the last week EVERYONE is now a property tax expert. They are pulling records, making videos, and writing op-ed pieces for the local paper.

As happens with social media, people are sharing those posts, videos and pieces without doing any fact checking of their own.

I would assert that most people don't even know how their property tax amount is calculated. (This is fully explained on the county government website including examples)

Most people have no idea just what a "mil" is or what a 2 mil increase actually looks like on their bill. (Spoiler alert your increase is not 20% of your current bill - go do some math)

The "experts" are making accusations without any context or certification.

There is no mention on the posts about whether land is buildable or not, green space or not, easement space or not - my guess is because no one is aware that those factors play into determining property taxes.

The only voices we are hearing are those who are not qualified to speak.

The voices we listen to are important.

And more importantly, I would assert are the voices that we share with others. Because each share gives credibility that may not be due.

I've been thinking about the voices we give credit to.

As I've been choosing spiritual reads over the last year, I've been purposeful to choose books whose authors represent various diversities.

Because what we get out of a book, depends on what we bring to the table. Our own experiences, baggage, education, etc. affects how we read anything.

Including scripture.

I think we often don't check the credentials of the authors who we digest but also those who we share.

We aren't careful to make sure the voices we are listening to collectively represent all.

If your only source of commentary on the bible comes from white American men, I'd assert that you don't have the full picture.

Similarly, if your only source of information on your property taxes comes from a citizen in his 15 minutes of fame making videos, I'd assert that you don't have the full picture.

Mama Warriors, I still stand by the fact that as a community we are information rich and wisdom poor.

Take that article that you read about a specific bible verse and find other voices on the subject. Dig deeper.

Take information and turn it into wisdom.

Before you hit share on some local controversy, read the other side. Find other voices on the subject. Dig deeper.

And remember that you are talking about people without talking to people.

There's a bible verse about that.

One More

 "To love God is to love a holy mystery." Rev Lizzie McManus-Dail

Yesterday Peanut and I went to church to pray for a passing church member and his family.

Could we have prayed for these people from our home? Absolutely.

But this year my homeschool goal of the year is "One More."

I want to challenge Peanut and I to do "one more" act than is our default.

It was okay to pray for this family from home.

It was "one more" to drive to the church and sit with others who were praying for them as well.

This week as I read Governor Kemp's statement after the horrific event at Fort Stewart, I held my breath waiting for it.

Yep, there it was.

"We are keeping the victims, their families, and all those who answer the call to serve in our hearts and prayers, and we ask that Georgians everywhere do the same."

Hearts and prayers.

Thoughts and prayers.

That's okay.

Where's the "one more?"

I think in our hearts we all want to do the "one more."

But we get stuck because we aren't sure what to do.

Or we ask "What can I do?"

And the person says "Oh, we're fine."

So we send the thoughts and prayers.

I'm not saying prayers aren't good.

I'm just asserting that prayer should lead you to action.

Jesus did prayed.

But then Jesus acted.

Prayer should lead you to showing up with the meal, taking a turn on the hospital visitation, getting involved in local politics, showing up on an outreach team, etc.

Prayer should make you want to do the one more.

Mama Warriors, my own inner and loose outer circle is struggling. There's so much need.

It's not enough to just pray for all the things.

It's a beginning.

But not the end.

One more.

Facebook

Mama Deer

 "It's impossible not to find something likeable in everyone if we get to know them deeply." (Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)

One morning on my walk last week a mother deer and her two babies walked right in front of me.

She paused for a moment and looked at me. I'm sure wondering - "Are you a threat to my babies?"

I stopped and remained still and waited for her to run them across the street and into the woods.

Safe.

It's not unheard of for me to see deer in my neighborhood but it's also not a daily, nor even weekly or monthly occurrence.

I always consider it my "God wink" - my "I see you needing a reminder that my creation is good."

I'm going to confess.......scrolling news updates does not give me the impression that "good" is what surrounds me.

I've been unable to write for a while because I'm wrestling with how we speak about people and treat people as a country.

I'm a Mama Deer trying to figure out how to get babies safely to the other side of whatever this is.

And trying to discern who is safe and who is most definitely not.

I'm trying to determine how we do life together in our community when we disagree on the very dignity of human life.

Amidst putting people in inhumane conditions in cages and joking about them being eaten by alligators.........I'm trying to figure out how we do that in the name of Jesus.

Amidst name calling and ridiculing from our leaders...........I'm trying to figure out how we do that while encouraging people to share the name of Jesus but not respect other's religious rights.

I'm trying to remind myself that these kinds of decisions are done out of fear.

The same kind of fear that nailed Jesus to the cross.

Fear of progress. Fear of change. Fear of radical love.

In contrast to the loud clanging, name calling, inhumane treatment of people........Jesus rode quietly in on a donkey.

I'm finding that my job is to wave the palm branches.

And surround myself, and my kid, with people who are waving the palm branches.

To see the good. To name the good.

Mama Warriors, as the quote says above I do think we can find something likeable in everyone if we get to know each other deeply.

But I also think that likeable thing may be something that isn't significant enough to hold a relationship.

And it's okay to let that go.

Kindly and respectfully.

We can be a Mama Deer for ourselves and our kids and discern who is safe and who isn't.

You can't tell your kid to be kind to the new kid at lunch but it's also okay to speak terribly about people who vote differently than you do.

Those values contradict each other.

And they'll know it.

We've got to be a community where the baby deer can cross the street.

Otherwise there is no growth.

And growth is inevitable.

"It's impossible not to find something likeable in everyone if we get to know them deeply." (Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)

One morning on my walk last week a mother deer and her two babies walked right in front of me.

She paused for a moment and looked at me. I'm sure wondering - "Are you a threat to my babies?"

I stopped and remained still and waited for her to run them across the street and into the woods.

Safe.

It's not unheard of for me to see deer in my neighborhood but it's also not a daily, nor even weekly or monthly occurrence.

I always consider it my "God wink" - my "I see you needing a reminder that my creation is good."

I'm going to confess.......scrolling news updates does not give me the impression that "good" is what surrounds me.

I've been unable to write for a while because I'm wrestling with how we speak about people and treat people as a country.

I'm a Mama Deer trying to figure out how to get babies safely to the other side of whatever this is.

And trying to discern who is safe and who is most definitely not.

I'm trying to determine how we do life together in our community when we disagree on the very dignity of human life.

Amidst putting people in inhumane conditions in cages and joking about them being eaten by alligators.........I'm trying to figure out how we do that in the name of Jesus.

Amidst name calling and ridiculing from our leaders...........I'm trying to figure out how we do that while encouraging people to share the name of Jesus but not respect other's religious rights.

I'm trying to remind myself that these kinds of decisions are done out of fear.

The same kind of fear that nailed Jesus to the cross.

Fear of progress. Fear of change. Fear of radical love.

In contrast to the loud clanging, name calling, inhumane treatment of people........Jesus rode quietly in on a donkey.

I'm finding that my job is to wave the palm branches.

And surround myself, and my kid, with people who are waving the palm branches.

To see the good. To name the good.

Mama Warriors, as the quote says above I do think we can find something likeable in everyone if we get to know each other deeply.

But I also think that likeable thing may be something that isn't significant enough to hold a relationship.

And it's okay to let that go.

Kindly and respectfully.

We can be a Mama Deer for ourselves and our kids and discern who is safe and who isn't.

You can't tell your kid to be kind to the new kid at lunch but it's also okay to speak terribly about people who vote differently than you do.

Those values contradict each other.

And they'll know it.

We've got to be a community where the baby deer can cross the street.

Otherwise there is no growth.

And growth is inevitable.