The Lasts

 "The church is like a gym. It exists to train, equip and challenge the body of Christ to live in the light of the Gospel. But many treat the church like a restaurant that exists to feed and serve the regular patrons. That's a massive disconnect. " Jim Poor

I've watched this week as many are navigating Senior pictures. I see these heartfelt "how did we get here?" posts.

While I very much may need a support group come next fall should he chase his big dreams and no longer sleep here every night (well, no longer sleep here most nights).......

For the next 10 months though, I'm all about celebrating the journey.

I know exactly how we got here.

It was a VERY adventurous roller coaster ride.

As we enter year 13 of school, I'm going to confess being Team Xman is a full time job.

I fought with the pediatrician over what was clearly signs of anxiety. I disagreed with well meaning preschool teachers and insisted he would read when he was ready and no I was not doing flashcards with my active four year old. I've navigated bullies at church of all places. I've had hard conversations with sports coaches about how the scoreboard is not our goal. I've dealt with teachers who wouldn't listen to his side of a story.

I've held the boundaries. Defended them.

I've had ALL the talks. I've apologized, repaired and prayed over all the things.

I've swam against the grain as I've protected his childhood every step of the way. We've said "no" to good things to say "yes" to better things.

We said yes to long afternoons outside rather than full school days at a desk. We said yes to family dinners at home rather than shuffling between too many activities. We said yes to jobs, volunteer work and friends rather than AP classes and more rigorous academics.

I've said nothing when I wanted to say everything.

I've done the hard stepping back and letting him figure it out.

I've watched him fall and figure out how to get back up.

These in between years are an odd balancing act. He's still a "child" in my home, still a high school student, still has much to learn.

But we all remember being 18 right?

I expect this year to be all the things each year before has been. A time management challenge. A questioning of all the assignments (no I don't know why you must read Beowolf solo over the summer, but it is what it is). A year of deciding the priorities.

There will be SAT testing, college applications, the great search for scholarship money. The hashing out of what the next right step will be given what he's learned about himself in school, in jobs, in prayer.

There's two approaches to this year right?

The tearful "this is the last"

The exuberant "this is the last"

Mama Warriors, maybe you too fall in the last camp - we are so close. We've nearly got them through.

This is the last time I will endure open house crowds.

This is the last time I will battle over school night curfews.

This is the last time I will submit ridiculous paperwork over and over again.

As I see glimpses of what an adult relationship with this old soul of mine can be like, I know that there is beauty in this "this is the last" season but also much beauty to come.

Trim

 "What you pay attention to, is what you will remember, and what you remember is what you will anticipate in the future." Curt Thompson

Our pest control company recommended that we trim these shrubs so they are not touching the house. (if you don't use Kenny, you should - he knows ALL the things)

I decided I'd tackle a little bit each day as Peanut swims. You know, while I'm already sweating in the yard.

This is two days progress.

The more I cut, the more it seems I need to cut.

I didn't chose these shrubs. I didn't plant these shrubs. However, they are very much my problem.

I've learned that's a part of adulting I'm not a big fan of.

Regardless of how the problem got here, if I want the problem solved, it has to be ME who solves it.

And problems left unattended, never shrink or go away on their own. They seem to grow and spread.

I've also found in adulting that in order to get to the root of a problem, I always make a bigger mess along the way.

As I was looking at the pile of clippings over taking the yard, I got to thinking about my current bible study.

How the more I read, the more I unpack.

The more I unpack, the bigger mess I seem to be making.

The writer challenged me to think about my addictions.

Addictions? I currently don't have addictions.

Wait - let's define addictions she said.

"Addiction is an attachment in the wrong direction. "

I have been pruning my branches. Shaking this idea of addiction around in my head.

I'm addicted to control.

Prune some more.

My roots are from a place where things were uncertain. Unpredictable.

I'm addicted to the constant.

Prune some more.

Where's the problem in that asks my google calendar focused soul?

Control means a lack of trust.

An attachment to control means a detachment from trusting in Him.

The more I clip and trim, the bigger mess I make.

Those underlying roots begin to show. The old wounds, the past hurts, the habits.

Show me your habits, I'll show you your life someone once said to me.

What do my habits say?

Mama Warriors, I have no grand conclusions today or even words of wisdom.

Today, I challenge you to gift yourself the ability to clip and prune.

To ask the big questions.

To sit in the mess.

To let the mess speak to you.

Yes Mom

 "Life isn't about a way to a destination but about a way to travel, a way to be wholly known and still wholly loved."

A few years ago, I challenged myself to become a "Yes" mom.

Say "yes" unless I hold a justifiable reason to say "no."

I realized that my default had become "no" or better yet, "we'll see" which is really just a procrastinated "no."

A few weeks ago Xman asked me if he could go to the beach with friends for a few days.

No parents.

I asked all the mom questions - who/where/when/transportation/lodging. I made contact with another of the moms and verified the information.

And then I said "yes."

Xman can make good, or bad, decisions in ANY zip code. He can make good/bad decisions spending the night at a friends house with parents in the house. He can make good/bad decisions while driving his car any day of the week.

The core issue comes down to trust.

I trust that he won't be perfect. That he will teeter between the old responsible soul and the nearly 18 adventuresome teenage boy.

He has not given me a reason to not trust him, so I do.

I say yes.

It's been a stretching summer for this Mama.

4 airplane rides, a foreign country, a week with no communication.

A bus, a week away at camp with no communication.

3 days on a trip with friends (lots of communication )

I've spent nearly 18 years now planting seeds. Setting boundaries. Establishing connection.

I trust his roots run deep.

I trust he knows right from wrong.

I trust our connection is sturdy.

And I say yes.

I realized as I was processing something with a friend this week, that I was parented from the default of assuming the worst. I was always told "no" because it was assumed I, or someone else, would make a bad choice.

I want to gift my kids the default of thinking the best of them.

Not in a naïve or blind way, but in an effort to say to them "I trust that you can make good choices."

Mama Warriors, we are fooling ourselves if we ever think the ball is in our court.

The ball is always in their court.

It's just a matter of how much of the game we are witness to. How much of the game we are invited to watch and play in. How much of the game is shared with us.

The ball is always theirs.

I encourage you to put your connection with your kid first so you are always invited to the game.

Sadness

 "It's okay to not be okay sometimes." Inside Out

One of my favorite Disney movies is Inside Out. The parent in me laughs at the emotions of the parents as they navigate the newness of parenting a teen. There's a part of me that relates to each of Riley's emotions - disgust, fear, anger, joy and sadness.

This week I'm reading a book on the beauty of hard emotions. The author shared a tidbit about Inside Out that I didn't know.

The writer originally wrote Fear as the character that travels with Joy to try to save the core emotions. He felt Fear had the most to teach Joy.

2/3 through the movie as they screened the film, it felt all wrong.

The writer wrestled with the film and discovered that Sadness has the most to teach Joy.

The yin and yang. The bittersweet balance.

Sadness is what gifts us compassion.

Fear is a disconnecting emotion.

Sadness is a connecting emotion.

Even in film.

When Sadness sits with Bing Bong and gifts him the space to be sad, she connects with him.

When we sit with each other, and gift each other the space to be sad, we connect.

Peanut is deeply feeling kid, living in a very messy world, just like her mother.

Yesterday we attended a very fun birthday party. Peanut was sad to leave.

Peanut was teary as we loaded up to head home.

Now, there is a part of me that wants to say "We've been here 6.5 hours. You've had lots of fun. Daddy needs our car so we need to get home. It's dinner time." And so on.

And, I will confess. I did say those things.

But then, as I looked in the rear view mirror at her sweet teary face, I said what I should have said first.

You were having so much fun. You are sad that it is time to go. You miss your cousins already. You did something new and since you loved it, you weren't ready to stop.

Yes she says to me. Yes.

Connection.

We don't stop people from feeling sadness by simply not addressing it. Or telling them to stop being sad. Or best, giving them reasons why they shouldn't be sad (or angry, or afraid, or worried).

What we do is disconnect from them.

Mama Warriors, it's often a default to tell our kids they are "okay" or "it's fine" when something happens.

The thing is - we don't get to decide if they are okay or fine.

We have to gift them the space for the emotions they feel. Because felt emotions are part of growth.

Felt emotions make us balanced and emotionally healthy people.

We learn to feel and process our emotions by being gifted the words and space to feel and process.

I encourage you this week to sit with your kid's emotion FIRST.

"Wow - you feel really angry that screen time is over. You really like this game and you aren't ready to stop."

Make space for the big feelings so they can learn to move forward.

Connection.

Forest Driven

 "In a healthy relationship with Jesus, liberties live at peace with convictions; there is no constant war. We are still doing what we want. Our wants are just different."

As I read through my facebook feed daily, I feel like I wake up the mother to siblings arguing. Loud shouting. Unkind words.

Much like with my own children my first thought is "But I haven't had my first cup of tea."

I have been thinking this week how we've forgotten we are siblings.

We've forgotten how siblings OUGHT to treat each other.

As the Xman was packing for camp, he mentioned to me that this bible of his - how it will always be special. This bible rode on 4 airplanes. Crossed an ocean. To pray over people in a different language.

This bible was the common ground when he was somewhere new.

He shared that even though he didn't understand the language (despite two years of Spanish but that's another conversation about study habits) , he knew how to read along in his own language. He knew how to use his bible.

In the last few weeks, I've been reminded that the bible was intended to be common ground.

However, in my community the bible has become the most devise book that exists.

I started a new book this morning called "Now What?" where the authors ponder what do we do know that we are so divided? How do we move forward?

I'm curious to see what they have to offer as I'm only in the prologue. However, I think we begin by remembering we are siblings.

We begin by looking for COMMON ground.

I've never had my children memorize scripture at any length. I think there should be caution in pulling one verse out of a book that encompasses over 31,000 verses. Caution in pulling one verse out of a book that was written in a different historical and cultural time. Caution in pulling one verse out of context.

When we begin to view the bible as purely instruction or information, I think we miss the forest for the trees.

I don't see many bumper stickers with verses such as:

12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. (1 Timothy 2:12)

This verse leads me to believe that Jesus did not value women. Which based on a large view reading of the bible is completely untrue.

If I focus on the tree (the individual verse), then I miss the forest (the way Jesus spoke to, interacted with, and treated women).

Mama Warriors, as we continue to be a community filled with divisiveness, I think we could all benefit from finding common ground. For it's from a place of respect and active listening, that we are able to educate each other and create an environment conducive to good discussion.

Let's be people who walk the way Jesus modeled, and not ones who scream verses at each other as weapons.

I encourage you to be forest led, not tree driven.