Weeds

 "It is the narrowness of the riverbanks, after all, that gives strength to the river."

13 days ago I came down with what I thought was the worst stomach virus I had ever encountered. The symptoms were similar to others I know that have had this latest strand. It stayed 48 hours and then the worst seemed to subside. Only to come back with a fuller vengeance 3 days later. Enough to warrant a visit to the ER.

After labs and scans, it was determined that I have some infection and it's taken root in my intestines. Set up shop.

In 13 days I've survived on gatorade, toast and rice. I've lost 10 pounds.

For those who walked gastro with me originally, it's eerily reminiscent.

Step one is two intense antibiotics to kill ALL the things. We know what antibiotics do to the gut right?

This was step one last time too.

As they took me to have a CT scan in the ER (my first ride on a stretcher), I prayed "Please let the tests show SOMETHING."

If you walked gastro with me the first time, you'll remember all my tests were fine. I was literally wasting away but on paper perfectly healthy.

As the doctor explained my high white blood cell count, the inflammation, it was hard to remember that this is an answered prayer.

Often I think our prayers are answered in ways we don't expect or want.

I was sure my issue was my appendix. Dr. Google said so.

I was thinking this week how I'd rather have anything else than stomach stuff. Stomach stuff takes me on an emotional rollercoaster that isn't good for me.

These meds give me insomnia. A rash. I've spent years working on my sleep. I was finally sleeping more often than not.

Stomach stuff is my weakness.

As I've endured the last 6 days of meds, I've been thinking how I always seem to be hit at the same spot.

Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

Our weaknesses make us vulnerable.

I think they are supposed to BUT we are supposed to ask for help carrying them.

These spots we continue to be under attack in are made to grow us stronger.

Mama Warriors, in my make shift extended driveway right now there is a dandelion growing heartily amongst the gravel.

Dandelions represent a rebirth. A return to life. Just like us.

I looked at this little dandelion growing strongly amiss the hard. And thought, I can grow too in the hard roughness around me.

As you see this flowers, pick one this week and put it somewhere you can see it.

Remind yourself that you, too, can be strong and grow amongst the gravel.

With His help.

Changed by Easter

 "Joy is a mystery because it can happen anywhere, anytime, even under the most unpromising circumstances, even in the midst of suffering with tears in its eyes." Beuchner

As I pulled out my spring decorations just after Valentine's day, I realized that other than the two gnomes Peanut and I bought at the Aldi, I own nothing that I LOVE.

All our "decorations" are an assortment of kid toys, books, movies. A hand me down item here and there.

In the quest for minimalism in our home, I'm purging that which we don't use, that I don't love, or that is just too "much."

For this year, I bought one item. This Lent spiral. We put a candle in the first spot and every morning of Lent, Peanut and I lit the candle and studied the bible.

We decided for Lent not only would we lay something down (Peanut fasted from lemonade and I fasted from social media scrolling), but more importantly, we'd pick something up.

We'd take the 40 days of Lent to create a new habit.

We'd aim to be changed by Lent.

For the last 40 days I have done a deep dive into the story of the Resurrection. I started every day with a devotional reading. Peanut and I listened to 3 of the Narnia books and did a devotional together on the parallels. I joined a weekly bible study studying the "5 R's of Easter." Peanut and I memorized the books of the Old Testament as we studied the prophecies. I listened to Father Mike read me the bible and tell me its history. I read several non fiction books about the Resurrection.

Friday I attended a Tenebrae service for the first time. As I sat in the dark sanctuary and listened to the story of the crucifixion read aloud, I was deeply moved.

Over the last 40 days, I have written down at least one thing that spoke to me in my studies every single day. As I flip through my notebook this morning, I'm thankful.

Thankful to be waking this morning to an empty tomb.

In my bible study, the teacher said "If you are too busy for God, you are too busy."

If you had asked me 40 days ago if I spent time with God every day, I would have said yes. A resounding yes.

This morning I would tell you not like I need to.

As the reader read "I am thirsty" Friday night, I thought, yes. I went into Lent deeply thirsty for MORE.

Because it is finished, we should all THIRST for more.

Much like in our physical bodies, by the time we are thirsty - our well is way too dry.

Mama Warriors as we wake this morning to Easter baskets, new church outfits and luncheons to attend, let's harness that excitement about the Resurrection.

Let's vow to wake up every day with that enthusiasm for worshipping Him.

Let's be changed by Easter.

Between Two Doors

 God never expects us to answer a question he has not yet asked. He always speaks with clarity." Father Mike

22 years ago today I stood outside these doors in a white dress I still love.

These doors lead into the chapel. As I peeked through the bits of glass, I could see SD standing on the altar. Waiting for me.

What you can't see in this picture is there is a set of doors behind me. They lead outside.

My stepdad and I stood in between these doors for a bit. He looked at me and said "We don't have to go through those doors. We can go out these. Get a drink. It's your choice."

I know he would have been totally fine with either set of doors. He wanted me to have the opportunity to make this decision. Even if it was in the very last moment.

It's a funny story we like to tell now. Well, SD still isn't sure it's so funny .

I was thinking about that moment this week. How I can be absolutely sure that I CHOSE to marry SD. I chose the hand carved beautiful doors. I knowingly walked through them. Ready.

That may be the last moment I remember being totally sure of which door to pick.

I've carried that moment into parenting.

It's important to me that my kids know it's NEVER too late to pick the other door.

Feel like this high school isn't right for you at the end of your junior year? You don't have to go back for your senior year.

Played 3 years of a varsity sport but feel like this last year you want time/space to do other things? You don't have to do something just because you always have.

Sometimes it also means walking through the door with them because they CHOSE that even if I feel its the wrong choice.

Even if I prayed for a different choice.

Even if I want something for them I feel is "better."

Once they say "this is the door" - it's getting on board.

This is where the train is going. So I'm either taking in the scenery or I'm going to miss the ride.

Over the years we've welcomed several children into our home whose parents are missing the train ride. Who've dug in their heels or this issue or that. Who've decided their version of religion, truth, or what's societally "acceptable" is more important than loving their kid well.

My heart breaks for those moms and dads. For those kids.

So I plant deep seeds in Peanut. Preparing the way.

No matter what, I will love you.

No matter what, You are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.

No matter what, I will show up.

Mama Warriors, Peanut and I are walking through a mom/daughter devotion series and yesterday I was struck by my reading. The author said if you think your child is too young for the big conversations - you are probably wrong.

The time is BEFORE anyone else mentions the new vocabulary.

You want to be the first one to give information because then you are the source. You are the person who can talk about big uncomfortable things.

So that when they face two sets of doors, they will want you to be by their side.

And they will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you will walk through either door with them.