Me And Arty

 

"I was terrified because you didn't come with instructions. I thought we were doing okay. I thought we were having fun. Years go by. You get these clues, inklings. Perhaps maybe she thought you didn't do such a good job. And that really hurts. "

It's no secret that it has been a long, hard summer here. 

A time of transition a dear friend calls it. 

Earlier this week, Peanut and I grabbed some snacks, a blanket (because movies call for blankets even though its August in the South and insanely hot), and watched one of our favorites. Parental Guidance. 

For those who haven't seen Parental Guidance, the basic plot is that the grandparents come to stay and babysit the grandchildren while the parents are out of town. The clash between parenting styles and lifestyles makes for good humor but also thoughtful consideration. 

At the end of the movie Arty (Grandpa) is having a tough conversation with his daughter. He says to her

"I was terrified because you didn't come with instructions. I thought we were doing okay. I thought we were having fun. Years go by. You get these clues, inklings. Perhaps maybe she thought you didn't do such a good job. And that really hurts. "

Much like me Arty thought he was doing a good job. 

He was definitely doing better than his father. He made changes based on his own childhood experiences. 

He parented differently. 

And yet, he's still standing in front of his own daughter who until this moment thinks he didn't do a good job. And she's trying to do it differently with her own kids. 

That's what we all do right? 

We take what we know about how we were parented and we keep what we think worked, and we change what we think didn't. 

Much like Arty, I thought I was doing a hell of a lot better than the home I grew up in. I was gifting my kids the things I wanted - the ability to have thoughts, feelings, a say in what happens. Parents who made space for big feelings. Parents who admitted mistakes. 

And much like Arty, I've also stood in my kitchen recently and learned that they don't think I did such a good job. 

And much like Arty, I'm hurt. 

The people who know the most about parenting are always the ones without kids right? 

The challenging thing is that parenting - that's the role I have invested the most in. 

I feel like I've gotten a job review and failed. 

Even better - I'm not done. I have another solid 10 years with the youngest. 

How is it we wake up and we keep doing the thing we thought we were doing well but are now told, um, maybe not? 

People keep telling me to gift them this elusive "time and space." These people that live in my home. 

That's an ambitious request isn't it? 

The idea that we have time? 

As we await news of the arrangements for burial of someone close to us, I'm reminded again that time is not promised. 

I'm also acutely aware that the status of any relationship is not solely in my hands. 

There's a cost to growth. The stretching. The straining. 

I wonder if we ever know the damage we do while we are growing? 

I'm positive that mine will never fully comprehend the wealth of brokenness they've created. 

Mama Warriors, perhaps you are standing in the kitchen with Arty and I. 

Unsure of how you got here. 

Thinking you did a good job while the evidence currently points elsewhere. 

I'm reminding you, and me, today that we did the best we could, with the information and skills we had at the time, and we continued to be open to growing and changing. 

We are fully "enough" in Him. 

Regardless of what the current job review says.