Take the Picture

 "The deepest parts of who we are rise up. They can't help it."

Peanut and I had a couple of hours to kill yesterday in between taxi duties. We went to check out one of our favorite spots. The botanical gardens is special to a friend of mine and I wanted to make a wish and say a prayer for her in her spot.

It was Christmas card picture day at the gardens. Every time we rounded a corner we found a photographer, a family in matching outfits, and a crying small child.

None of these people looked like Christmas joy. There were frustrated Dads fussing at kids to be still and quit running around. Moms aggravated because wiggly babies wanted no bow and to get down on the ground. Grandpas who had ditched their matching flannel shirt and Grandma complaining.

As Peanut climbed around in the dirt, picked up wet flowers, ran through the overgrown maze, I sat on a log and thought about the image we try so hard to create.

We are all trying to send out the perfect Christmas card in our own ways.

Maybe it's the social media image you portray. Or the version of your reality you share at work. Or even how your family looks as they walk into church on a Sunday morning.

While behind the scenes we had to stage that perfect picture so no one sees the sink full of dishes. Or we slap on fake smiles and threaten children as we get out of a hostile car to go in and worship Jesus.

Sometimes I think we put a lot more effort into the Christmas card version of our life than the real one.

As we wake on this first day of Advent, I'm challenging myself to put my efforts in the behind the scenes moments and not the Christmas card ones.

I wanted to tell those families yesterday - take THESE pictures.

Take the picture of the wiggly baby who just wants down with the adorable pouty face and the bow in her hand instead of on her head.

Take the picture of Grandpa and Grandma arguing over the flannel shirt in Grandpa's hand. The way only couples who've been married forever do.

Take the picture of the pure joy of kids in too nice clothes in a garden where it just rained all night play.

Take the picture of the reality because there is beauty there.

Mama Warriors, when we focus on the Christmas card version we completely miss out on the beauty in the mess.

As you read the Christmas story over the next four weeks, I challenge you to look for the mess. It's there.

Take the picture of the messy moments this next month and let those be ENOUGH.

The spilled cocoa, the arguing over who owns what in Christmas monopoly, the gingerbread houses that won't stand up, the who has to sit where in the car on the way to grandmas, the mismatched kids who dress themselves, the teen in shorts even though it's 40 degrees.

All of that.

That's what you are really going to miss because that's what life was really like.

The moments.

The mess.

Take the picture.

2020

Obligations versus Opportunities

 "Loving people means showing them what they can not see on their own." James Baldwin

The list of things not included in my parenting handbook is FAR longer than the list of things that were shared with me by doctors, relatives, friends, or strangers at the park.

Amongst the list is how to navigate the holidays with young adult children.

I've known for a long time our traditions don't work for us as a family. We are stretched between obligatory commitments, a difference in what a holiday should look like, and even the limits of how many of us fit into our largest vehicle (hint, not all of us).

For the second year we celebrated Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving on Wednesday night. A night of snack foods, popcorn, games and a viewing of the movie (well this year we didn't make it to the movie).

An evening that is flexible. All are welcome.

We ate, we laughed, we competed in Taboo.

In reframing this holiday for myself, I recognized that what makes "Thanksgiving" for someone else does not have to make Thanksgiving for me and mine.

I was also reminded that the Beatles are right.

"All you need is love, love. Love is all you need."

The tricky thing is that love looks differently in each season of parenting.

Sometimes love is firm boundaries, consequences, and tough choices.

Other times love is flexibility, openness and grace.

My number one job as their parent is to love them well.

Mama Warriors, as we pull out the Christmas decorations and begin to fill in the December calendar, I challenge you to think about what love looks like in THIS season?

What would loving your kids right now look like?

Maybe it's ditching that formal meal that stresses them out in favor of a more low key grazing buffet option with a few of their favorites.

Maybe it's saying no to the thing that happens at nap time because sleep makes for healthy and happy children and adults.

Maybe its rethinking your traditions in light of the ages and stages in your home.

Do you want to be remembered for the obligations or for the opportunities for joy?

Realignment

"What you invest in is what you worship."

I have mentioned to a friend multiple times lately about how I don't feel grounded. I feel scattered. My mind feels full, and my heart feels off. 

I woke this morning in a house that looks like Christmas threw up. 

While some of you have beautifully Pinterest worthy decorated trees, mantles, homes that I've gotten glimpses of in pictures, I have Christmas kid clutter. I've tripped over the Fisher Price Nativity. The elf was hard to find amongst a mess of toys of this morning. There's  a large sack for playing Santa filled with goodness knows what sprawled across the floor. You get the picture? 

My mantle has a mismatch of Home Depot kids builds items from years past. Oh - and those foot prints turned into prints in the preschool years. Oh - and the must keep Nutcracker from the year she had to have a souvenir from the ballet. 

My home is currently a good visual of how I felt this morning. One injured husband. One sick kid. One moody teenager. One wee one who couldn't find her lovie at 2:30 Am. 

Mess. 

I will confess - I wanted to stay home this morning, put a movie on, make a 3rd cup of hot tea and just be. 

But instead I dragged myself to church. 

The very first sentence out of the preacher's mouth was something like "We come here to worship each week and to re-align our hearts with God."

Yes - I needed an alignment this morning. 

I want to love the holiday season. 

I'm definitely excited about celebrating the birth of Christ with advent readings around my dining room table, baking a happy birthday Jesus cake in my kitchen, and watching the enthusiasm with which the Peanut approaches her nativity as she learns to tell this story. 

I sat in church this morning praying He'd ground my feet in Him. 

Praying He'd hold my thoughts captive. 

Praying He'd show me how to walk this season with my INVESTMENT being in Him. 

Not the chaos of commitments, not the commercialism of extravagant gifting, not the center of it all getting lost in there. 

Mama Warriors, perhaps you, like me, feel a lot more like The Grinch than Elf as we enter this holiday season. Mamas tend to be the magic makers. The elf movers. The Santa shoppers. The what are we bringing to what and when people. The checking off the gifts for every relative. The Christmas card signers. The grocery shoppers because somewhere in this madness the circus monkeys still want to eat 3 plus times a day. 

This morning He reminded me that what I INVEST in is what I WORSHIP. 

So this holiday season, if I want my kids to feel the love of Jesus. If I want them to see what we are really celebrating. If I want this season to be one of joy for ALL of us (not just them). 

Then I have to INVEST in Him. 

I have to look at each of our calendar commitments, each gift we think of buying, each tradition we carry on and ask "Am I INVESTING in what I want to WORSHIP?" 

Worship is about who we put first in our lives. 

Worship is about aligning our hearts with Him. 

This season seems worthy of a re-alignment ?

inhale

"Every time you pretend to be less than you are, you steal permission from other women to exist fully."

Peanut has been a little under the weather the last few days. I've been sleeping on her floor. 

So "sleeping" may be an overstatement. Turns out middle aged me isn't cut out for sleepovers on my floors. 

Yesterday I asked Sweet Daddy to sit with her while I went for a walk. 

Motherhood is a lot of EXHALING. 

Sacrificing, giving, serving. 

I've learned in order to do that well, I must make time to INHALE. 

Time to do the things that feed my soul. Time to read. Time to walk. Time to pray. Time to shower. 

We seem to define ourselves by our exhales but really I think "good mothers" find that balance between the inhale and the exhale. 

The women I admire most these days are the ones who seem to navigate that balance well. The women who make time for themselves, for their marriage, for their friendships AND for their kids. 

I woke up one day this summer and our oldest was 18. 

I've been stuck in this sentimental reflection of the last eighteen years (though I'm under no illusion that I'm done parenting her). 

Turns out there is no prize for being the "one who suffered the most" or the "one who sacrificed the most." 

At some point in parenting I think we all weigh how it all turned out. 

When we weigh the cost of the exhale without the inhale, what will we find?

Mama Warriors as we continue through what I lovingly call the season of chaos, I encourage you to find your INHALE. 

I listened to a podcast this week where the author encouraged us to remember that our children won't remember the specifics of holidays year to year but what they will remember is how our homes felt. 

I challenge you to balance that INHALE with your exhale this season. 

Your kids won't remember the specifics of the places you went or the gifts they open. They will remember the general way the holidays felt in your home. 

Inhale.

Thanksgiving Plates

"Jesus didn't run projects, establish ministries, or put on events. He ate meals." (Tim Chester, A Meal With Jesus)

This past weekend we kicked off the holiday season with the first (of many) family gatherings.

There's nothing like parenting with an audience. Am I right?

For many of us, our toughest audience is our own family. 

For some reason, at many gatherings, I feel like my parental worth is based on how my kids eat. 

It seems that if your kids eat "well" then you are a good parent. If they don't, then you should have done parenting differently. 

If you've dined with me, you know that I am an extremely picky eater. And that was pre-gastro madness. I'm now a severely limited eater and I rarely eat in public.  I have raised 2 out of 3 picky eaters. 

If you know me, you know that I have a HUGE soapbox about eating to nourish your body. I've tried to teach my own children that they know their body. They know when they are hungry. They should eat. They know when they are not. They don't have to. It's great to try new things, but it's okay if you don't want to. I never force my kids to eat. 

It doesn't bother me that my kids are picky. Each of them eats healthy things - you just may not offer them to them. Each of them eats some rainbow colors - you may just not offer the one they like. Each of them, over the course of a week, eats "well." You just may not be present at the meal where that happens. 

I share this with you, not in judgement of those who dine with me because they surely love me and my kids, but to share with you about what it really means when we gather around a table. 

And because our speech at these gatherings is so often food focused, I just ask that you pause for a moment and hear your words through the lense of love. 

We've been walking a sermon series at church about Jesus's table. About the lessons He taught us when he ate with others.

And I'm going to tell you - it's not about the food. It's not about who does or doesn't eat what. What was served or not served. Who brought what, or didn't. Or how it tasted.  

It's about the conversation around the table. 

It's about the CONNECTIONS. 

It's about INVESTING in one another. 

It's about being fully PRESENT to one another. 

So as you gather at tables this week with others, I challenge you to think beyond the food. 

You may dine with people with food association issues. You may dine with people with eating disorders. You may dine with people struggling with making healthier choices. You may dine with people struggling with a gastro disorder. You may dine with people who love to eat, and those who don't. You may dine with people making self deprecating comments because they are unhappy with their weight, or feel judged by what they put on their plate. 

I'm going to guess you'll dine with at least one of those and you won't know it. 

Enjoy your meal. Food is meant to nourish our body. 

But the time around the table with those we love, is meant to nourish our SOUL. 

Let's love one another well. 

Let's speak from love and not judgement. 

Let's think about how the comments about how fat we feel or how our jeans won't fit are filtered through others lenses. Let's think about how our kids hear those comments and what it tells them about the connection between eating and their self esteem. Let's think about how what we say influences the body image of someone else. 

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:35 

Mama Warriors, maybe your kids will eat well this week but will not sit in their chair. Maybe your kids will struggle with communicating with relatives they don't see that often. Maybe they won't want to share their favorite toy when you host a meal. Maybe they will roll their eyes when you remind them to put their phone away. 

Remember this glimpse into your child does not define you or them. 

This glimpse your relatives get this week, is just that - a glimpse. A blip. 

You are defined by Him. And He sees you pouring into them every day. Nourishing their bodies, minds, and souls. 

You are worthy. 

No matter what happens Thursday :)

Thankful for the Dog

 "I must stay whole by keeping what I know, what I feel, and what I do in alignment with God's truth about who I am."

Peanut and I have been participating in a 21 days of Gratitude Challenge.

For the first few days Peanut was very excited. She would do her devotion video (a playlist of videos about gratitude) and then work on her "Gifts List."

The first day she eagerly listed a long time - Mommy, Daddy, listed the relatives by name, the dog, the house, the weather, the friends. The list went on and on.

On day two she asked me "What do I write now?"

I challenged her to think about the day before. What did we have to be thankful for that happened yesterday?

She thought through her day and was able to make another lengthy list.

By day 4, she informed me she'd already written down "everything" she could be thankful for.

Everything I asked?

Why yes she assures me. She's thought of it all. She's been thankful for it all.

Perhaps I told her.

Perhaps you have been thankful for all the things but are you still thankful for them? Is there a limit on how many times you can be thankful?

Are you missing new gifts?

As I've walked her through these 17 of 21 days, I've realized that my own gifts list is pretty superficial.

I'm thankful for the crazy dog who almost always makes me smile and who has taught me what steadfast devotion looks like.

But am I thankful for the hard growing season we're slowly trying to come out of?

Am I thankful for the health challenges that face loved ones?

Am I thankful for change?

It's easy to be thankful for the surface........the stuff that makes most kids' lists.

It's much harder to be thankful for the stretching and challenges. For the loss and the grief. For the worse of the better or worse, for the sickness of the sickness and health, for the poorer of richer and poorer.

Mama Warriors this week many of us will enter a week of togetherness.

While some of you swear that you love all the togetherness, I'm going to confess that often all that togetherness makes me forget what I'm thankful for.

Somewhere amongst the more dishes, more laundry, more strife over shower schedules, let's make space this week to be thankful for the elusive more.

Let's be people who 21 days in can still find something deeper to be thankful for.

Something more than the dog.

Though let's all admit, he's pretty great too

Deleting Pictures

 "Anyone who moves forward, even a little, is like Jesus walking on the water." Antonio Machado

Every few weeks google yells at me that I'm nearing my storage limit. Like a mother upset about a messed up room.

Like the average child, I delete a few things, straighten up a bit let's say and then declare it enough.

Hoping that one half gb I cleared is going to be the elusive enough.

It never lasts long. You see, I keep getting the emails. Downloading the files. Taking the pictures.

It's the pictures. Let's face it.

With some ruthless deleting this week, I've managed to free 2GB of space.

Yep, that's it. 2 GB.

For those of you whose phones don't yell at you regularly - Google allows 15 GB of storage. My THREE email accounts and files associated with that take up 1.1 GB. Remember what the rest of the storage is?

I've been taking a harsh walk down memory lane over the last few days. Opening every picture. Saving, organizing into folders, deleting as a I go.

Occasionally you hit a day where I obviously took WAY too many pictures. The snow dusting - somehow I took 30 pictures in one hour outside.

Those are the easy deletes right? Pick one of each kid or the dog and delete the rest.

It's the mundane day to day pictures that I can't let go of.

The Xman asleep on my couch.

The Princess on a blanket in the front yard reading a book.

Peanut dressed up on some random Tuesday.

Moments that were a regular part of my life. That no longer are.

Nothing special moments.

But were they?

I've missed a lot of "big" moments over the years. I've missed girl scout trips where the Princess forged new friendships. I've missed baseball games where the Xman pitched an astounding game. I've missed moments where SD could have used someone to stand in the back and just be there.

I've missed some BIG stuff.

Sometimes because my health necessitated it. Sometimes because balancing the needs of three kids in different seasons necessitated it.

But the mundane?

The small?

That's where I shine.

I stash cards in your bag when you travel. I show up with words when they are needed.

I make you dinner when you aren't well and college is wearing you out.

I play board games while dinner cooks and play your favorite songs.

Because I believe that we make a life in the small.

And that society over rates the big.

I believe the small IS the big.

So I keep a lot of these every day pictures.

To remind me that making the memories in the big isn't what makes a life.

A life is made in the memories of the consistent, constant small.

Mama Warriors, as we all prepare to enter what I call the "Season of Chaos" try to remember that the small is the big.

The holiday picture books read on the couch with the hot cocoa in the special mug. That's the big.

The Christmas movie watched in pjs with popcorn under fuzzy blankets. That's the big.

The picture taken at some big expensive outing/event may look nice when shared - but at what expense?

For what you don't see in any of my google photos is the woman behind the camera.

Smiling while capturing the everyday blessing it is to be their mom.

Flea Market Left

 "Everything changes except God. One certainty in life is change."

In what seems like a different lifetime now, I used to be a bit of an adventurer. A wake on a weekend morning itching to go. Explore. Drive.

One Sunday morning, I convinced Sweet Daddy to take a little road trip. We drove up to see the mountains, the rivers, the nature you can't find in Dunwoody. This was the late 90's. Before we had cell phones or GPS devices. We had one of those atlases in our truck (google that young folks!).

I'm pretty good with directions based on landmarks. I got us to North Carolina easily. We enjoyed a wonderful day. Where Sweet Daddy reminded me several times he had a paper and a presentation the next day. Reminded me he wanted to be back by dinner time. No problem.

It got dark early, snuck up on us. My directions to get home included a very important, make a left when you see the flea market. Well, in the dark, it is tough to see a closed road side flea market, and let's just say we didn't make that left. I wasn't concerned until we passed a "Welcome to Tennessee" sign. We didn't drive through Tennessee on our way. We were WAY far from our route home.

We stopped at a gas station, took our Atlas inside, and got directions back home. We made it home in the wee hours of the night, where Sweet Daddy then practiced his all nighter college skills and finished his paper and presentation.

It's funny to me how the telling of this story has changed over the years. At first Sweet Daddy didn't think it was funny. At all. He told it in one of those "oh you know Michele" story ways. As the years passed, it became one of our better memories. The laughs. The gas station food splurges we bought with change we found in the truck. And now, we're both sort of sappy when we think of it. What used to be. What we were once able to do.

This story sort of parallels for me how I think of my plan for my life. I'm thinking I'll make a left at the flea market, and more often than not, there is no left made. The reasons are always different - challenges, seasons of life, the list goes on.

I'm learning to trust God. To accept that His plan is best.

He has no detours. No missed left turns at the flea market. He's got it all planned out for me. I *merely* need to trust.

24 The Lord guides our steps, and we never know where he will lead us. Proverbs 20:24

"Our refusal to adapt doesn't change the circumstances, but it does steal our peace and joy."

I'm so thankful that Sweet Daddy and I both laughed upon seeing the "Welcome to Tennessee" sign. Because, if either of us had reacted differently - that memory would be so different for us. It would have taken the joy.

When we don't make the left at the flea market because He has other plans for us, I hope we all choose to joyfully see what adventure holds in Tennessee. Because I'm sure He's got plans for us.

Mama Warriors, I'm finding that not only does life not go as I plan, but most days I can't get even pull off breakfast smoothly. As we enter what is inevitably a busy season for most, I hope you treasure the wrong turns. The burnt cookies. The tears at Santa instead of a smile. The traffic jam on the way to grandma's. Don't let the bumps, the things you didn't' plan for, steal your peace or joy this season.

Published 11/14/2016

Enjoy the Ride

 "People can seek godly answers honestly and yet end up in different places. God knows the heart...........I run into people all the time who say "The Bible says....." , they never say as it has been translated and interpreted. You shouldn't be able to get away with that. We are all interpreting"

Upon studying the basketball practice and game schedule, I've accepted that we have to get Xman driving. While we love to see games and watch him play, the amount of hours demanded in conditioning and practices on top of games is intense. And most of it happens during the dinner hours, 20 - 25 minutes from our home. So if you are driving him around, you either have to plan ahead or serve cereal for dinner.

Which means for the next six weeks (or longer) I have to ride with him until his father and I BOTH think he's ready to drive solo.

This picture - it's what I look like EVERY single time I ride in the passenger seat. I hold on to the door handle.

I don't know why. I'm not getting out. It's not going to keep him safe. It's just become a reflex.

I've explained to him he's a good NEW driver. It's not him I worry about (or at least not the big worry). He's done 25 hours of classroom instruction and multiple driving lessons. He knows the laws. And he's still new enough that he very much drives following all the rules.

The rest of the locals not so much.

We approached a stop sign across from a school this week. Xman came to a complete stop, had his right turn signal on. He looks, it's clear to his left. I see him begin to go and say "STOP."

Because I know the Mom in the huge SUV is going to pull out in front of him. She's been sitting at the school waiting to go left - he followed the law and stopped. He has the right away but she goes. And sure enough. She cut him off. And so did the car behind her.

These are the things I worry about. Because when you pause to follow the law - people assume they don't have to. And they go.

And unless you've been driving a while, it's hard to anticipate the many ways other people can not be law abiding drivers.

We continued on our entire drive to have people pull out in front of him (while driving 5 mph above the speed limit) when they not only did not have the right away but it required him quickly having to slow down/stop.

This is why I hold the door when the kids drive.

At some point, Xman looks over at me and says "Mom - Relax." He turns the music up, huge Xman grin and begins to sing.

And I do. I relax. I sing. I roll my window down.

I shift my focus to what's INSIDE the car.

As I drove myself home after he got out for basketball practice, I was reflecting on that exchange.

"Relax Mom. I've got this."

I'm pretty sure Jesus says it to me multiple times a day.

"Relax Child. I've got this. Let go of the door handle and enjoy the ride."

Mama Warriors, I think these last six months or so have many of us holding on the door handle.

We are all interpreting the world around us differently.

We have different views on the virus, the economy, the election, the everything.

If we were really honest with ourselves, we each have different nuances in our spiritual life.

I listened to a sermon this morning that reminded me that when you feel like the world is out of control, it's not out of His rule.

So relax child. Take your hand off the door.

Turn the radio up.

Focus on what's IN the car and not all around it.

Enjoy the ride.

Published 11/14/2020