Door

There are some hurts that you never completely get over. And you think, I don't know, that time will diminish their presence - an-an-and to a degree it does - but, ah... it still hurts. Because, well... hurt hurts. (Kate, Story of Us)

I stared my day with my annual mammogram. 

At the end of the paperwork portion, the employee asks me if I have an advance directive or living will. 

Umm....am I going to need one of those things to get a mammogram? 

Promptly after asking me this question, she then directs me to a closet where I can change into this lovely (opens in the front) robe. 

And tells me change, lock my belongings in the locker and  to wait there for her to come back for me. 

Basically she left me alone in this closet with thoughts. 

Cell phone and book locked in the locker. 

I got to thinking - how many times are we left solely alone to deal with our own thoughts? 

It's been brought to my attention recently that not everyone has this inner dialogue running all day. How do you function if not????

So, me and my thoughts about my lack of advance directive,were left alone in this closet a bit this morning. 

I got to thinking how I was ready. I have never been to a mammogram without being moved to the "wait here" chair while they decide what additional images they want. Not once. 

I prepared myself for the initial one, the more images one, and the ultrasound of this spot one that inevitably seems to be my case. 

I set the bar low. 

After my turn, the technician says to me "You are free to go."

I actually said to her "To the wait here chair?"

Nope she says - you are free to go home. 

She returns me to my closet, where my clothes and distractions were kindly waiting for me. 

I left after my record time mammogram (actually so fast I was done BEFORE my appointment time) and reminded myself that they could still call. For the wait here chair visit. 

The paperwork says they will mail me something in 10 days. 

10 days in the closet with my thoughts. 

I've been thinking today about how I've spent the last few years waiting for the notice that I'll be sitting in the wait here chair. 

Lingering in this space between the health crisis and embracing wellness. 

I got to thinking that if I'm always waiting for the news that I have to sit in the wait here chair, that I'm never FREE . 

I'm designed to be FREE. 

Regardless of what the future holds, wait here chairs or not, I'm designed to embrace joy and be FREE. 

I'm not destined to stay in the closet with my thoughts. 

So, the question then lingers how do we be FREE when the reality of life is closet thoughts and wait here chairs? 

For me, I think the answer is that I have to ground myself in His peace and the idea that the Plan is best. 

Mama Warriors, perhaps you are stuck in this spot of closet thoughts and wait here chairs. 

Lingering in a space between the life you are living and the life He has called you to. 

I challenge you to pray specifically for freedom from waiting. 

Maybe it's a simple as tuning into the small voices. Pushing yourself just a smidge outside your comfort zone toward freedom. 

Maybe it's just small steps away from the wait here chair for now. 

Maybe it's just fixing your eyes on the go home door - remembering that the wait here chair is a possibility, but so is the go home door.