Truth

 “And that’s what faith is. It’s not certainty in what we know; it’s confidence in who we know. If we had absolute truth, we wouldn’t need to have faith in God. In fact, we would be God.” Jared Byas

Sunday morning Peanut and I pulled into church I will confess a *tad* late. Like the "you are sitting on the back row" time.

She was super excited to show off one of her costumes as she was invited to wear her costume to church for some Pumpkin Challenge fun.

We walked the parking lot toward the church with several other families around. Seems "late" was the thing this week.

I could hear one family discussing the costumes. My first thought at hearing the complaints was perhaps they didn't get the email and solidarity - I always feel badly when my kids miss out on something because I can't keep a clean email inbox.

Then I realized that the growing louder complaining was her sharing her views on costumes at church.

Loudly. Walking beside me with my costumed child.

I'm sadly constantly affirmed as to why people don't see Jesus at church.

Now I don't know if she was opposed to all costumes all the time. Just costumes at church - and in that case, is Sunday morning different than a Saturday trunk or treat?

I didn't stop to ask questions. I instead tried to steer my own excited to be at church in her very much appropriate peacock dress away from her.

I'm sure she felt justified that she was speaking "truth."

And better yet, truth in a church parking lot - got to earn you some bonus stars for that right? Wait, my faith isn't based on gold stars of works and some version of right beliefs .......

I think there's a difference in speaking YOUR truth and speaking your truth in LOVE.

If YOUR truth is a weapon meant to hurt or judge someone else, it's not spoken in love. Period.

You can't speak your truth to someone in LOVE without first having a connection.

Nowhere do I see my Jesus running up to folks telling them costumes are wrong on the last day of October, or the Sunday before, in some random interaction.

He always interacts first. Always engages first. Always meets needs first. Always love first.

Mama Warriors, I challenge us to think if people met us at the park, in the Aldi, at a kid's event - would they feel welcome by us?

Would they feel FIRST loved and fully seen?

Or would they hear our commentary on their choices? Feel judged or unwelcome?

Let's be people who others want to love as we do, so we can say "I love because I am loved."

Fixer Uppers

 Tonight will be the first night Xman won't be here for Halloween and I'm feeling a little sappy about that......seems 2020 is a year for change, changing the menu, changing the tradition, changes.......

It's still true today what I wrote a few years ago though.....

"God says, "I didn't ask you to become new and improved today. That wasn't the goal. You were broken down and strange yesterday, and you still are today. The only one freaked out about it is you."

Halloween always makes me a little sentimental. A wee bit sappier than usual. Sweet Daddy and I moved into this house just before Halloween in 2000. We handed out candy together with boxes scattered everywhere. We were engaged, small wedding plans were in the works. I made a big pot of chili - that became the tradition.

In 2001, on Halloween I would take not 1 but 4 pregnancy tests just to be sure. I bought one of those scary "Boo - we're pregnant" cards and crossed out the "ha ha ha" on the inside. I learned chili and pregnancy don't go together. The next year we would pull the Princess around in her ladybug costume, our first Halloween as a family of 3. Halloween of 2003 I suspected the Xman was growing but it would be another week before we knew for sure. And the following year, we would pull two kids around in the wagon - a Spiderman and a Princess. Each year, we would make chili, trick or treat, and snuggle in for The Great Pumpkin with Charlie Brown. Some holidays are about rushing from here to there, but Halloween has always been ours. Just the 2 of us. The 3 of us. The 4 of us. and now, the 5 of us.

While we said "I do" on April Fool's day, it's always Halloween that has been our roots. It's where we began our own traditions. It's when our family made our house a home. It's the beginning of a great story.

I look around our house sometimes and forget it's our home. That it's lived in and loved. I get overwhelmed with dingy carpet, peeling cabinets, a front porch that is falling apart, and an a/c unit that is ticked off it's still in the 80's outside.

Our home has grown into a fixer upper.

Other than those rare folks on HGTV, no one wants to live in a Fixer Upper. We all want "move in ready," new homes.

I look in the mirror and think the same thing about me. Man, I'm looking rough these days? I'm a fixer upper in need of a haircut, some clothes that fit, and something I probably can't even define.

And that's just what is visible. There's the anxiety, the fear, the health struggles, the brokenness.

I'm thankful we serve a God of Fixer Uppers. He's a Chip and Joanna Gaines God - looking for the worst, with the desire of using the growth to His glory.

We serve an "as is" God. Come as you are. Fixer Upper and all.

Our God appreciates character over perfection.

He's not swayed by our brokenness. Our level of imperfection is not new to Him.

There's a song I play over and over on youtube because it speaks to me. Reminds me:

I come broken to be mended

I come wounded to be healed

I come desperate to be rescued

I come empty to be filled

I come guilty to be pardoned

By the blood of Christ the Lamb

And I'm welcomed with open arms

Praise God, just as I am

Just as I am. Fixer Upper and all.

9 But he said to me, “My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak.” So I am very happy to brag about how weak I am. Then Christ’s power can rest on me. 2 Cor 12:9

Mama Warriors, Halloween is a time to dress up, be something different. Pretend. And that's fun for a night. Lucky for us though, we serve a God of Fixer Uppers. There's no need to dress up and pretend every day. You are worthy, just as you are. Broken and beautiful. Bittersweet.

October 2020 first published 

Only Bones

 "It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about, what's hard is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about."

After visiting the first 7 doctors at the beginning of the great gastro journey, I turned to a much more trusted doctor.

Google.

I began to study gut health. I have read countless articles, blogs, forums, and books over the last 3 years. I've studied the immune system, the gut, the brain gut connection, and more.

70% of your immune system is in your gut. Your immune system is what protects you and keeps you healthy. So, it only makes sense to me then that food is your first medicine. Everything I read circled back to the same first suggestion.

Bone broth.

For months, I ate mostly bone broth. I still consume a lot of bone broth. My freezer stays stocked. Making it is part of my weekly routine. I will admit, I get frustrated at times. I'm feeding my family yummy things. A wide variety of things. Special treats for different occasions. Food is very much part of family traditions.

And, me, I'm eating water made with the discards. I'm being sustained with leftovers.

Bone broth is made with the bones of a roasted chicken.

The most nourishing food you can feed your body is made out of what most people throw away.

God sustained me for months on end with what most consider waste.

Bone broth is something (a meal) , made out of nothing (bones).

I think God does that with us. He makes something where nothing would normally exist. He takes the worst moments, and makes them the best for us.

24 What I’m about to tell you is true. Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only one seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24

If it dies, if it admits it's weak and needs a savior, it produces many seeds.

We have to give ourselves permission to admit we are weak.

"Communion is connection."

When I think back to the foods I miss the most, it's the food that is tied to traditions. It's the big pot of chili, with home made witches broomsticks that we make every Halloween. It's the resurrection rolls I make with the kids retelling the story of Easter. It's the half-birthday cakes and cookies made with laughter. It's the pancakes made in shapes of snowmen on Christmas morning. It's the communion, the gathering of those I love.

It's timely God gave me this today. This nudge. I've been circling in my mind the dread of the upcoming holiday season. 3 months of holidays circling around eating. And going places. Neither are my forte in this season.

And He reminded me that it's the connection, not the food. It's spending time with those we love. It's making the best (bone broth) out of what we are given (dry bones).

Mama Warriors, this weekend begins the "season" for many of us. From costumes and candy, to turkeys and talking relatives, to trees and countless Christmas cookies - Remember it's the connections that He desires for us. It's not whose missing from an event, but whose present. It's not what you can't have, but what you can. It's not what you have to do, but what you GET to do.

And that’s not all. We are full of joy even when we suffer. We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on. 4 The strength to go on produces character. Character produces hope. 5 And hope will never bring us shame. That’s because God’s love has been poured into our hearts. This happened through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:3 - 5

It's making bone broth out of bones. And being grateful that He gave us bones. Not complaining it was ONLY bones, but praising that it is His best for us.

October 2016

Uncomfortable

 "We are not searching to find something we don't yet have, like treasure seekers with a map and a long journey ahead. Instead, we being right where we are, like the tree planted firmly in place. We are not trying to become a better version of ourselves. Instead, we begin to uncover the person whom we have forgotten WE ALREADY ARE." Emily P Freeman

This week I had the opportunity to attend a women's event at a church.

I'm going to confess. I'm not sure the last time I attended a women's event.

Probably the big kids' preschool days if I had to guess.

Walking into a women's church event always takes me back to walking into the school cafeteria in high school.

No matter how friendly, how welcoming, how well designed an event is - there's always some hint of established cliques. People who already have "the" table to sit at. People who don't. People who know how the event goes. People who don't. People who go to the bathroom in 2's and 3's. People who go solo.

Even though I was warmly welcomed. Even though someone immediately asked me to sit at their table. Even though everyone was kind and friendly.

I still felt somewhat uncomfortable at times. Out of place.

I've been thinking about that feeling this week.

I've asked Peanut to try new things this year as we seek to find "her people." I've asked her to be a little uncomfortable for a short time. So she can see. Is drama her thing? Is an "In Between" bible study her thing? Is this new Sunday morning class her thing?

To find your people, you have to be willing to both step out into the uncomfortable AND be vulnerable when you get there.

Since I've asked Peanut to do this, I'm doing it too. I'm saying "yes" to things I don't necessarily want to say yes to. I'm asking myself to be a little uncomfortable for a short time.

I've been thinking about this idea of being a little uncomfortable this week.

We've become a society that very much like the comforts. This is the first time in many years I've driven a car where the windows roll up and down and the ac works. I've got to say comfort feels good.

The things that grow us though should make us a little uncomfortable. Should stretch us outside our comfort zone.

Church should make us a little uncomfortable.

There's not one story of Jesus encountering folks in the bible where I think I'd be totally comfortable. Those "1s" he kept chasing, they lay outside our comfort zone.

As I'm visiting churches, I'm looking for those "1s."

As a church body, are we searching for those on the fringe? Are we looking for the 1? If we find them, will they feel welcome?

I've encountered many young adults lately who have walked away from their faith.

Because the church does not love the 1 well.

They may be the 1. Or they may love the 1.

I think we do a fine job of making space for the 99. We've got the programs that target them.

On Wednesday nights, the church we visit offers dinner to the congregation. This week I watched as the kitchen staff came out onto the street of downtown and offered food to a few on the street.

While the program is set up to serve the 99, they are still looking for the 1.

I'm wondering what if the program was set up to serve the 1, and the 99 came along for the ride?

Mama Warriors, if you don't feel a little uncomfortable every now and then in your faith, your church, your spiritual walk - are you really growing?

I challenge you this week to be open to the uncomfortable.

Whether it be saying yes to an invite to a women's event, opening the kitchen door to feed the 1, or so much more.

He made us not to be comfortable but to be comfort able.

Leak

 "Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here." Ann Voskamp.

We had planned for months to take Peanut to the aquarium and the zoo in Chattanooga for her fall break. We are studying swimming creatures in science this year and she's studying zoo animals as her research topic for literature.

I waited until two weeks before our trip dates to book both because it was less expensive and because I've found that life frequently interrupts my best laid plans.

I booked the hotel, paid in full, non refundable.

Then the dominoes began to fall.

The repair we've been putting off on the truck suddenly became a necessity. The part we need has doubled in price as they've come out with a "better one."

When I went down to get suitcases and bags, I realized we had a bathroom leak coming from our hall bathroom. The insulation was wet, the ceiling tiles damaged. My investigation led me to realize it was beyond youtube and we would need a plumber.

The morning of the trip, the car would not start. When we put the car in reverse the engine revved but the car did not go.

I sat in the car and began to ponder - are we supposed to be going out of town?

I was already hesitant as we were leaving our two young adults home. While both are responsible, the two young people out driving in older cars with us far from home still makes me nervous.

I haven't traveled in 7 years. My last two trips were early on the gastro madness and were, for lack of a better work, traumatizing for me.

I struggle sometimes with knowing what are signs that I shouldn't do something, and what are obstacles I'm meant to overcome.

Am I supposed to read all the red flags as a sign we are supposed to stay home?

Or I am supposed to take a deep breath and recognize that even in challenging circumstances, I can step outside my comfort zone?

I've decided that life isn't a game show where there is one right door to pick and the others are merely consolation prizes.

I read something this year that suggested that God isn't quizzing you. He hasn't picked some one right way for you and your job is to constantly be guessing what it is.

Rather, He's given you the opportunity to spend time with Him and know how to make good choices.

Whatever you chose, if chosen in good faith, will be the path He blesses.

If we had stayed home, I am confident that our time together, and some bonus time with our big kids would have been abundantly blessed.

We did decide to go, and our time with Peanut was blessed, as well as our big kids further exercising their independence.

This acceptance has made navigating choices easier for me. I'm not constantly torn on trying to guess what the right door is.

Rather, I'm confident that when I list my personal values, my family goals and my boundaries, that I can make choices that will be blessed in some format.

Mama Warriors, maybe you too have moments where you are sitting in a car that won't start wondering if traveling is the right move.

Maybe you become overwhelmed with trying to hear His plan for you.

What if we released the burden and just simply spent time in His presence? What if we took the decisions and weighed them against what we know to be true?

What if we expected the best?

Darkness

 “...new life starts in the dark. Whether it is a seed in the ground, a baby in the womb, or Jesus in the tomb, it starts in the dark.”

― Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark

Mo Trouble and I have a pretty firm morning routine.

We begin our day by touching all the chores - we put the tea kettle on, we start a load of laundry, we make the bed, we change out the dishes, and we think about what will be for dinner.

Then, I put my shoes on - he gets his harness on - and we go out the door for our morning walk/run/pull/chase/bark.

This last week we get to the shoes on step and it's not daylight.

I've been torn.

Part of me likes to get our walk done early. Before school buses. Before my own kids wake with needs of their own. Before.

It's also hard to walk Mo in the dark. Leash training has not been mastered and walking him is a full contact, all hands on deck sport. Turns out the people in my neighborhood are litterers. Keeping Mo from eating trash is a top priority on our walk.

So most mornings I wait for daylight.

I hung these solar lights on our porch to gift us some light while we wait.

It turns out this week I've realized I'm a little uncomfortable in darkness.

I'm always searching for light.

This past week I finished an audiobook emphasizing the importance of learning to walk in darkness.

The author elaborated that there are lessons in darkness we never learn in the light.

Unless we sit in the hard, we never truly come through it. We are constantly circumventing the lesson.

We are surrounded, as usual it seems, with hard stages with all of our people lately.

Stages that require hard conversations. Asking big questions. Enforcing tough boundaries.

Darkness.

This week as I sipped my tea in the dark I realized that the more you sit in the dark, the more comfortable you become with darkness.

And the easier it is to see the light.

Your eyes adjust. Over time.

Mama Warriors, maybe you , like me, are walking in the dark.

Maybe you, your marriage, relationships, kids are in hard seasons. Maybe it feels like you are fumbling in the darkness.

I encourage you to LEAN IN. Live in the darkness.

Until you can see the light.

The light is always there.

Mirror

 "Have you ever thought to yourself like I have, "I shouldn't need anything, I have Christ?" But Paul needed his coat and books so much he wrote to Timothy and asked him to deliver them and God deemed it should make it into holy scriptures—so cannot I ask for coffee and my dog's head resting in my lap.

Paul was so ordinary.

Perhaps ordinary is more sacred than we think."

Last week Peanut and I had a rocky week.

We both came off a week of her being sick cranky, stretched and a bit on edge.

I noticed she was MUCH sassier than her norm. "MOM Stop treating me like a child. I'm not a child anymore." (screamed at me by the 9 year old)

She argued with me about everything. "Talking animals is NOT fiction. Animals can talk."

I downloaded a new parenting book (Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting is a great read - on Hoopla read aloud by the author). I started rethinking all the things.

Old habits die hard.

Then I remembered that anytime there is a shift in our home, I should first look in the mirror.

I had spent a full week sleeping on Peanut's floor taking care of her around the clock. I was tired. I had not spent any time by myself. I had not done any of the things that ground me.

Living a thankful life is a CHOICE.

I gathered my new devotion book, an old favorite book, a fresh new journal and a hot cup of tea.

I read, I journaled. I listed the ordinary gifts of each day.

I shifted my PERSPECTIVE.

I remembered that WHO I AM is more important in my parenting than what I do.

Because when I am stretched, WHO I AM is what seeps.

I severely limited screens. I modeled reading books, listening to podcasts, trying out new art supplies, lingering in the kitchen over an old recipe, singing favorite songs, breathing fresh air and exploring new ideas. We went to bed early.

Slowly, my sweet Peanut returned.

I am the thermostat for my home, for my relationships.

Who I am, day in day out, in the ordinary makes a greater impact on who Peanut becomes than any parenting strategy.

Which means that I walk the hard with Peanut. I give words to what she can not. "Wow I'm feeling really cranky today. I'm not being as patient or kind as I know I can be. How can I change that?"

I set the boundaries. "You are feeling really frustrated. It's okay to be frustrated with me. You have to be respectful in how you communicate that. Would you like to take a minute to calm down or write down what you want to say?"

I repair the relationship moments where I didn't seep who I really am. "I'm sorry I raised my voice. There was no reason for me to raise my voice at you. You are just being nine years old. Being nine can be hard some times."

Mostly I remember that change always begins with me.

Mama Warriors, parenting these growing and changing people is hard.

If you don't love yourself well, you can't love them well.

You have to start with looking in the mirror.