Room for Hope

 "The beauty of joy isn't found in a garden. It's found in the crevices, cracks and the chaos."

Two weeks ago I ended up with an unexpected solo week.

Originally while Peanut was away at camp all day, I was slotted to work a seasonal job. 30 - 50 hours a week was the goal.

Monday morning I dropped her at camp, rushed home to start work and found that the project had closed. A full 9 days early.

The first week I kept feeling like I "should" be getting all this done while she was away long days.

But honestly, I mostly walked around my neighborhood, ugly cried in my recliner and binged Fire Fly Lane.

For 5 days I felt guilty about all the time I was "wasting" but couldn't seem to pull it together.

A sweet friend reminded me that it isn't wasted time to be still. To process. To feel all the messy feelings of the last few months.

I don't remember the last time I was alone for any chunk of time but I know it was longer than 10 years ago.

It's a hard season here for a Mama heart and I'm grieving a lot.

While I certainly will miss the income of that week, I think He gifted me with a week with no interruptions, no tasks to take care of so I could sit in the mess.

And slowly, as the week wound down, I began to be able to take very small steps forward. Set some boundaries. Determine the next right step. Journal about what is and what I wished it would be. And set that free.

I cried a little less each day.

As I entered week two of Peanut camp, the project still over, I was able to set some project goals.

Control what I can.

One of the projects on my list was to sort through boxes of unorganized pictures. I had previously separated them by person but the idea of sorting them, purging them, and placing into an album had always felt overwhelming.

This past week I was ready. I dumped them out, one person at a time, and walked down memory lane.

I gifted myself time to appreciate what was, mourn what is not, and hope for what might be.

Mama Warriors, I often tell my big kids that I did the best I could, with the skills and support I had, with the information and wisdom I possessed in each stage of their life.

Not perfect. Definitely mistakes made.

But I parented from a place of deep love.

I have better skills now. I know different strategies. But I'm continuing to make mistakes, continuing to be shaped and molded, continuing to grow.

I have found through much of parenting that I'm accepting of their mistakes and growth much more than they are of mine.

Make space to sit in your mess and reflect.

And then make a plan to move forward.

One small step at a time.

Making the best choices, with your given amount of information and support, skills and strategies, doing the best you can from a place of love.

Make room for hope that someday it may be different.