It's Okay

 “Liking and loving ourselves is our greatest responsibility. It gives us the power to walk in the world, honest and alive.”

Two weeks ago, Peanut and I had a hard conversation on the way to church.

The short of it is that she's frustrated with me because we are continually in a state of visiting churches.

She doesn't understand why it takes me so long to figure out a church is not a good fit for us. She's angry because that point is usually after she's made a friend, become comfortable, etc.

I shared her with that I can not authentically worship in a place where EVERYONE is not welcome at Jesus's table. Welcome to the Eucharist. Welcome to be loved. Welcome to serve. Fully welcome.

I can't get a feel for that until I sit in a service. While websites and virtual live services give me some feel for a place, it doesn't give me all the information.

I shared her that many people attend churches where they have very little understanding of what the church stands for. Most can't tell you if their church is a member of a larger body and if so what that larger body stands for, does with it's money, etc. Most choose churches based on what kid's programs they offer (one scroll of a local mom's age will confirm that data) without ever asking - what do they stand for?

I have been that person, but I am no longer that person.

We came to an agreement. We'd openly talk about a church visit, I'd ask the hard questions early, and we wouldn't visit more than 4 times if I wasn't sure. We'd move on.

If I didn't have Peanut, I'd probably worship some place different most weeks. I'd try all the denominations. I'd attend more services at the Monastery. I'd find church amongst the trees rather than in buildings.

But Peanut very much likes and needs church community in this season.

We've sat in two different church buildings since then. Being open and honest with Peanut has given me a whole new view into church services.

Last week we visited a church with a very small congregation.

Toward the beginning of the service, the pastor took prayer requests. And then proceeded to really pray aloud over each one.

"Mommy I like how she really knows her people. She really cares about their prayer requests."

We are learning together to look for clues about leadership. To figure out if the website "who we are" matches what they look like in person.

At the end of the service, the pastor took the time to find us and introduce herself.

As true to my promise to Peanut, I went ahead and asked my hard questions. I explained that we've spent all of Peanut's life visiting churches.

We know better now. So we are doing better.

But that has come at a cost.

She kindly looked at me and said "Give yourself grace for that. It's okay."

I may have shed a few tears.

Grace for me.

A reminder to lay that mom guilt suitcase down at the alter. Set that free.

There's grace for me.

Mama Warriors, I share this vulnerable journey with you today to say that if you too find church hard - it's okay.

There's grace for you.

I don't think the unicorn church exists BUT I do think the unicorn church leader exists. I'm not looking for a congregation full of like minded people. That doesn't exist.

I am looking for a leader who authentically is shepherding his/her people in what I feel is the right direction. A leader with a heart for Jesus.

Maybe you, too, need a church vision shift. Maybe you, too, have been harmed more than helped by church.

There's grace for you.

It's okay.