New Shoes

 "I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind's door at 4 a.m. on a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends." Joan Didion, Slouching Toward Bethlehem

On the last day of spring break, SD wanted to take Peanut hiking.

As I have *some* experience with children, I know you don't say "Get dressed for hiking." You give specific instructions. Wear something comfortable for walking. Put on socks. Put on tennis shoes. Get a water bottle. And a snack.

Peanut meanders out of her room some odd 23 minutes later to inform me that NONE of her shoes fit.

None? I repeat. Surely this is not so.

So yesterday you had shoes that fit?

But today, nope. Not one pair will work for hiking?

Her shoes were in fact a full 1.5-2 sizes too small.

One might think over the last few weeks Peanut might have noticed her shoes being a little harder to slip on? Or maybe a little tighter?

I have found children don't feel growth.

They just wake up one day and have no underwear. Or no socks. Or, no shoes.

Growth has happened while they have literally done nothing but eat and sleep and play.

Sometimes growth is like that for us I think.

Sometimes there are these slight shifts day to day. And we wake up one day and realize that the places, jobs, relationships or rooms we exist in - we no longer fit there.

Maybe in hindsight we can see the subtle nods or hints.

But sometimes not.

Other times, I think growth is hard earned.

We've realized the suitcase of life baggage is heavy and we set it down. We've unpacked it. We held each dirty piece and wrestled with it. We've done the hard work of the healing.

We've been stretched, challenged and tussled about by life.

We've felt every growth pain.

Either way, sometimes it's hard to let go of the shoes that no longer fit.

We loved those shoes at one time. At one time those shoes fit us well. We've traversed a lot of life in those shoes.

But alas, the uncomfortableness of wearing the shoes wears on us, and some point we, or life, makes the choice for us.

No more for those shoes.

We aren't sure shoes are going to come along that we will love as much. That will fit us as well. That will truly be who we are.

And alas, at the third thrift store - there they are. Maroon converse better than any other shoe we've owned before. They fit. With wiggle room for the toes.

They are so us.

Mama Warriors, as I'm unpacking my suitcase I'm realizing that there are rooms, places and people who no longer fit in my life.

It's hard to say that out loud.

I've hesitated setting those things free. Mostly because I hate hard conversations.

But their inevitable right?

At some point we have to say - these shoes don't fit ME. And I'm worth having shoes that fit me well.

If you too are growing, I encourage you to find the freedom to step away from the people, places, positions that no longer serve you.

Trust that new shoes will come.

And they will be so much better.