Play Your Own Music

 "A plant isn't a flower but a weed only by function of its place."

As we've been visiting churches, I've realized one common denominator in many is the worship section of the service.

I often feel like I'm attending a concert.

Even with words on a screen, it's hard to sing along because the performers change the tempo, add a run not on the screen, or by the time I figure out the tune the song is over.

Now don't get me wrong - I'm one of those crazy folks that does like to worship through music (just don't sit near me because I was not blessed with being able to carry a tune). I take my shoes off in church and raise both hands.

However, most weeks I feel like I'm WATCHING someone worship.

Not worshipping.

I wonder some times if we are aiming to entertain or aiming for participation?

Seems like the song choices are different for each of those goals.

As I stepped out this week to use the restroom during the worship portion, I could hear the song into the lobby, into the restroom.

I realized some weeks I just don't like the songs.

Then I realized it's not the church's job to sing songs I like.

It's not their job to engage me in worship.

It's MY job to engage in worship.

Maybe that worship won't happen during the song portion of the service. Heck, it may not even happen during some sermons.

Maybe it happens on my morning walk with a spiritual podcast. Maybe it happens around my dining room table while Peanut reads me her devotion. Maybe it happens during an engaging conversation with one of my big kids.

It's MY job to gift myself opportunities to worship.

If I want to hear hymns to sing along to, there are a multitude of places to find those.

Mama Warriors, it's so easy to shift into a "me, me, me" mindset - wondering why the church is not providing what inspires us. What engages us.

I challenge it's OUR job to seek inspiration. Chose to engage.

Play our own music.

Remind Me

 "Expectations are a disease, like a silent killer heaping her burdens on the shoulders of a relationship until the soul bursts a pulmonary and dies. Expectations kill relationships - especially with God."

Peanut is growing up in this weird spot between having siblings and being an only child.

She doesn't have siblings to play with like the big two had in each other growing up.

Her days are spent intertwined in conversations about dating, safe driving, good versus evil, goals and more.

But she has these moments where they sweep her into their lives and interests. She knows when Taylor Swift releases new albums at midnight. She can discuss MacBeth with the best of them.

These two are 9 years apart. They've struggled with finding their way in their relationship.

You see, Peanut remembers Xman being "little" and her playmate.

At some point as she grew up, so did he.

And now his idea of a good time is no longer the "who can push who off the couch" silly game they invented.

Each morning when I scroll my timehop, I tag Xman in every picture of the two of them.

To remind him that they have a history that looks different than their relationship now.

Even if he can't remember, I can. And I can remind him.

I can remind him of the seeds he planted.

I was thinking this morning how nice it would be if we all did that for each other.

Reminded each other.

Sometimes I question where God and I stand these days. Wonder where He's at during some nights.

I appreciate those friends who remind me.

Of the seeds He planted. Of the times He has shown up before.

Mama Warriors, lets be those people who remind each other.

Sometimes more than a casual "I'll pray for you" our people need to hear - "I know God will show up for you. Here's all the ways I remember Him showing up before. "

Even if you are too overwhelmed to remember, I'll remind you.

Spiritual Truth

 "Anxiety is not a sin; it is an emotion........We have been taught the Christian life is a life of peace, and when we don't have peace, we assume the problem lies within us. Not only do we feel anxious, but we also feel guilty about our anxiety!"

If you've been following along, we have had a spiral of car issues. I'm currently car shopping. So, this week I am driving Xman's "new to him" car. Yesterday I got us loaded up to take him to school, dropped him off, and reached to check my phone before heading home and realized I left my phone at home.

I had a small panic attack. What if something happened while I was out? How would the kids reach me? How would I reach someone?

As I was walking myself through my 3 senses centering activity (roll the window down, feel the air, take a deep cleansing breath, look up and out), I reminded myself - I somehow learned to drive WAY before cell phones.

I made countless trips from Stone Mountain to Carrollton. Down I-20. Often solo. No phone. And a very poor understanding of 285.

On at least two occasions my 1988 Dodge Omni broke down on either I-20, 285 or HWY 78. Never near an exit.

For those of you who haven't driven a clunker in the years before cell phones - you pull your car safely off the side of the interstate.

Then you begin to think - Is it closer to walk to the last exit or the next one? You HOPE you paid attention to your surroundings. You get out of the car and you begin to walk. With your change for the payphone when you get where you are going. And back then you knew people's phone numbers AND you prayed someone was home to answer.

In those moments, when I was walking alongside a major interstate or highway, I was never having a panic attack about not having a phone.

Because the truth of the time was that in an emergency, you kept moving.

Somehow I think the technology of today has trained us that in an emergency, you sit and panic.

You call/text/message others. You social media post. You google.

I think we've lost the ability to TRUST because we have too many other options.

In 1993 if you broke down, you were alone and you, alone, had only Jesus and yourself to rely on.

As I sat in the Xman's super cool new to him car yesterday, I reminded myself all I REALLY need is Jesus and me.

I said a prayer for protection, peace and confidence and drove home.

I thought on that drive home how many examples of not trusting I could list throughout an ordinary day.

How many times I google before I pray.

How many times I message and worry/complain before I pray.

How many times I let the emotion of anxiety become a prison rather than presence.

Mama Warriors, I'm searching for words lately as my interactions with so many seem to be so tense. I'm watching the mass departure from facebook as people want "truth."

I think as a people, as a nation, we are searching for the wrong truths here lately.

We are looking to the wrong sources for truth.

We are looking for worldly truth rather than spiritual truth.

Not that worldly truth isn't needed BUT is it needed at the expense of spiritual truth?

I think we could all use to be stranded on the side of I-285, unsure of what direction it's going (does anyone REALLY understand N, S, E and W with that one? ) and have to rely on Jesus and ourselves.

I think we'd fare okay.

Maybe even better than okay.

Maybe then we'd remember that we were created to be fully devoted followers of Christ.

Not a color or party.

We were created to be the Church, not a divided people.

We were created in the image of Him.

We were made for more than this.

Fire

 "When you look at a house burning down, the most obvious manifestation is the huge smoke billowing out. It would be easy then to think the smoke is the problem, and if you deal with the smoke you've solved it. The fire department understands you treat the piece you don't see - the flames inside, not the smoke billowing out. What if our problems aren't the fire but the smoke?"

Two weeks ago yesterday I woke up unable to walk. Sharp pains from my lower back into my hip down my leg all the way to my foot. Excruciating.

For a few days I treated my leg. I did all the googling. I asked the facebook experts and I did it. I iced, I did heat, I took anti inflammatory medications, I rested, I stretched, I tried to walk.

On day 3 I was MUCH worse.

As I laid awake all night I selfishly prayed for the smoke. Please make the smoke go away.

I was reminded the smoke is a side effect of the fire. I had to fix the fire.

This is the third time in the last 8 years where I've known that my plate was too full, there was too much going on for ME but I've trucked along because none of it felt optional.

This is the third time in 8 years that I have become bed ridden until I learned my lesson, and some time past that.

A sweet friend asked me what I thought was really going on and I confessed "I don't do stressed well. "

I don't carry a full plate well. I don't process external stresses well. And I may be a bit of a control freak.

So I began to ask for help.

I remembered I know how to say "No."

One of the many hard things I had to accept was the Princess had to drive again. Neither of my kids had driven much, and definitely not without Sweet Daddy in the car, since the accident. At first the Princess was processing, but long after she was ready- I was not.

As I began to stop praying about the smoke, and begin to pray about the fire, I was reminded that many times His timing is not my timing.

I will never be ready for the kids to drive again. The accident was hard and scary. It had very large both emotional and financial consequences for our family. On my timing I'll never be ready.

However, since I could barely walk it no longer became optional but necessary for her to drive again. The lack of working cars made Xman buying , and now driving (still with a learners) , a car became necessary.

Surrendering to change became necessary.

Treating the fire became necessary.

Mama Warriors all too often I think we don't treat the fire, or even acknowledge it exists until we can't see through the smoke.

I challenge you to become tuned in to noticing the fire before the smoke.

Maybe your challenge isn't an overfilled schedule, but maybe you need to learn to ask for help? Maybe you need to acknowledge you aren't grounded in Him? Maybe that behavior your child is exhibiting is a sign of something larger you need to address?

We've become a people that accept insomnia, headaches, gastro issues, the range of health things as the fire.

What if they are the smoke?

Truth in Love

 "The dark can give birth to life; suffering can deliver grace. If all the work of transfiguring the ugly into the beautiful pleases God, it is a work of beauty. Is there anything in this world that is truly ugly? All is grace. Everything is eucharisteo. " Voskamp

We are 36 hours into Peanut not feeling well.

All illnesses with Peanut present the exact same way. "Mama my throat hurts. " Always first. Within 12 hours she will start throwing up. The throwing up signals that a fever has arrived and will rise. The vomiting stays for 24 hours.

36 hours into Peanut not feeling well, we will begin to see the actual illness.

Her immune system responds to all the things the exact same way. Her throat hurts. She throws up. A fever rises, fighting off whatever it is.

If I took Peanut to the doctor 2 hours into being sick, they'd run a strep test. Send us with "in case the sent out one comes back positive" antibiotics. She's never had strep.

If I took Peanut to the doctor 14 hours into being sick, they'd tell me stomach virus. Send me home to ride it out. Fluids.

If I want an actual diagnosis, I'd have to wait at least 36 hours after the "mama my throat hurts" to have enough data for a doctor to know what's wrong.

When Peanut is sick, we hunker down. We watch old DVDs. We be still and wait.

It's the only way to walk sickness with her.

This week I came across a post on a group page of a mom asking for parenting help. Seems her 3 year old is "out of control."

Many of us have walked 3's. They don't call them "three-agers" for no reason. I'd wager 3 was more challenging than 2. All 3 times.

I rarely respond to these kinds of posts.

I've found that most people asking for help just want to say "This is my hard." They want someone to say "I'm sorry. That must be hard."

I've discovered that when you comment with some tip or idea or wisdom you feel is helpful, there is always some reason why it would never work for them. Or they already tried that (for how long, with what consistency???) and it was a fail.

This person has come to me, to us, with a sore throat. Maybe vomiting. But never the underlying virus.

They ask for help without providing enough data.

This person isn't ready to hear my thoughts about how their child doesn't need structured activities, is struggling with change with a new baby coming, or how we don't aim to control our children. They aren't in a place to discuss the heart of the behavior.

I haven't earned the right to weigh in.

I haven't walked sore throat, vomit, fever. I don't get to show up to diagnose.

I've learned the best response to these sort of inquiries is to say "That is hard. A resource I found helpful is __" (I always recommend Dr. Becky Good Inside podcast).

Mama Warriors, it's important that the people we are asking to speak truth to us have ALL the info.

It's important that they know "Peanut has a sore throat" means vomit is coming - and they can ask "do you have all the things?"

It's important that the community we are drawing guidance from be walking the hard with us.

We have to earn the right to speak truth in love to people.

We earn it by sitting in the wait with them.

Control

 "God uses messy broken people right in the middle of their greatest challenges."

On Tuesday I decided that my kitchen cabinets *needed* a deep clean. The kind where you take them down, scrub them, and put them back up. You know, the kind I've never done in the 17 years we've lived here.

Now, if you don't know me well you might think this is crazy. First, there is my total lack of skill at any domestic challenge. Second, the Peanut is sick this week. Kid funk. The "I need to whine and hang on my mama" kid funk. Third, my middle child has lost his ever loving mind (ie - he's decided he's really a teenager now and knows more than his father and I). There's the oldest whose navigating tough times. There's the overworked husband (who loves his job). There's the sports practices, the appointments, the commitments. The constant no sleep.

Oh yeah - and it was Halloween.

My kitchen has 21 cabinets and 11 drawers. It's an insane project to tackle.

Here's the thing, when everything around me seems REALLY out of control. I have to take on something I CAN control.

I can scrub the dirty cabinets over and over. I can tackle them one at a time and see progress. I can control this.

The sick kid, the struggling teenagers, the million other things running through my mind.

I can NOT control those.

I've been quiet this week. Processing. Scrubbing my cabinets and thinking through all that I can not control.

"First we feel and then we heal."

I'm learning that I haven't been letting myself FEEL the feels. I'm stuck in fix it mode, research mode, move forward mode.

So, this week. I'm scrubbing the cabinets. Feeling the feels.

Feeling the feels - it's messy.

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. Eph 6:10-15

God gave me this for this week.

Stand.

He doesn't say I have to know what the next step is. He doesn't promise I get to know what to do next.

He calls me to "stand."

Stand in faith.

Stand in hope.

Stand in trust.

Just stand.

I can "just" clean these cabinets this week. I can "just" listen to worship music while doing so. I can "just" pray over all the out of control aspects.

I can "just" stand.

I can root my feet in Him and just BE.

I can yield to a greater timeline than my own.

I can stand.

Mama Warriors, if you are feeling the waves crash this week. If you are feeling overwhelmed and like possibly you might drown. We don't *have* to swim.

We can just tread water a bit. We can just stand still. We can give ourselves the time and space to feel the feels.

We can just be still and know.

November 2017

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