Truth in Love

 "The dark can give birth to life; suffering can deliver grace. If all the work of transfiguring the ugly into the beautiful pleases God, it is a work of beauty. Is there anything in this world that is truly ugly? All is grace. Everything is eucharisteo. " Voskamp

We are 36 hours into Peanut not feeling well.

All illnesses with Peanut present the exact same way. "Mama my throat hurts. " Always first. Within 12 hours she will start throwing up. The throwing up signals that a fever has arrived and will rise. The vomiting stays for 24 hours.

36 hours into Peanut not feeling well, we will begin to see the actual illness.

Her immune system responds to all the things the exact same way. Her throat hurts. She throws up. A fever rises, fighting off whatever it is.

If I took Peanut to the doctor 2 hours into being sick, they'd run a strep test. Send us with "in case the sent out one comes back positive" antibiotics. She's never had strep.

If I took Peanut to the doctor 14 hours into being sick, they'd tell me stomach virus. Send me home to ride it out. Fluids.

If I want an actual diagnosis, I'd have to wait at least 36 hours after the "mama my throat hurts" to have enough data for a doctor to know what's wrong.

When Peanut is sick, we hunker down. We watch old DVDs. We be still and wait.

It's the only way to walk sickness with her.

This week I came across a post on a group page of a mom asking for parenting help. Seems her 3 year old is "out of control."

Many of us have walked 3's. They don't call them "three-agers" for no reason. I'd wager 3 was more challenging than 2. All 3 times.

I rarely respond to these kinds of posts.

I've found that most people asking for help just want to say "This is my hard." They want someone to say "I'm sorry. That must be hard."

I've discovered that when you comment with some tip or idea or wisdom you feel is helpful, there is always some reason why it would never work for them. Or they already tried that (for how long, with what consistency???) and it was a fail.

This person has come to me, to us, with a sore throat. Maybe vomiting. But never the underlying virus.

They ask for help without providing enough data.

This person isn't ready to hear my thoughts about how their child doesn't need structured activities, is struggling with change with a new baby coming, or how we don't aim to control our children. They aren't in a place to discuss the heart of the behavior.

I haven't earned the right to weigh in.

I haven't walked sore throat, vomit, fever. I don't get to show up to diagnose.

I've learned the best response to these sort of inquiries is to say "That is hard. A resource I found helpful is __" (I always recommend Dr. Becky Good Inside podcast).

Mama Warriors, it's important that the people we are asking to speak truth to us have ALL the info.

It's important that they know "Peanut has a sore throat" means vomit is coming - and they can ask "do you have all the things?"

It's important that the community we are drawing guidance from be walking the hard with us.

We have to earn the right to speak truth in love to people.

We earn it by sitting in the wait with them.