Tell It Anyway

 "I don't want to take ANYTHING to the grave. I want to die used up and emptied out. I don't want to carry around anything that I don't have to. I want to travel light."

On Thursdays Peanut takes two classes at a local homeschool academy. Each class is 45 minutes long. It is her most favorite time of the week.

Confession. Mine too. I'm *forced* to sit there for two 45 minute sessions.

I had this envision that it would be my moment of peace each week. I take multiple books - in case I don't love the first one. Sometimes I take a notebook to gather my thoughts. I always take a coke and a snack.

It's the first time since Peanut's birth that "me time" has been a regular part of my week.

The first few weeks went exactly as I imagined.

Then people started talking to me.

Other moms. Other "waiters."

I'll be honest - at first I was a little annoyed. Do you see my book????

Each week though, I've been deeply touched by the stories I've heard and shared with these other "waiters."

I'm by nature what most call an "oversharer." Don't ask me how I am if you don't REALLY want to know. I don't do small talk. It's just not in me.

It's kind of ironic to me that people feel I overshare. Somehow in our society today it's okay to share every cup of coffee we drink or funny meme we find, but it's taboo to really share our heart. To share our ups and our downs, our struggles, our questions.

That stuff - we're supposed to harness somewhere I guess.

When I began to walk the gastro madness, I learned if you don't share you don't learn. As I slowly began to open up about my struggles, God continued to give me words of encouragement, tidbits of strategies to try, and a few quarter friends who simply said "that's hard."

I have spent many prayers wishing God had given me something different. For the record, diarrhea is not a super popular topic of conversation.

BUT, walking hard, being unsure, questioning your unbelief, holding thoughts captive, struggling - it's as universal and as common as it gets.

Everytime I share, God changes ME.

Sharing my truth doesn't always change the person I share with. In fact, often it pushes them away (thus the reason these posts are no longer public). There were will always be people who feel your hard should be something you keep a secret.

Sometimes sharing my story is about changing me. Making me more comfortable sharing it. Pushing me out of my comfort zone. Forcing me to really synthesize what I've learned.

The thing about doing what He calls you to do is that it's about YOU. You may never see the fruit of the seeds you sow. But, you are called to sow them nonetheless.

Last week the "waiter" that God put in my path seemed like any other perfect mom to me. She started chatting with me and mentioned something that made me feel that tug. I clearly heard Him tell me, "tell her." And so I did. In a big rambling mess. I'm often sure people are going to nod nicely and try to walk away. Instead she leaned in and cried. And her story began to unfold to me.

What a gift.............for ME. To be the person she chose to honor with her story.

You see, I firmly believe He's at work in all our lives. And sometimes we are so caught up in trying to survive the caves that we can't see him in the crevices.

When we share our story, we gift someone else the permission to share theirs.

We say "I know hard. You can share hard with me. I'm a safe place."

When we share our story we give Him permission to enter it..........to walk it with us.

When we share our story, we remind people of God's promises. We remind them that He always intends to be a light of hope.

We stand in for them when they can't believe it for themselves.

Mama Warriors, this season is the telling of a beautiful story. Peanut and I have over and over again told the story of the baby Jesus who comes Christmas morning as the most wonderful gift of Christmas.

How hard it must have been for Mary to share her story. How crazy people must have thought she was. How I'm sure people felt she was oversharing.

But she told it anyway.

I challenge you this holiday season to give a gift that really matters. Not one amazon brings in a brown box. Not one that gets wrapped and put under the tree.

But one that takes far greater courage. I challenge to find the space to share your own story authentically, transparently.

Even if you can't see how it's ending just yet. Even if it seems messy and unfinished.

Especially then.

Tell it anyway.

Published 2018

Hope Like Mary

 "Optimism is psychological. HOPE is theological."

When the Princess was little every Christmas baby Jesus disappeared from the nativity. I'd find him in her bed, in her pocket, hidden in her doll house. She always felt drawn to him.

Me, at Christmas, I have a heart for Mary.

It was a hard weekend here at Tkill Manor. Every time I think we've turned a corner , I'm greeted by another challenge.

Parenting is hard.

I think about Mary. I wonder did she fully understand what she was saying yes to?

I'm going to confess. I had ZERO idea what the long haul of parenting would look like. I think some folks got better manuals, or maybe just kids who followed the manual, but over here it's been a roller coaster.

If you know me, you know I like the carousel.

I think the moment in the Bible I most relate to Mary is the day she realizes she has forgotten Jesus. Gone and left him at the temple.

I wonder - did she freak out? Yell at Joseph for not making sure he was with them? Carrying a suitcase full of Mom guilt on the long trek back?

Now, another confession. There are many times in the tween/teen years where I could *easily* be convinced to leave my children at the temple. I mean, it's a safe place right?

And many times when I have been so overwhelmed with life that if they chose not to join us, I may not immediately notice.

God knew Mary was going to screw up in many little ways and He chose her anyway.

Read that again.

God knew you were going to screw up in many little ways and He chose you anyway.

I know Mary had to have had many times where she was tired. Raising a newborn who nurses all night tired. Chasing a busy toddler around tired. Discipling and disciplining a tween/teenager tired.

The thing is - I don't think Mary was ever weary.

Webster says weary is "exhausted in strength, endurance, vigor, or freshness."

It offers the synonym "done."

Tired, most definitely.

But weary? No.

Weary is without strength or endurance.

Mary's well was deep.

Mary drew from God.

Mama Warriors, maybe you, like me, often think you are weary.

Done.

We both know we aren't.

Tired? Heck yeah.

Wish it were different? Easier? Most definitely.

But without strength to draw from?

No.

We are tired. Pandemic tired. Parenting tired. All the things tired.

But we are not weary.

We have the same well to draw from as Mary did.

Breathe in Jesus.

Breathe out chaos.

The well is deep. You just have to choose to draw from it.

Published 2020

Enough

 "We know, deep down in the core of our being, that we are not enough. That what we offer is pittance compared to the task before us. We feel small and insignificant because we ARE small and insignificant."

This past week I finished reading a book on "sleep solutions." The author mentioned that insomnia is the only condition in which the patient diagnoses himself/herself.

Insomnia is essentially being DISSATISFIED with the quantity or quality of sleep.

The author talked about how your perception of your sleep drastically affects your sleep. Sleep is a primary instinct and the body won't get zero sleep. So, if you perceive how much sleep you get as not ENOUGH, then it's not enough for you.

I've been pondering that this last week and working on changing my perception of my sleep. I've been telling myself that I am a good sleeper. I've been telling myself that the sleep that I'm gifted is restorative. I'm telling myself that the sleep that I get is the elusive ENOUGH.

I think this idea of how we view ENOUGH translates to all areas of our life.

I'm feeling some heavy mama guilt this week over how limiting my health struggles have been for my kids. How I've shortened the Peanut's radius. How there are many things she's never experienced because of me. How she constantly talks about all the places she wants to go.

How the Princess has struggled with friendships because I'm not the carnival cruise director of fun as some of the other moms are. And so, she's often left out.

How I've modeled choosing home for the Xman instead of braving your fears and tackling your anxieties and going anyway.

My mama guilt suitcase is heavy this week.

What if instead, I accepted that I will never be ENOUGH for them?

And that not being ENOUGH is how He designed it?

What if instead, I accepted that I've modeled for them how you need Jesus?

What if instead, I accepted that I've showed them how to listen to your body, to trust His process?

What if instead, I accepted that I"m small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things? That what great parenting requires is a great Savior?

That what He's gifted me is ENOUGH?

The the trials my kids experience through this walk are part of their journey.

What if instead, I accepted that their story is THEIR story?

What if instead, I accepted that I'm not to be the center of their world?

What if instead, I accepted that "success is not our goal but rather faithfulness?"

My goal isn't to raise a specific kind of kid with specific experiences but rather to be faithful to Him through the journey.

Mama Warriors, I've found this holiday season is one that tends to fill the guilt suitcase. What if instead, we unpacked it, we laid it as His feet and we thanked Him for being ENOUGH?

Originally published 2017

Light

 "Ask a woman who she is, and she'll tell you who she loves, who she serves, and what she does. The fact that we define ourselves by our roles is what keeps the world spinning. It's also what makes us untethered and afraid."

Sweet Daddy has the blessing of having to work yesterday and I hoped as he readied for work that Peanut would wake on the early side.

You see the first 15 minutes of the day are the absolute best. He misses this 5 days a week and I wanted him to get his two days!

She wakes with this unbridled enthusiasm for Christmas. There's an elf to find - what silly antics will Snowflake have done while she slumbered? There's an advent calendar door to open - what treasure for our winter ball will we find today? There's lights to plug in - a Christmas house to awaken. Finally, there are candles to light and bible verses to read.

She approaches each morning with such enthusiasm that it's catching.

She is actively waiting for Christmas.

I wanted Sweet Daddy to soak a little of that up before a long work day.

I started celebrating Advent with the big kids as part of our homeschool routine many years ago. It's interesting to me that advent is viewed as a denominational practice rather than a "big C" Church one.

Advent is part of the church calendar rhythm. It's merely the act of preparing your heart and mind for the arrival of the newborn king.

Much like any other church practice it can be as personal or as legalistic as YOU choose.

We all practice an advent daily as we wait for the second coming - an anticipation, a preparation. We live a life between advents.

I listened to several sermons last Sunday as it was the first day of Advent.

The Sunday of HOPE.

In one a dear friend challenged me to think "Are you waiting ACTIVELY?"

I think we often think the decorating, the shopping, the baking, the gatherings, the moving of the elf - that those are our active waiting.

I'd challenge us to think that those are our distractions.

The things we busy ourselves with to avoid doing the hard heart work that comes with Christmas.

A few years ago our family (let's face it - me because as the Queen magic maker I'm also the calendar keeper) embraced a Simple Christmas.

Oddly inspired by an episode of The Middle and not a religious practice, I began to approach every piece of Christmas and ask myself - Will this bring me closer to Jesus over the next 4 weeks or farther away?

You'd be surprised how many things fall into the farther away when you do the tough work of asking the question.

Even pre-pandemic, you won't find me dragging my people all over town to create memories.

You will find us gathered around my dining room table. You will find us lighting advent candles. You'll find open bibles. You'll find Charlie Brown Christmas Uno, gingerbread house kits, hot cocoa/popcorn and a huge box of Christmas movies.

You'll find a string of lights over each of my windows - to remind us all to look for the Light.

You'll find me saying no to good things in reverence of saying yes to better.

My people have a full schedule this time of year. It's midterms and basketball and the final driving lessons for one. It's finals and work and friends returning home for another. It's a busy time in the school for Sweet Daddy. There are many things that we can not say "No" to - but there are plenty we can.

Mama Warriors, in case you need someone to tell you -it's okay to CHOOSE to be still when you can.

In fact, it's more than okay.

It can be better. Holy.

Us Mamas tend to define ourselves by our relationships with others - mother, daughter, wife, friend.

I challenge you in this season to spend time defining yourself IN Jesus.

Prioritize that.

The rest will fall into place.

Making that choice will guide all your relationships to have the boundaries that are needed.

Making that choice will gift you a Christmas that will bear fruit instead of material gifts.

Making that choice will gift YOU light.

Published 2020

Let There Be Light

 "We have to stop walking through the world looking for confirmation we don't belong. We will always find it."

Peanut and I had the opportunity to go watch Xman play basketball last night. I understand NOTHING about basketball but I love to watch him play.

The team we played had on jerseys that proudly said "____ Christian School." It was rough game in a lot of ways and their coach had a really hard time controlling his thoughts about the refs calls.

Now if you've been a sports parent long enough, you know the same thing I know. If you question in an ugly way enough calls by a ref, don't expect any calls to go your way the rest of the game. It's been true in every sport X has ever played. If a coach (and many times that coach has been ours in other seasons) is confrontational toward the officials enough times, there are consequences.

About 3/4 of the way into the game there was an obviously bad call that the opposing team's coach just couldn't let go. Again. He'd been warned, given a technical foul, and now was ejected from the game.

The official early in the game had looked at the coach and said "You have to be a role model for these boys." He'd asked him to raise the bar. To be better.

After the game ended, these boys were rude and disrespectful to the officials.

Because that's the expectation that had been set by their leader.

Not in his words. But in his actions.

They followed their leader.

As I drove home last night I thought of those boys and how much they obviously respected and admired their coach. When he gave directions, they said "Yes, Sir." They were obedient to him. They were kind to each other - picking each other up when they fell, encouraging each other.

I thought about how all of us at times behave like a coach who has forgotten it is just a game. Fair or not.

We are often found having a big tantrum about something temporary.

We forget that we are walking around with a jersey that says "Team Jesus" on it.

Then when we are ready to share our faith with someone, they aren't going to be willing to listen. Because our tantrums in the small make it hard for them to hear the big.

Mama Warriors, remember this morning that we are each coaching our own little team. They are soaking up our actions - and that's where we have set the bar.

Not in what we say.

In our house we have something jokingly referred to as a "Mom Left" - there are times I will make a left turn if I'm the driver. But these are most definitely not times I will let my teen drivers make a left turn.

I justify it with the reasons that I've been driving 30 years now, I know the car, I am familiar with that turn, etc.

But in all honesty - there should be no "Mom Lefts" because my kids have soaked up that there are times when it's okay to make that quick turn in front of another car.

When in reality there are NO times it's okay to do that. If that car hits you, it's YOUR fault.

It's ALWAYS better to be patient and wait for it to be really clear.

As we go through advent, let's try to focus on leading our Team Jesus inside our house, and outside our homes, with the no Mom left turns mentality.

There are no exceptions, no justifications, no matter how unfair or unjust something is - let's rise above and choose the Jesus turn.

Let's be light.

Be a Mary

 "God's promise to Mary wasn't stability or security. His promise, as given through Gabriel, was that the power of the Most High would overshadow her (Luke 1:35). God redeems darkness."

Every year during advent, I am in awe of Mary.

I am reminded of that first pregnancy test I took that was positive. That moment you are overwhelmed with the knowledge that you are someone's mother.

I think about Mary running to Elizabeth with that "Oh goodness, I'm pregnant now what?" conversation.

Mary somehow survived pregnancy and childbirth with no "What to Expect" book. No team of medical doctors to give wisdom. No google to look up what is this elusive "normal."

Mary had her faith in God and the wisdom of close friends.

With the exception of that time she left Jesus at the temple, she seems to have rocked parenting. I'm thinking raising a radical outspoken young man was no picnic (perhaps I have one of those in my own house?).

She seemed to know what to do with no parenting podcasts. No pediatrician to offer advice. No blogs to read or facebook groups to join.

Mary had her faith in God and the wisdom of good friends.

I feel like in 2022 with the abundance of information we have available at our fingertips, that we have a lot to learn from Mary.

I'd assert that we have too much information and not enough wisdom.

The two are not the same thing.

What if each time we encountered a struggle we simplified our source of information to two places. God and wise friends.

What if instead of frantically searching for ALL the information we simplified our approach?

What if we prayed first?

Then we asked 1 - 2 trusted friends for wisdom. Friends who know us and our parenting intentions.

What if we channeled our inner Mary and found some trust in our Mama gut?

Mama Warriors, as I enter this season of desperately trying to find a Simple Christmas, I'm reminded to also find Simple Parenting.

Trust God.

Seek Wisdom from friends.

Be a parent who prioritizes wisdom over information.

Be a Mary.

Lights

 "What must it be like, I wondered, to put hearing God ahead of being heard?"

"Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone." Deuteronomy 6:4

I'm going to confess that I struggle every single Christmas season.

I know many of you love to be the maker of all the magic, the buyer of all the things, the bringer of all the goodies.

I always struggle with trying to keep the Jesus at the forefront.

I don't want to squash the magical or be the Grinch.

I just want to remember that we are spending the next few weeks in great anticipation.

Not just for my kids, but for me.

So I can see the Light, be the light.

I get frustrated with the budget balancing, and the list making, and the "oh by the way I'm supposed to take this to work/school/church" aspect of Christmas. By the time Christmas morning arrives, I often feel emotionally, physically and financially drained.

I sat my people down this year and my heart said "I want to be generous and joyful in our giving AND in our attending so let's choose wisely."

I'm not sure it was heard or received that way as I've begun to feel like the Grinch.

I've been soaking this weekend this idea of balance.

And have decided it's not balance we need. It's balance we think we need, balance we try to create.

But what we really need is INTENTIONAL LIVING.

And sometimes intentional living is not balanced in the eyes of society today.

The preacher this morning reminded me that in this season of crazy "look for the Light."

I'm a literal math person so I found two strings of white lights, and I hung those stinkers up on the window I am near the majority of the day.

Peanut came in the room and threw her hands in the air with excitement.

Yes, that's Christmas.

This unbridled joy at the coming of the baby King.

That's what I want to intentionally tilt my focus toward.

Not balancing.

But choosing.

When I look at those lights, each time I pass them, I breathe in the breath prayer. In Jesus, out Crazy.

Mama Warriors, let's not try to balance some scale that we all know never will. Especially not in the next 25 days.

Instead, let's be intentional with our choices.

Let's choose the things that feed our soul, that let us see the Light, and let us be the light.

Let's just for the next few weeks ponder what if HEARING God was the only goal?