Worst Daughter Ever

 “In the act of silence, you’re not waiting for God to make a move. You’re becoming aware of the moves He’s making.” Brennan Manning

Each night, as part of her bedtime routine, Peanut brings me a book. We snuggle up and we read. The rule is if she brings me a book we've never read before, then I will read to her. If she brings a book we've already read, then she reads to me.

Last night she brought me one of her favorites. One we've read MANY times. I reminded her that I'd love to hear her read me the book.

She got upset and insistent that she wanted me to read the chosen book. I repeated the reading rule. Again. Grumpily she went and chose a new book and presented it to me in a very ugly manner.

I looked at this scrunched up, scowling face and gently told her we were skipping stories.

We could try again tomorrow night.

As I went to tuck her in, she was very upset. Together we processed the conversation.

"I'm the worst daughter ever" she kept repeating.

We talked about how I love her no matter what. Always and forever.

Would I have wished the last half hour went differently, most definitely.

Do I expect her to always make the right choices and respond in kind ways? Nope.

Do I allow her behavior to change my reaction?

That's a hard one isn't it?

I'd like to say I'm always the grace giving, loving parent. But let's face it, past 9 PM things are shaky.

I was thinking this morning how it's challenging to view a God whose reaction never changes based on our behavior.

No matter how much we love someone, at least in the moment, our reactions, responses, facial expressions, tone, etc. - all change based on behavior.

Does my love for her change the consequences of her actions?

No.

Mama Warriors, you are fiercely loved this morning by a God who is not thrown by your tantrums. He expects them.

He's not upset about your questions, your push back, your struggle with wanting to do things your way.

Does He wish we'd all make good choices and be kind all the time? Definitely.

Does He expect it though? I would think not.

Much like our own children, He expects we'll stumble.

In order to show our kids a love like that, we have to be willing to give words to that.

But we also must show them that just because there are consequences and challenges, it doesn't mean that God doesn't love them unconditionally.

Super Daddy Pancakes

 "I often just say to God, "Hi. Help me feel You in this with me." Anne Lamott

Peanut loves to watch The Middle with me - parenting tip #341, choose a favorite show that is family appropriate and then you can spend a rainy day snuggled on the couch rewatching your favorites.

This week we watched the episode titled "The College Tour." In that episode, Mike (dad) takes Sue (daughter) on a road trip to see colleges. On the tour there is a "Super Daddy Pancakes" dad - one who is obviously super dad. He makes the super daddy pancakes on Saturday mornings, has all these special daddy/daughter bonding stories and over shares his obvious love for his daughter at every college stop.

As many of us do, by the end of the college tours, Mike begins to wonder if maybe his kids would have rather had a "Super Daddy Pancakes" dad instead of him. The ending always makes me cry.

I woke yesterday with some odd gastro pain issues and ended up spending the whole day in bed.

Well, after I got up and let the dog out. And gave instructions for how to feed the dog.

And then, from bed, I answered all the questions all day. How the dog seat belt in the car works. What the dog and Peanut need for an outing. What there is for lunch. Yes, the dishwasher needs to be run. And so on.

The dishwasher got run, but not unloaded or re-loaded. Peanut played a lot of video games. No one did any laundry. Or picking up.

Basically no one did the day as I would have done.

Often I think my way is the "Super Daddy Pancakes" way.

While, in truth, it's simple just MY way.

By focusing on what did not get done, I often lose sight of what DID happen.

SD made his own super daddy pancakes, complete with chocolate chips. Peanut's favorites.

He took Mo and Peanut to the park for a long walk - which is no easy feat.

He checked on me many times - making sure I didn't need anything.

He got up with the dog and sent me back to bed.

Mama Warriors, sometimes I think it's hard to let others help us because we know it won't be done as we would do it.

We have to embrace that different is not just okay, it's good.

Surrendering control of all the things, even just for a day, lets others shine in a new way.

Peanut would never know that SD makes incredible pancakes had I not been sick.

Perhaps there are many different Super Daddy Pancakes kinds of parenting.

Return the Book

 "And while everyone has to make a living and show up for family, listening is optional: you have to make a conscious decision to listen harder."

I rarely choose my books while I am IN the library. I struggle with remembering what I have, and have not, read. I don't typically choose my books by the cover or title.

I have a lengthy "to read" list and I use it to place holds on books, and then just pick them up at the library.

Peanut was picking out books so I took a moment to peruse the new releases shelf.

I spontaneously brought home this book. The quote on the cover is written by Elizabeth Gilbert whose Eat, Pray, Love was a therapeutic read for me. If she liked this book, maybe I will too was the thought.

I have read 5 or so chapters of this book and will be returning it unfinished.

The author writes about integrity as it parallels to Dante's Divine Comedy. It just didn't grab me.

There was a time when I would drag myself through the whole book because I started it. Or because it seems like something I *should* read.

Not any more. I return about 1 out of 6 or so books, unfinished. Occasionally even unstarted.

One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves, and others, is the ability to let something go.

Permission to not finish a book we don't love.

I think in the Mom World we've fallen into two camps.

"I love every moment"

and

"Is it bedtime? I need wine?"

Somewhere in between is where I think reality lies.

Permission to not love every moment.

There are things I will NOT miss in each season of parenting. I do not love sitting in dark parking lots waiting for the practice that was supposed to end at 6:30 and it's now 7:15 and still isn't over to let out. I will never miss that. Kids who throw themselves on aisle 4 of Kroger and totally meltdown. I will never miss that. People who I gave birth to being ugly and some sort of hormonal mess. I will never miss that.

The list could go on.

Equally I could the list of things I'm holding on to. Teenagers who giggle as they tell me about the latest meme that made them laugh. The lightbulb moments when one realizes that perhaps Algebra 2 isn't as hard as he thought. The "

You're the best

Mommy" exclaimed in the adorable voice. Those things I'll miss.

I think joy lies in giving ourselves permission to let go of that which does not bring us joy WHILE embracing that which does.

It's in not aiming to love every moment, or even look like we are.

It's in learning to navigate big feelings with young people who are also navigating big feelings.

In putting listening and empathy above control.

I'm choosing to seek joy in between "where is my caffeine?" and "is it bedtime yet?"

Mama Warriors, this arrival of fall (yes, I know it's a false early snippet) has me excited about the possibilities of a new season.

Let's let go of the "shoulds' and return those books not worthy of finishing.

Let's hold on to all the other things that bring us joy.

Let's make space for the reality that we don't have to love every moment, but we can love enough moments to exude joy for ourselves and our people.

Joy can win.

Pick a Habit

 "The truth seems to be, however, that, when he casts his leaves forth upon the wind, the author addresses, not the many who will fling aside his volume, or never take it up, but the few who will understand him, better than most of his schoolmates and lifemates." Nathaniel Hawthorne

In one (of the many) podcasts I listen to, the church has began this multi day challenge of creating a new habit. The idea being the habits you have create and define the life you choose. "Show me your habits and I'll show you your future."

Day 1 (which I listened to a week ago now) challenged me to pick a habit to focus on. It listed a wide variety of options - reading a daily devotional, writing in a gratitude journal, walking a mile, etc. It asserts that the habit you pick up must be measurable, meaningful and maintainable.

As with many things, I've spent FAR greater time over thinking the habit choice than needed I'm sure.

I've been thinking on this over the last week as my Xman and I also walked through the Introduction of The Scarlet Letter. This is now the third time I've read The Scarlet Letter. Much like many of the classics that I've gone through as my own children do, I've learned things that high school me did not appreciate or pay attention to.

In pieces of the Introduction, Nathaniel Hawthorne shares a little bit about himself as a writer. As I was drawn to those pieces of the Introduction in this reading, I could hear him talk about connections, time, and the right story finding you.

As I've been thinking about my "pick a habit" I kept circling back to this idea of connecting with the few that will understand you.

The urge to put pen to paper out of habit.

Much like many habits I could choose, putting pen to paper for me is very emotionally, mentally and spiritually necessary. It's how I process the details of my days - I write them down, I reflect on them, I attempt to find my God wink moments.

It took me a while to pick a habit to work on because there are far too many things that would be GOOD for me.

But only this one thing, upon really thinking on it, that would be BEST.

Mama Warriors isn't that true of most of our life? There are many GOOD choices out there - but limited ones that are the BEST for us in this season, at this time.

I smell fall in the area tonight (thank you Jesus because summer and I are LONG done).

New is coming.

Maybe it's time for you, too, to pick a habit and set a goal.

Measurable, meaningful and maintainable.

Feet of Jesus

 "How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." Annie Dillard

Mo, like any puppy, has A LOT of energy. Peanut and I decided we'd try to teach him to play fetch as one way to both spend time with him and give him the opportunity to run.

We watched several youtube videos.

Step one is you play tug of war with an item that has high value to him - something he loves. The idea being you make that item seem really interesting.

Mo loved that step!

Step two is you attach the toy to a rope so you can play by swinging the toy on the ground near him, and then he "catches it" and you play tug of war with that space between the toy and you.

Mo loved that step!

Step three is to toss the toy not too far from you with the idea that now he's really into this toy and he will go get it.

Mo is not a fan of step 3.

Mo looks at the toy, and returns to my feet. Sometimes he will even run after the toy but once he realizes I did not run too, he comes right back to my feet.

You see Mo and I viewed step 1 and step 2 differently. I thought I was teaching him how to like playing with the toy.

He thought he was playing with ME.

Once I take ME out of the equation, Mo is no longer interested in the game.

We had read that cockapoo dogs were very people oriented. Typically getting overly attached to one family member (anyone want to guess which one that is?). They struggle with separation anxiety as the number one concern with the breed.

Mo would rather sit at my feet than chase anything he loves.

He loves ME more than anything else. Well, pumpkin covered kibble is a very good contender.

On my walk this morning, I could hear him in the backyard crying for me. He figured out I went out the garage door, so he went out the back door looking for me. When he couldn't find me, he laid down at the gate and cried for me.

As I walked I thought about this.

Do I want to be at the feet of Jesus more than anything else?

Am I chasing other things or am I content to be still and be led?

Mama Warriors, maybe you, like me, often feel like your days have you chasing a million directions.

Sometimes in that busyness we lose sight of where we want to be.

I wrote on my board this morning "feet of Jesus" to remind me to continually take my mind and soul right back to where I'm at my best.

I'm the best wife, the best mother, the best daughter, the best friend when I consistently put myself at the feet of Jesus.

When my daily choices are aligned with that goal.

Breathe in "feet of Jesus" (like you are smelling the best flower ever)

Breathe out "give me peace" (like you are blowing out a birthday candle, eyes closed totally giving into the moment)

Sometimes all you need to hold yourself centered is a plan.

Carpet Cleaner

 "Our souls were created for the perfection of paradise, but our journey here on earth is riddled with potholes and mud puddles. It it weren't, then we'd have no desire for our real home. We'd become so complacent here that we wouldn't press on toward heaven."

Yesterday we took Mo to the vet for his FINAL puppy vaccines. Peanut and I have been looking forward to him having all his shot so he can go places safely.

He was a decent car rider on the way to the vet. When we left the vet, he settled in and laid down on the back seat and looked like he might nap.

I make all his vet appointments at his nap time. He's used to being in his crate for a nap mid morning, and that's when we go to the vet. He's long since had his breakfast. He's run and played. He's ready to rest.

Peanut and I were talking about all the fun places we want to take Mo in a week (we have to wait one week for these vaccines to kick in).

And Mo threw up. EVERYWHERE. In my (still really new to me) car.

While a tiny part of me is hopeful that he'll outgrow it, most of me knows that's not how my life goes.

While we can definitely still take him places, it will involve a little more thought and planning and air freshner it seems.

It seems in all the things there is this GAP between the way it is and the way I wish it was.

Recently in a devotional I read a blurb about how God wants to fill these GAPS in your life. The author gave a few suggestions for how ( let it draw you closer to God, look at the gap through God's perspective, and remember the gap is temporary).

The author asserted the idea that the gaps will be closed.

I'm going to politely disagree based on my own experiences.

I am the QUEEN of what SD likes to call the "Norman Rockwell issue." I very much have a picture of how it all is supposed to go - it never looks perfect in mind, but it's a messy in a funny or light or enjoyable way.

And our life is never perfect, but it's usually messy in a hard, ugly, tough kind of way.

Not very Norman Rockwell.

More like vomit everywhere.

I've come to the conclusion that the GAP is where I am supposed to find my joy.

I'm living in the GAP.

Me, and all my people, and apparently my dog, will always be broken and messy folks in need of grace. And carpet cleaner.

If we spend all our time in the GAP praying to get out of it, or praying for it to look differently , or praying for something else - we miss the message IN the gap.

The gap is the place where we grow, where we learn, where we both receive and extend the love of Jesus.

Mama Warriors, as we wake on this beautiful Saturday morning, I encourage you to look for the joy in your gap today.

Peanut and I had big plans today - we've been looking forward to them for a while. Yesterday she had a little bit of an upset tummy so we decided it best to hunker down today, let her rest and nourish her immune system.

So while we aren't at the fun thing this morning we had hoped to be at, we are instead in the GAP.

And in the gap is Peanut in her mermaid tail blanket, curled up on my couch with the dog she desperately prayed for watching Saturday morning cartoons.

The gap can be beautiful too..............