Less Comments, More Coffee

 “We want to go to God for answers, but sometimes what we get is God’s presence.”

― Nadia Bolz-Weber, Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner & Saint

While our new church is different in a lot of ways than the churches I grew up in, I find the presence of hymnals in the back of the pew oddly comforting.

A taste of home.

For regardless how bittersweet our relationship might be with home, it's still where we come from. It's the familiar.

As I opened the hymnal yesterday, I noticed the title of the section of hymns.

"The Christian Life"

I had to chuckle.

For you see, just that morning before church my social media feed was full of debate on what was and was not "Christian."

Saddening to me was the fact that the debate itself was not something I would label Christian.

In no way would I say being hateful or judgmental, being ugly or unkind to others, or putting up walls between people is "Christian."

I don't think we'd say Jesus excluded others. Or cared about political parties. Or talked before he listened.

I encourage my own people to go into any conversation with two main phrases.

Tell me more.

Consider this.

Always "tell me more" first. If your gut reaction is to go on the defense, or attack something someone just said. The response is "tell me more."

And then listen.

The problem I find with myself, and definitely my own children, is while I am trying to explain my viewpoint - they are formulating their defense in their minds. Which means they aren't really listening.

Think: am I building a bridge or assembling a wall?

And then, if you want to share your opinion, it's "Consider this."

If we want someone else to give our stance an honest chance at being heard - we must always listen first. And then present our side in a loving "consider this" view.

Build bridges.

Look for common ground.

Make space for different opinions.

Mama Warriors, I find we are all gung ho about America on the big holidays. Sporting our "Freedom" tshirts.

The thing is with that freedom comes the right to be different.

That should be COMFORTING to us.

We are each allowed to live into our own fearfully and wonderfully made journey.

These next few months are going to feel long and maybe you need to set some boundaries to walk gracefully through that.

I encourage you to comment less and get coffee together more.

Pulling that hymnal out of the pew this week reminded me of a time when in order for someone to know my opinion on something - they had to do life with me.

See me at church or Walmart.

Have facial expressions and tone, and reference for my thoughts.

Know my heart.

And thus if we had differences, that was okay. We could have a sporting conversation and still go through the pot luck together.

Technology has allowed us to take context out of conversations.

To make everything a monologue...........

A monologue you are judged on.

Less confrontational comments and posts.

More coffee.

I think that's how we successfully navigate not just an election year but any year.

Reframing Sweet Tea

 “What we know matters but who we are matters more.”

― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Today is the last day of summer for us.

This morning my brain swirled with all the "to do's." There are lesson plans to write for my own kid and for other people's kids. There are chores that have been neglected in favor of enjoying our house guests. There are new budgets to create. An inbox full of emails.

All the things.

This rush that it all needs to be this elusive "done" by Monday morning.

I dropped Peanut off at camp and came down to CFA to eat breakfast with my points and try to tackle the list.

I sat down with my sweet tea and I've managed to accomplish nothing.

Nothing.

Then comes the rush of guilt - I'm "wasting" this last morning of camp. I'm down to 1.5 hours until I have to pick her up. I have an errand to run, so really 1 hour.

I realized I was holding my breath and too frazzled to get anything done.

So this morning I sit.

I sit and do nothing because I've learned to read my body cues.

I've learned to lean into gifting myself grace and space.

This past month has been a whirlwind. I've felt overwhelmed with the uncertainty.

SD's new job is a blessing for him. But it's a change. He's no longer super close to our house. His two weeks of vacation time to spend with us disappeared. There's a new county to learn, a new way of doing things to process.

The wee one starts middle school Monday. I've pulled technology and am trying to figure out what the healthiest balance for our home looks like in practice.

We've had amazing house guests. The first to fly out happens today and we are sad. We will miss him dearly. And it's a signal that soon the others will fly out as well. Change is coming.

This morning I gift myself space to just sit in the mess.

I'm working on learning to reframe all the things.

Peanut and I worked on reframing our house guest leaving this morning as she cried "I don't want him to go. I'll miss him."

We talked about how he came for 3 weeks this time. His longest visit. How we were gifted time to go bowling, for him to see her in a play, to do puzzles, play games, to draw and to sit. How blessed we are to love him so much that we will miss him.

Reframing recognizes the feeling but makes space for looking at a situation in a new light.

As I sit with my tea this morning, I'm working through reframing each of my challenges or concerns. Making space for the feelings, but then naming what feels like too much and why. Then shedding new light on the situation.

Mama Warriors, as many of us shift into back to school mode, I encourage you to work with your kids, and yourself, on reframing.

Instead of dismissing kids fears or concerns with a "It'll be okay" - let's make space for them.

"You're nervous about a new teacher and a new class. It's okay to be nervous. When things are different, we can sometimes let worry overtake us. Let's think about what might be. Your new teacher might be really nice. You know what it feels like to be nervous so you can help someone else who is nervous. You were nervous on the first day of art camp but you found someone else who liked the same things as you do."

Gift yourself to space to reframe.

I think you'll find as you exercise that muscle, that finding the balance between recognizing the feeling and naming the positive in a new light will become easier.

Perhaps always easier with a CFA sweet tea.

Constructing Faith

 "Part of being human is being tempted to try to solve problems rather than sit with them."

Confession.

I look at Peanut sometimes and I'm jealous of how her faith has been constructed by her.

When Peanut was 4 she was very upset about the story of Noah and the ark in the Bible. It wasn't a fun story of animals going 2 by 2 for her. She was deeply saddened that she wanted to believe in a God who could kill all of His people. What kind of God was that?

I told her the truth. I don't know.

We made space for questioning, wrestling, big questions. And that set the tone for the faith journey we'd walk on parallel.

There's a lot of controversy about the movement to "deconstruct" your faith.

I find it concerning that many religious churches want you to not ask questions, wrestle with the big issues or challenge the way it's always been done.

You must not be "faithful" if you don't know all the things for sure.

I would assert that many of us aren't really deconstructing anything but rather constructing something for the first time. We are just now thinking about ALL the things we've been taught and wondering - what is truth?

I would assert that many of you, like me, were raised in a denomination where the man (key gender there) stood up front and told you what to think. What was "right." And you nodded and assumed that the interpretation of scripture by this ONE person was the only way.

I've slowly been evaluating all the things I was taught. Constructing my own faith.

I don't think Jesus would have a problem with that.

This past week I was cleaning out the homeschool room (a never ending chore) and came across our "motto" for the first few years of homeschooling.

"Let your light shine so others may see the good that you do and glorify your father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

My interpretation of that verse at the time was very much some 1980s VBS version.

Be the change.

Don't let the world change you.

You = good.

World = bad.

Last week Peanut had the opportunity to volunteer at an outreach camp program at our church.

Each day I noticed how serving others changed her.

I want Peanut to be changed by the world.

I want spending a week serving those who are racially, culturally, ethnically, economically, religiously, etc. diverse - I want her to be changed by that.

I want her heart to soften by those experiences.

I don't want her thinking she's some light in the darkness.

I want her to find the light in others.

I want her to notice that new kids love bracelet making too. I want her to recognize when someone's having a hard day. I want her to teach a group the church clap because someone taught her.

I want her to be changed by the world.

I want her to seek the voices in our community that aren't the loudest.

I want her to listen.

Mama Warriors, I know we all love our kids fiercely in this big Mama bear protective way.

We want them to be light but we only expose to them to rooms full of sunshine.

Are the spaces our kids are growing up in gifting them room to grow?

Are they spaces that allow for the questioning, the wrestling, the push back that is a sign of a healthy adolescent?

Are we encouraging them to be changed by the need they see in the world?

Are we making space for our kids to teach someone new the church clap or are they only hanging out with those who already know it?

More. Not Less.

 "When we pray the prayer....your kingdom come, your will be done.

We are involving ourselves in the process but we are not required for the outcome

God is not limited by us."

It's no secret that I am not summer's biggest fan.

I hate the heat. Yes, hate is the right word.

I'm also not a fan of the endless days without the structure of our regular schedule.

Over the last few weeks, I've had a work contract and Peanut has had more time solo than she's used to.

She's slowly inched from my very firm screen limits into using her screen for things I don't typically consider screen usage.

Reading, listening to audiobooks, drawing.

But what I realized this weekend was that Peanut's default was becoming headphones and a kindle screen.

And I noticed that based on the behaviors I was observing.

Less eye contact. Shorter tone. Frustration when asked to put away a screen ("I'm almost done. I need a few more minutes." Endlessly). Struggles with non screen activities - less grit, less problem solving, less ability to be creative, less imaginative.

Less, less, less.

Here's the thing.

None of this is Peanut's fault.

I KNOW that we are better people when we live a mostly screen free life.

I KNOW that our family is kinder, more connected, and healthier when we have much less screen time.

I chose to ignore that because I got busy working and the summer days are long.

Not intentionally......but in little slips each day.

I'm the one that has to set the boundaries for Peanut until she learns to set them herself.

I'm the one that has to hold Peanut accountable.

So, this weekend we had a hard conversation and we've put all screens away for a while.

I've given no set time that I'm returning them.

And have shared that if/when they are returned, there will be accountability and limits.

I've reminded her that in our home screens are a tool.

Not a lifestyle.

Our lifestyle is to speak kindly to each other. Our lifestyle is to use our creativity. Our lifestyle is to move our bodies. Our lifestyle is be fully present.

In just 48 hours she's a different kid.

There's less of that tween angst (it's not all gone, I won't give you false hope). There's more paper and pencil and swinging and swimming and laughing and talking.

There's more.

Not less.

Mama Warriors, I think sometimes we lose sight of who we, or are our kids are, because we slide down this slippery slope.

We all start with good intentions and then we let convenience be our guide.

It's easier for me to text you than to call you.

But which provides a more meaningful interaction?

It's easier for me to scroll your social media than sit with over coffee to catch up on your life.

But which provides a more meaningful connection?

What will provide more?

Not less.

Consider a New Hero

 God Would Kneel Down

I think God might be a little prejudiced.

For once He asked me to join Him on a walk

through this world,

and we gazed into every heart on this earth,

and I noticed He lingered a bit longer

before any face that was

weeping,

and before any eyes that were

laughing.

And sometimes when we passed

a soul in worship

God too would kneel

down.

I have come to learn: God

adores His

creation. - Daniel Landinsky

This week I had the opportunity to work in a few different settings as I was out dropping off/picking up Peanut from her volunteer position.

Though the work was the same, the view was different each day as I tried out different spots in our community.

It's interesting how a change of scenery can change your perspective.

While at home, my view is my messy house, my barking dog, and my cluttered dining room table.

I often feel like my work is taking me from the other things that need to be done.

While working outside the home this week, I felt a new sense of thankfulness for work. For provision. For the ability to do good work remotely and on my own time schedule.

It was no longer an inconvenience but a gift.

I'm still slowly making my way through the Proverbs 31 bible study this summer. This week we read in Genesis 16 about Sarah and Hagar.

My bible study text asserts that Sarah was so "selfless" and shares of the times Sarah sacrifices for the "good" of her family. We are to glean from Sarah (they say) about how to be a good Proverbs 31 woman.

Selflessness apparently has its limits as Sarah ends up sending Hagar away after asking her to produce an heir for her husband.

(side note - if you haven't listened to the bible with your children - there's a lot of "Abraham went into Hagar" type stuff going on - which is a good moment to stop and consider consent and a wealth of other topics)

She's now threatened by this relationship. Jealous. The text asserts that Sarah's selflessness is something to be admired. That it's Sarah who is the role model here.

As is typical, the lesson the bible study is presenting isn't the one I gleaned.

What if we took this story and we looked at not from Sarah's point of view but from Hagar's? What if we changed the scenery? What if we "worked" the story through a different lense?

Abraham and Sarah can't have a child. So they come up with their own solution. Abraham talks. Sarah talks. Neither God nor Hagar talk.

When things become difficult, Sarah jumps ship. She's "all done" as my toddlers used to announce. If you don't like something, get rid of it. She sends Hagar away.

Here we see Hagar talk. And then we see God talk.

We see God recognize the immigrant. The refugee. The slave. We see God give them a voice. And honor it.

We see how things have always been done challenged. Questioned. Changed.

We see a God of radical love.

What if the hero isn't Sarah for being selfless (questionable at best) but what if it's Hagar for seeing God for who He really is and being the first biblical character to recognize a God who sees the lost and suffering?

Mama Warriors, I am most certainly not a biblical expert and won't ever tell you there is "one" way to read/understand a story.

I will challenge you as you read anything to think about the scenery? Would the story read differently if you considered someone else the hero? Would the lesson look different?

Is there space for the outsiders to be the hero in the version of the story that you write?

As we continue through a political election year, I ask that you do the same thing.

With each big issue, can you sit for a minute and view the story through a different lens?

Can you consider the view from those less fortunate, refugees, immigrants, single moms, etc. ?

Can you consider it through the lens of not just Sarah but Hagar?

Can you make space for a different hero?