Connections

 "Connected yet alienated - that is the paradox of our global digital culture. We have access to so many things, yet we are increasingly incapable of seeing those things, or ourselves, in any meaningful context." Skye Jethani, The Divine Commodity

It's no secret that one of my favorite bible studies is the story of Mary leaving Jesus at the temple. Three days.

For 3 days, she walks without realizing she doesn't have her child. Not just any kid, but the son of God.

Anyone who has walked through the middle school years knows that maybe a few days without a surly 12 year old seemed okay.

I'm feeling a whole lot better about the time we lost Xman at the ballfield for 10 minutes.

Whenever I read that passage, I can clearly hear God say "I've got your kids."

I don't have to hold them so tight. I have to let them find their path, wander.

I have to trust that growing up requires some risk.

It requires some uncomfortable stretching for us both.

I have to lean into the stretching, the growing. Not try to shield both of us from it.

I've listened to numerous sermons on that passage.

Not once has any preacher/priest/leader said that to me. Not once.

Each time I listen to a sermon on that passage the "message" is very different. Some assert that this story teaches you that its our job to follow Jesus. Our responsibility to stay close to him. Sometimes a female will share that we aren't perfect mothers. That we make mistake. That there is grace and forgiveness in that.

Regardless, what I clearly hear when I study that passage on my own is never what a sermon is about.

I feel like this is where religion gets tricky.

It's where we tend to say "this means that." The end.

Turns out I've been circling this struggle since the 10th grade. In a literature class, my teacher asked "What did the author mean when he said ....?"

Let's all recognize I did not raise my hand, but when I was selected I answered with what I thought was a thoughtful response.

To which my teacher said "No - that's not what he's saying here."

It's *possible* I may have replied "Did you have lunch with him? Do know that for sure?"

At that point, I believe I was asked to leave the room. Because teachers in the 90s weren't a fan of being questioned.

While adult me knows I could have approached that conversation more respectfully - I still stand by the premise of my question.

How do we know for SURE what an author wants us to get from a passage?

Just because the author of the teacher guide, probably an English major in college, said it was "X" - was it?

And was it for EVERYONE?

We've removed the very thing that early educators knew worked.

The ability to ask questions.

To ponder, to wonder, to make space for connection.

By asserting that any one bible verse or story means ONE thing.......we've removed the Holy Spirit from the reading of the bible.

We've removed the ability of Jesus to connect to us.

We've chosen information over context.

Mama Warriors, I hope we are making space for kids who ask hard questions.

For kids who challenge the norm.

Could we not say Jesus was one of those kids? Asking hard questions? Challenging the norm?

Rather than absolutes, let's make space for "consider this."

Rather than alienating each other, let's make space for connections.

Be Quarters

"Make prayer both your lifeline and your lifestyle."

Out of the two of us, me and Sweet Daddy, I'm the "messy" parent. So far today, I've made slime, had a kool aid and baking soda explosion on my driveway, watched as Peanut then used her squirt bottle to drench herself, painted the driveway with sidewalk chalk, and had a baking mess with one 3 year old and chocolate chip muffins. I embrace rain, sand, mud, paint, colored spaghetti.

Life is messy. 

It's in the mess, that you discover things about yourself. 

One of the messiest parts of life are relationships. 

I think until you walk a trial, it's tough to know how to support someone who is. If we were honest with ourselves, I think most of us are decent at the "quick trials." We can bring you a meal when you have a new baby, we can show up the visitation of your deceased loved one, we can send a nice card once you make your first appearance on the prayer list.

But then over time, it's where the hundreds of pennies of friends become the four quarters that are still around. And sometimes, you're blessed that you get a new quarter through your journey. 

Sometimes it's because you're carrying your own heavy load and don't have room to help someone else carry theirs. Sometimes it's because you're so busy treading water with your own people, then you are already taking on too much water. You're drowning. 

But often, I think it's because we aren't empathetic that sometimes people need to hunker down and tote their own load. We don't know how to respond to turned down invitations, lapses in time between phone calls, or the change in friendship norms. In THEIR trial, we think about how WE feel. Our feelings are hurt. 

Hebrews 10:24-25 New International Version (NIV)

24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

We are called to encourage one another. 

Relationships are messy. We are called to crawl into the mess with our friends. Sit in their closets with them. 

We are not called to judge how their walk their journey. 

We are called to be a quarter in the world of friendships. 

Mama Warriors, let us be quarters. I'm thankful for my quarters. I'm thankful for the new quarters God has given me through this journey. Those who walk the gastro madness, who support and encourage me. Those who walk the wee ones who won't sleep madness and encourage me. And those who don't walk either, but know what it's like to walk something for a LONG time - and who hang in there with me. Who respect my radius. Who understand my limitations. Who support me anyway. 

We're lucky to be given "people" who love us well.

Let us be people who love others well. Let us be quarters.

Be a River

"Love is a river and there are times when impediments (boulders) stop the flow of love. .....The miracle of grace is that you can give what you have never gotten. Your source is God. You are your own source. Your river is strong. Flow unimpeded."

Sweet Daddy (who thinks I need a new name to call him by - a quick aside, his mother called him Sweet Boy when she talked about him and when I started writing I struggled for a nickname for him....so SD it became) - anyway, Sweet Daddy says I am incredibly difficult to buy for. 

I would attest I am incredibly easy to buy for. 

I have learned that material gifts is HIS love language. Not mine. 

No matter how many times I ask for a clean van or a bathroom with no stains - I'm going to unwrap something. Because he gives as he knows how to receive. 

The first few years we were married I would open these gifts and think "really?" Even if they were nice things they were frequently not things I would have spent money on. Or would use enough to warrant the money spent on them. 

One year he gave me yellow pants because I thought it was so funny when Frankie on The Middle got yellow pants for Mother's Day. I do not wear yellow pants either. He missed what was funny about the yellow pants. 

So over the last two decades I have mastered the art of "gift asking."

He's going to buy something on the 3 big days a year - Christmas, my birthday and Mother's day. 

So I store up all the things that would be useful to me but I would never buy because I'm getting along without them - and I ask for those. 

He so enjoys gifting me things. 

And now I enjoy receiving them. 

A few years ago I asked for bowls with handles. 

There were massive cracks made about how excited Mom was going to be over bowls - from the people with video game systems, new games, books/dvds, and toys on their list. 

If you have never eaten soup or cereal or better yet ice cream curled up under a fuzzy blanket on your couch with a bowl with a handle - you are missing out. Trust me. I received six of them and they are never clean. So I'm just saying. 

Last Christmas I asked for a new travel mug. All of mine began to pour hot tea on me as I shuffled kids here and there. And none of them actually kept the tea hot. 

I got this thermos mug in the picture. I'm just going to tell you - it's the Cadillac of travel mugs. HOURS later - that tea will still be too hot to drink. 

See the bowls with handles, the travel mug, the year I got an electric knife to slice my homemade bread - all of these things - they enhance my day. They SERVE me. 

They bring me joy. 

When my people love me, they often want to love me how they want to be loved. 

That serves THEM but not me. 

I think we all find ourselves guilty of that from time to time. 

My mother had surgery two weeks ago. I've been by several times a day to try to help. I want to do the laundry, pick up the groceries, help her get around. 

I realized this week though what SHE wants is people to keep her company. She's used to being very busy. 

While two weeks on my couch seems like a dream to this introvert - it is not my mother's dream. She's lonely. She's watched all her recorded TV. She's social media'd. 

She wants me to sit and watch Halloween Wars with her while we have a snack and listen to me ramble about the messes my children make. 

She wants to be loved as SHE receives love - not as I do. 

Mama Warriors, I think a lot of times its challenging to love our people in the way they receive love. We often don't even recognize that it's different. 

Sometimes we've never seen love modeled in that way - as time, as acts of service, as physical touch, as gifts, etc. 

We can still be a flowing river. 

We can give that which we never received because of grace. 

In a sermon I listened to recently I heard someone say that we often comment that we will pray for someone as "its the least I can do." When really it's the MOST we can do. 

We can love people through prayer but also committing to pray about how to serve them in a way they can receive. 

So if your people are complicated bowls with handles folks too, I assure you - you can love them too :) 

You can be a river.

Be the Light

 Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. Desmond Tutu

Last week the overhead light in my kitchen went out.

SD and Xman changed the bulbs out this weekend.

Still no light.

"The kitchen is dark" I tell SD.

And then I realize.........I can turn on the light over the sink. I can turn on the light over the stove. I can open curtains and let natural light in.

Is the kitchen as light as it once was? No.

Is there light? Yes.

Light that was always there.

I can't control the darkness.

I can only control the light.

My newsfeed is swamped in darkness.

So much so that you might think light does not exist.

I think we want to control the darkness.

We only have control over the light.

I was reminded last week that I felt similarly as I did when my two oldest first started driving cars.

I taught them all the things. Defensive driving. Wearing a seatbelt. Don't use your phone. Pay attention.

But I can't control the other drivers.

I lived in fear that someone would drive drunk, drive fast, not pay attention. That something terrible would happen to them.

I became a slave to my Life360 app. Did they get there safely?

Do you stop them from driving?

No.

You trust the statistics.

Statistics say that good triumphs more often than not.

Light wins more than darkness.

My kids were in a terrible car accident. Totaled a car. Banged up but alive.

Did I stop them from driving?

No.

Did I want to? Absolutely.

Would that have been what was best for them? No.

I sent them back out in a car.

Because continuing to search for light and not letting darkness win is important.

We're grasping right now for control.

I have removed myself from 3 facebook groups as of this afternoon.

Places that are breeding grounds for fear.

Thursday, my husband went to a public school 9 miles from the scene.

Thursday, my son went to a college campus.

Thursday, my daughter went to a government building.

Thursday, my youngest and I went in a church.

Those types of places have ALL been scenes of horrific events.

But we went anyway.

Because statistically good triumphs evil.

Because not only can we look for light, but we can be light.

Mama Warriors, I know you all want your babies to be "safe."

Safe at what cost?

At the cost of teaching them that evil triumphs good?

At the cost of creating kids who make decisions based on fear?

At the cost of hope?

The kitchen light may have gone out in our community for a bit.

But it's not dark.

Light exists.

Love prevails.

Love will prevail......

 "Love will prevail." Jud Smith, Barrow County Sherriff

Sunday I listened to a sermon about the minimum and the maximum we are called to do.

The minimum is the floor. The very least you can do and still lean into giving God your heart.

The maximum is the ceiling. The very most you can do and still lean into giving God your heart.

This week much of our community is reeling from unspeakable tragedy.

Wednesday we feared for SD's safety.

Yesterday we sat our 11 year old down to explain the tragedy in the best way we could.

This is not a Jeremiah 29:11 moment.

I do not believe this was "God's plan" for anyone in that building.

Can God bring good from evil? Absolutely.

But was the plan for 2 teachers and 2 students not to make it home that day? Was the plan for hundreds of people to be traumatized and terrified?

I caution us to think through Christian platitudes before we say them.

I think when horrible things happen we struggle because we shout on social media about the ceiling.

Reform. Change. Policies.

But because the ceiling seems unreachable, or we don't know where to begin.........we do nothing.

We forget about the floor.

"Thoughts and prayers" are underground.

The floor is certainly above that.

The floor this week for us looks like providing snacks/waters for Apalachee teachers as they gather and grieve.

The floor this week for us looks like financially supporting Barrow Community Foundation that is serving families.

The floor this week looks like putting our money and our actions behind our hearts.

"We are made to strive. We are made to pursue the ideal. But we also need to know what the minimum is. We also need to know: What is the least I can do?" Father Mike

Mama Warriors, as we process this tragedy with our own kids - think "What's my floor?"

Thoughts are prayers are great - and needed.

But they don't feed families. They don't pay for funerals. They don't help teachers/students process tragedy. They don't put a school back together.

They don't prevent future tragedies.

They are underground.

Let's find the floor as a community.

And let's dare to aim for the ceiling.

Together we can be a part of Love prevailing.

Fear With Faith

“I may not always be with you the way that I want to be, but I will never leave your side,” Kristina Braverman

My second favorite TV show is Parenthood. I used a VCR to record it each week when my big kids were little. It was literally the cheapest therapy I could find. I would get a cold coke, a box of tissues and sit down for my weekly cathartic cry. A few years ago, the show appeared on Netflix and it became the summer binge series for the Princess and I. 

I have MANY favorite episodes - ones that are guaranteed to always tug at my heart. 

For those who were not Parenthood watchers, Zeke and Camille have four grown children, with families of their own, and are all a bit of a beautiful mess. I would seriously love to be adopted. 

In one particular episode, Amber, one of the teenage grandchildren, was in a bad car accident. After she recovers from surgery and a hospital stay, Zeke (grandpa) takes her out to the storage lot to see the car. 

They stand next to this car, where you realize it's a miracle she's okay, and he talks to her. He tells her how she's his dream. How he spent two years in Vietnam thinking of the family he'd have one day. How he dreamed of her LONG before she ever existed.  How important she is. (at this point one tissue one won't do it - you need a box and a tub of ice cream for this one). 

As I stood in Taylor's storage lot this morning, that episode is all I could think about. We went to say goodbye to "Tiny Car." 

I watched my big kids climb into this car and retrieve their things. 

The damage looks far worse in person. I looked at the glass all over the car. I looked at the blue wrap holding the car together. 

And I remembered to be thankful for this minor inconvenience. 

An employee asked me if it was okay to show them something. I said of course. I was already a fan of Brandt's customer service. 

He walked us over to two cars - with people not so fortunate. A mother and a child on their way home killed by someone who crossed the line. He shared with the kids how every single day he goes to the scene of bad accidents. And how everyone is not so fortunate. How some of those accidents never leave you. 

How some people's mothers aren't standing in a car lot collecting their Nickelback CD and baseball hat.  

Other people's mothers are planning funerals. 

Ever since my gastro health stuff, I've been struggling with the idea of faith over fear. 

Because let's face it , fear is LOUD. 

Fear is captivating. 

And people are .....cliche when they discuss fear. 

"Oh - you just don't pray enough."

"You are just a worry wart."

"God plans all things for good" (that's a soapbox for another day) 

None of that is helpful. I do pray. A lot. 

And there's a large gray area where I think most of the world disagrees on whether its faith or fear. 

I think we could take any issue and argue both sides. 

Wearing a mask - fear of virus. Wearing a mask - faith in the scientists that tell us wearing a mask reduces exposure. 

Somehow in this balance of faith and fear I also have to take into consideration teen invincibility. 

The idea that my teenagers may not have enough fear to keep them safe. 

I made a lot of poor choices in my teen/young adult years. But I also had a healthy amount of fear of serious trouble so there were lines I would not cross. 

I think we could argue that it isn't really faith versus fear. Because in many lights, we are called to fear God. 

But rather turning our fears over to Jesus so we are not alone with them. 

The bible says "do not be afraid" a lot but I don't think Jesus actually thinks we will never be afraid. 

Rather, I think we are called to confess our fear and not be in it alone. 

Mama Warriors, I watched my two crazy big kids climb on the hood of that car for a picture today and all I could think is "there's my dream."

As much as 20 something year old me thought this mom gig would look different in action, I always wanted to be their mother. 

I dreamed them. 

I stood there today reminding myself that I am fighting fear again. That their lives feel so precious. So fragile. 

I choose to confess the fear and not stand in it alone. 

I choose to conquer fear WITH faith - not choose one over the other. 

Fear WITH faith.

Clay

"I remember in the nursery school where I worked when I was doing my masters in childhood development. There is a man who would come every week to sculpt in front of the kids. The director said, 'I don't want you to teach sculpting. I just want you to do what you do and love it in front of the children. '

Rogers says the kids used their own clay more innovatively, more creatively and more often than any other time before or after.

"A great gift from any adult to a child, it seems to me, is to love what you do in front of the child," Rogers said."

I've read several books about Mr. Rogers over the last year, and watched two documentaries. 

This piece is still the one that continues to jump out at me. 

The note I made in my journal is "love the clay." I wrote it in the front of my lesson plan binder for the school year. 

This morning I took Peanut to the park. 

We haven't had a solid park day with playground since March. 

I had packed up all of our school stuff with the intention of doing second grade at the park and then having play time. 

I will confess we didn't get much school work done. We worked on something here/there when she took breaks from playing for water. 

I watched as she approached a shy young girl who wanted to play. I heard her tell her "I'll be over here swinging while you get used to me." She gave her space to adjust to the playground, to her. Then she was kind and gentle as they both swang on the playground. 

She came over to me at one point and said "Mommy - her mommy doesn't have anyone to talk to. Maybe you should say hello."

We've had some adjustments here in the last week as we return to having one car and me driving both big kids to all the places. I've been a little worried about how again second grade will take the back burner as I prioritize the Princess's job, the Xman's classes and sports, our commitments. 

As I watched Peanut at the park today, I realized, there will always be time for academics. And in many seasons before we have sprinkled her core learning in here/there. 

Loving the clay in front of her. 

There's a window for that. 

There's a small amount of time when she revolves her world around me. When she's watching me and soaking up how I live my life. 

People first. 

The shy girl at the playground. 

The mom who just dropped her kids off at school for the first time since March whose still unsure about her decision. 

The dad whose kid has less fear than he does. 

People first. 

I sat on the swing to read my new novel. She eventually joined me, excited to read a chapter of her new book too. 

Love the clay in front of them. 

Mama Warriors, today very much feels like Hump Day here. I'm struggling with feeling overwhelmed with our schedule and the drastic changes the last week has brought. 

Perhaps this start of the school year has been rocky for you as well. 

I challenge you to take a moment today to just love the clay in front of them. 

If you aren't making time for what brings you joy, then your kids are missing out on seeing you love the clay. 

Too often I think we PROMOTE what we want from our kids. 

When actually the best way to reach them is to ATTRACT them. 

Love the clay in front of them.

okay

"How could I carry the joy I felt for what God could do in the same heart that breaks because of what God won't do?"

I've been avoiding writing this one for a week now. Maybe I thought if I didn't write it, it wasn't happening. Turns out that's not true. If I don't write it, I'm not being transparent. If I don't write it, I'm not searching for how He is at work. But, it's still happening. 

I started with (yet another) new doctor in late July. We ran a bunch of (expensive) labs. I left there after my first visit feeling hopeful. The doctor seemed to have heard me and agreed that my issues are a symptom of something. 

And yet again on paper, I look well. My labs are "odd." There are definitely some things off but not what the doctor thought would be, and the things that are, he doesn't think are my issue. 

He gave me some new supplements, had a few suggestions for trying to help me feel better, and told me "time."

I'm going to be honest, since beginning his new regiment, I'm worse. Which means this weekend, I have to decide if I ride this out, weathering the side effects, until my next appointment as suggested, or if I abandon/alter this route. 

My devotion reads over the last week keep circling back to this idea of finding His glory in suffering. 

I keep asking God to give me something else. Anything else. 

He keeps reminding me that suffering here has two purposes. For us to SEEK Him (Hosea 5:14 - 15) and to draw us CLOSER (Isiah 30:18). 

"He cares enough to allow me to struggle, find a deeper understanding of His purposes for me, and a deeper connection."

I'm *just* beginning to understand this idea that it takes an intense love to let someone you love struggle. 

As we parent two teenagers, I'm "allowing" some struggle. Some suffering. I'm not stepping in to fix things. Honestly, sometimes I can't whether I want to or not. 

I'm letting these struggles shape my children. And I'm praying that they come out stronger. More grounded. Rooted in Him. 

14 Here is what we can be sure of when we come to God in prayer. If we ask anything in keeping with what he wants, he hears us. 1 John 5:14

I'm hearing God say to me that just because something is possible doesn't mean it's what he deems best for ME. 

And that's a hard truth for me. 

This idea that even if IT isn't okay, I'm going to be okay. 

This elusive definition of "okay" isn't mine. 

My preferred "okay" would be to need no huge pills in a day. My preferred "okay" would be to eat without thinking. My preferred "okay" would be to sleep through the night. My preferred "okay" would be to be able to go and do with my family as I once used to. 

He reminds me that sometimes "okay" is being SUSTAINED. 

Mama Warriors, I'm thinking and praying for many of you specifically today. For how your "okay" doesn't match what I want for you. For those struggling, for those suffering. I'm praying that we all come to want His will for us. That we all embrace this idea that no matter what happens with our "it", we are going to be okay in His arms.