okay

"How could I carry the joy I felt for what God could do in the same heart that breaks because of what God won't do?"

I've been avoiding writing this one for a week now. Maybe I thought if I didn't write it, it wasn't happening. Turns out that's not true. If I don't write it, I'm not being transparent. If I don't write it, I'm not searching for how He is at work. But, it's still happening. 

I started with (yet another) new doctor in late July. We ran a bunch of (expensive) labs. I left there after my first visit feeling hopeful. The doctor seemed to have heard me and agreed that my issues are a symptom of something. 

And yet again on paper, I look well. My labs are "odd." There are definitely some things off but not what the doctor thought would be, and the things that are, he doesn't think are my issue. 

He gave me some new supplements, had a few suggestions for trying to help me feel better, and told me "time."

I'm going to be honest, since beginning his new regiment, I'm worse. Which means this weekend, I have to decide if I ride this out, weathering the side effects, until my next appointment as suggested, or if I abandon/alter this route. 

My devotion reads over the last week keep circling back to this idea of finding His glory in suffering. 

I keep asking God to give me something else. Anything else. 

He keeps reminding me that suffering here has two purposes. For us to SEEK Him (Hosea 5:14 - 15) and to draw us CLOSER (Isiah 30:18). 

"He cares enough to allow me to struggle, find a deeper understanding of His purposes for me, and a deeper connection."

I'm *just* beginning to understand this idea that it takes an intense love to let someone you love struggle. 

As we parent two teenagers, I'm "allowing" some struggle. Some suffering. I'm not stepping in to fix things. Honestly, sometimes I can't whether I want to or not. 

I'm letting these struggles shape my children. And I'm praying that they come out stronger. More grounded. Rooted in Him. 

14 Here is what we can be sure of when we come to God in prayer. If we ask anything in keeping with what he wants, he hears us. 1 John 5:14

I'm hearing God say to me that just because something is possible doesn't mean it's what he deems best for ME. 

And that's a hard truth for me. 

This idea that even if IT isn't okay, I'm going to be okay. 

This elusive definition of "okay" isn't mine. 

My preferred "okay" would be to need no huge pills in a day. My preferred "okay" would be to eat without thinking. My preferred "okay" would be to sleep through the night. My preferred "okay" would be to be able to go and do with my family as I once used to. 

He reminds me that sometimes "okay" is being SUSTAINED. 

Mama Warriors, I'm thinking and praying for many of you specifically today. For how your "okay" doesn't match what I want for you. For those struggling, for those suffering. I'm praying that we all come to want His will for us. That we all embrace this idea that no matter what happens with our "it", we are going to be okay in His arms.