Hypothetical

 “You know, I’m still learning this stuff, too, and since I’m still learning, I think I haven’t thought enough about what I’m supposed to be teaching you.” – Lorelai

Last weekend the girls and I went to out to eat in a local Mexican restaurant.

Upon sitting down, Peanut said "So we just tell them whatever we want and they make it?"

I realized in that moment that she has not eaten in a sit down restaurant that she remembers.

She had no concept of menus, wait staff, ordering, etc.

The last time I ate in a restaurant with her was September of 2013 - the year she was born. She was six months old, and nursing exclusively at the time.

The next time I ate inside a restaurant was March of this year but she wasn't with us. 7.5 years later. Even then I had a drink and slowly grazed the chips/salsa on the table. Didn't order.

I felt this slight twinge of guilt that she hadn't had this experience.

And then thought "Why do I feel bad that almost all her meals for the last 8.5 years have been in our home with our family?"

Yes she's had the occasional Lord's chicken nugget or some inferior fast food version. She definitely likes a Sonic slushie.

She's had countless park picnics, backyard lunches, and dinners at home followed by games and laughter.

It's interesting to me when I tell people how long it's been since I've eaten in a restaurant, or even food from a restaurant, the response is always something along the lines of "I could never."

The thing is you could if the consequences were grave enough.

That last time I ate out, in October of 2013, was the final straw that put me on a 100 pound quick weight loss program and was the most unhealthy I've ever been.

Healing my body with food became more important than anything else - cravings for cheese dip, convenience, cultural norms.

Keeping what I ate became my daily mission. Healing my body.

I've been thinking about that lately as everyone is still arguing over the possible responses to COVID.

I've been thinking about how a lot of the "I would never" is because the consequences aren't grave enough for that person. Yet.

Until something is personal it's so easy to get lost in the myriad of options, concerns, etc.

Until it's us, or someone super close to us, that lies in the ICU on a ventilator, it's all a hypothetical conversation.

Until it was me unable to keep down anything I ate, giving up eating out was always a conversation about finances, how we choose to spend our family time, etc. It was never about how to stay alive.

Hypothetical conversations are so easy to be passionate about.

Just ask anyone who does NOT have children their thoughts on child rearing. They have them. They are happy to share them. They will eat every single word sure they ever have kids.

That's how most of life's arguments go.

In October of 2013 I began a grave spiritual quest. I definitely had religious beliefs, feelings and practices before. But until the moment I thought I may not make it, they weren't personal.

Until the consequences felt personal, I sort of had a laissez faire relationship with Jesus.

And then I woke up one day and had to pray over every single bite I put in my mouth. I had to become fully dependent upon something greater than myself to even do the basics.

Then it was personal.

Mama Warriors, as our community still debates I ask you to make space that how you respond to anything greatly depends on the consequences for YOU.

Let's make space for the fact that the consequences for someone else may be different, and thus they may need to respond differently.

Hypothetical conversations are so easy.

Let's make space for the fact that sometimes our hypothetical is someone else's reality.

Still Waters

 "Thirsty souls of men and women can only be fully satisfied when their capacity and thirst for spiritual life is fully quenched by drawing on Himself."

I've decided that this dog, much like other spontaneous things that come into my life, have a lot to teach me.

We school out of our dining room. For the first few weeks we had Mo we continued to try to school in the dining room with him. He ate a lab report. And countless other assignments. He is completely freaked out by the printer and barks and attacks it every single time you print a page. He learned to remove books from the shelf just above his reach. He ate through plastic baskets.

No matter how much I rearranged or "Mo proofed" the room, he found something else to get into.

A generous friend brought me some baby gates, and we gated Mo out of the dining room completely.

That first picture is my view anytime I sit down to work or school.

Mo stands up on the gate and watches me until I get settled.

One I am seated and working, the second picture is my view. He decides the world is okay and he lays down to sleep.

First he checks in with me, then he rests.

He doesn't need to keep looking at me. He doesn't get up and peer over the gate multiple times. He knows I am nearby.

I am his still waters.

From me he gathers his safety, comfort, sustenance and peace.

I will admit it's been a bit overwhelming to be someone's whole world. Again.

He stays in constant contact with me. If he can get to me, you will find him on my feet. He sits on my feet while I cook. He lays at my feet while I drink tea outside on these (thankfully) chilly mornings. I spend the rest of my day tripping over him. We are that close. All the time.

I was listening to a sermon recently that challenged me with the question

Where are your still waters?

It was a sermon on Psalm 23. The preacher was exerting that many of us have forgotten to look for the Shepherd to lead us to still waters AND we've forgotten to linger there.

When He leads us to the gate, we are supposed to release all we are holding and lay down in peace. He's there.

As the addition of the dog, the return of school, and some other family things, have recently shaken my planned snowglobe of what this month would look like, I'm trying to find my own still waters.

I'm reminding myself that I, much like my dog, are most at peace when I am at the foot of the Shepherd.

When I find myself frantically running around trying to create peace, I know I am not near my own still waters.

Mama Warriors, the interesting thing is that YOUR still waters are not MY still waters.

Much like there are 5 of us here, Mo is only at peace at the foot of one of us. He's happy at others feet, content at some, but only at peace at mine. He's tuned in to his own still waters and is led by that.

We, too, need to find where He leads us and sit there.

Be still.

Puppy Biting

 "We're all chasing joy. Some joy comes when you least expect it. And some joy comes because you set yourself up for it."

Every morning I let Mo Trouble out of his crate and I literally trip over him trying to get the door open to take him out.

When we get outside, I've learned that he will not go to the bathroom UNTIL I have paid attention to him.

I sit in my blue chair on our deck and he immediately jumps on my knees to say good morning.

Once I've loved on him, talked to him, pet him, THEN he will go to the bathroom.

Together, we sit outside and wait for the sun to rise.

I took this picture of him this week and when I looked it at it on my camera I thought "He looks so little!"

We've had him a full month now and I forget sometimes he's just a puppy.

At the vet, we were told "When he's four months old, that's when you can START training him. If he learns anything before then, it's not solid. Developmentally, 4 months is when he can start making connections that stick."

I've been a tad frustrated with him as he has many very normal puppy behaviors.

This morning, as he had his paws on my knee and was so excited to see me, I reminded myself - he's just a toddler seeking my attention.

He's trying to figure out the rules. Learn the ropes.

I had one of those God wink moments.

My teenagers are trying to figure out the rules. Learn the ropes.

They often look like grown ups. Driving cars. Paying some bills. Holding down jobs. Navigating school. Making decisions.

But they are not grown ups.

They often don't know how to ask for attention in appropriate ways.

They often don't ask for help when they should. When they need it.

They often make messes that they can't clean up on their own.

And all of that is okay.

Just as it's designed to be.

But much like Mo Trouble and his puppy biting, it can be hard to remember that just because we see some behaviors doesn't mean developmentally they are ready for ALL the things.

Mama Warriors, maybe you, like me, want your kids to hold on to their childhood.

Stop rushing to the next stage because we all know it's fleeting and you can't go back.

But maybe you, like me, sometimes get frustrated with the puppy biting behaviors of raising teenagers.

It can be painful and hurtful. An ugly walk.

Sometimes the way they show they love us does not look like the way we want to receive love.

Sometimes the bites leave marks that are hard to forget.

Let's remember that they are not grown ups.

But we are.

Love Wins

 "What Mister Rogers taught us is that the dignity of a person is not dependent upon anything except the fact that they exist and are made in the image of God. His or her attitude, opinions, political affiliation, education, race, gender, or even their words or actions are not the defining factor of their person even if we disapprove or disagree, even if the person is arrogant, ignorant, or annoying, even if the person does things differently than we would do." Emily P Freeman

Earlier this week I had the opportunity to attend a visitation for the death of a man who was well loved. As I stood in the funeral home and looked around, it was obvious he loved well.

Unfortunately attending funeral visitations seems to be a thing I do now.

It's a beautifully sad thing to step into the journey of grief with a family.

While the media, and perhaps your morning social media feed as well, would like for us all to think we are very different, we all have a lot more in common than we think.

We all love someone.

Someone loves us.

And there will be a day when those someones are standing in a funeral visitation line waiting to greet each other.

In the moment of extremes, as a community we seem to be able to show up for each other.

But I worry that in the doing life day to day, we are FAR from where we need to be.

We create division where division was never meant to exist.

We forget that we are all images of God.

I started my day praying for mother. A few weeks out of a knee replacement surgery and she is battling COVID. Her immune system has taken a beating the last few years - the cancer, the chemo, the multiple surgeries - and then more recently the ankle, and now the knee.

I have to quietly rally my prayer warriors because publically her battle is political.

Not personal.

And to me, and all who loves her, it's personal.

We, as a community, can not love each other well because we've forgotten that we are arguing, debating, and being ugly about people.

It is very much your right to make any decision you see fit for YOU.

But when you publicly insult and are ugly about those who make a different decision, you are forgetting that those image bearers made their own decision too. A decision they had a right to make.

Or hold an opinion they have a right to hold.

We create a community where someone like me doesn't ask you to pray for her mother because she's no longer a person and is very much a statistic in a poorly argued political debate.

It's kind of hard to see Jesus amongst all of it.

We should know our people want to pray for our needs above and beyond their stances on all the things.

I don't know about you but that's not how my feed looks this morning.

We've created division where division was never intended to exist.

Mama Warriors, I wonder how many times we miss the opportunity to really show up for each other because we've given the impression than anything other than loving each other as image bearers is our main goal?

I wonder how often we create division by our words and actions?

As the weather cools just a tad, I encourage us all to take a deep breath and let change seep into our soul.

Let's be ready to exhale love for ALL His people above all else.

Hate was never intended to win.

Tacos and Clue

 "People with anxiety believe that the best defense against the worst thing happening is to take control. The best defense is acceptance."

This picture was taken around my dining room table last week.

It was an evening of tacos, a rousing game of Clue, pound cake, and the unspoken hanging in the air.

It would be the last time, for a while, my dining room looks like this.

This that has been our norm over the last few months.

Last night a piece of my heart got on a plane to go across the country on a BIG adventure.

I couldn't be more excited or proud of her for choosing to move forward amongst the hard.

I couldn't be more selfishly sad for me because she has the most authentic laugh, gives the best hugs, and makes a room a place you want to be in.

I often struggle with what and where my mission field is. I watch as some devote time to BIG and feel this twinge of guilt - where am I making a difference?

Where am I called to be?

And then one day I am standing in my kitchen, slightly teary (though I promised it was not a day for ugly crying) and I glance over at my table.

Where EVERYONE is welcome.

And I see that this beautiful young woman that we scooped up has brought another.

Because EVERYONE is welcome.

As I prayed for this scooped young woman of ours, I thanked Him for gifting me the opportunity to show up for her in the small.

I thanked her mama in heaven for all the conversations we had in a hard parenting season because I can without a doubt say her mother loved in a Mr. Rogers "just the way you are" kind of way.

I wondered if I showed up as well for her mama in life as I do in death?

That question catches me as I sip my tea through tears this morning.

Mama Warriors, do we show up for each other in life as well as we do in the hard?

We are all pretty good at signing up for the meal trains, or sending cards to those with a new challenging diagnosis, or doing a store run for a neighbor who is ill.

We show up for the funeral.

But do we show up for coffee on the average Tuesday to say "I see you doing the hard daily?"

Maybe our mission field is in creating a Jesus table - the kind where EVERYONE is welcome.

On a random Thursday night for tacos and Clue.

Voice

 "My whole life I've been complaining that my work was constantly interrupted , until I discovered the interruptions were my work."

This is my view the majority of the day.

Mo is 14 weeks old and is like having a new toddler arrive at your house. He is either into something he is not supposed to be or he's jumping/biting/pulling at my pants or whatever he can reach.

Much like the other 3 children I've brought home to this house, Mo has decided that he wants ME to pay attention to him. ME to feed him. ME to pet him. ME to take him out. He follows ME around all the time.

Mo wants and needs a lot of attention.

Where he and I are currently struggling is HOW he gets that attention.

He thinks he should rip my pant legs or sleeves on my shirt, or bite at my hands, or should I be sitting, attack my entire head. Always playful puppy bites, never mean or aggressive, but annoying and occasionally painful.

A behavior we do not want to encourage.

So we tell him "drop" or "gentle" or "sit" and then, and ONLY then do we give him a treat, play with him, and tell him "good drop" or "good gentle" or "good sit" with much enthusiasm.

Teaching him a new way to get our attention is a full time job.

As Mo is requiring a lot of my attention, I've noticed that Peanut is also beginning to exhibit attention seeking behavior.

Every ant bite is a catastrophe. Every bump or bruise comes with big tears. Every school struggle is met with a meltdown.

Much like Mo, I've been thinking about how to best respond to Peanut's wants/needs.

Much like Mo, I want to praise and give attention to the positive behaviors that I want to encourage, and little to no attention to the negative behaviors I want to stop.

I read this quote in a book this week and it resonated deep with me

"Your pain is important, but you don't have to make it bigger than it is just for me to hear you or to make it valid."

I want Peanut to feel validated in her feelings without having to make them into something larger than they are.

I also want her to know that SHE is control of her feelings and how she responds to them.

For the ant bite I say "Ouch - ant bites hurt! What might make that feel better?" ..........."An ice pack is a great strategy - why don't you grab one."

For the school struggle I might say "Learning something new really makes our brain work. Sometimes my brain works better when it has a snack and does a wiggle dance. Want to see if that works for your brain?"

Then in times when she is not in crisis mode, I say "Gosh, we've been so busy with Mo we haven't had time to play a game. How about you pick a game while I get him settled for some crate time?"

I'm trying to be more in tune to see her needs and meet them without her feeling like she has to be loud to be heard.

Mama Warriors, your pain is important and valid just as it is. You are worthy of being heard.

Sometimes I think we do the opposite of our children.

While they get louder and make their struggle more than it is, we tend to say it's all "fine."

If it's not fine, it's not fine.

Practice this week giving voice to your needs.

You are worthy of being heard.