Hide in Your Car

 "A peacemaker seeks to transform the world by applying the teachings of God." (Matthew 5:9)

On many Thursday mornings, I spend about 45 minutes by myself while Peanut is in a co-op class. Typically I sit outside. Which means that I'm never really alone. People walk their kids to/from classes. There is foot traffic here and there - and well, I'm friendly.

When we arrived at co-op today, it was too wet and cold for me to sit in my chair outside.

So I sat in my car.

Alone.

I scrolled my messages. Made a note to delete stuff off my phone at some point due that little storage warning that keeps popping up.

I finished the book I brought. I ugly cried.

And then I still had time.

I tried to remember the last time I was by myself.

I drove myself to the dentist a few weeks ago - does that count?

I couldn't remember the last time I was really alone.

What does one do when they are really alone?

Last night we participated in Ash Wednesday service virtually.

It was obviously not the same.

I was aggravated last night by my people acting like.....themselves.

I realized after I stepped away that I like to go to worship by myself. I like to disconnect from all that I carry and just be open to what He has in store for me.

The last time I stood solo in worship was a year ago.

To do that, I have to take off ALL the hats. The wife hat. The Mom hat. The chef hat. The chauffer hat. All the hats.

I have to show up as just a child of God.

Palms up ready to receive.

It was challenging to focus on the sermon with one groaning, one getting up and down, and another wiggling. With our home making you know, 20 year old home noises.

It was hard for me to change my posture when my scenery was the same.

I realized as I was sitting in car alone today that I am struggling with being new while living in my old.

I am struggling with laying it all down when I'm literally always carrying something.

As I sit typing, I can hear the video game going on and the lively conversation in my living room. I am acutely aware of the teen who will be driving at any moment. The timer runs for the dinner I'm in the midst of cooking. The planner lays open beside me showing what needs to be done and with blank space where I jot down the "oh I forgot" things as they come to me.

I mentioned at dinner the other night that Lent is my favorite church season of the calendar year.

Because Lent is the journey to the cross.

It's a chance for, every single year, to make space for space.

To pause my scenery, to really lay it all down, to repent.

A chance to change my own posture toward my scenery.

Mama Warriors, I don't think the big idea of Lent is denominational.

Lent is taking time to prepare your heart for Easter.

For this year, I've chosen to focus on peace. Searching for peace. Being a peacemaker.

Changing my posture to one of peace without changing my scenery.

Maybe you need to hide in your car for a bit too.

Stay just past the comfort level. You know, at first you clean out your purse. Then you scroll your phone. Then you look at the window.

Linger past that.

The minutes past that, when you've moved from tasks to being, that's where your struggle is.

Take time over this next 40ish days and make space for Jesus.

Make space for YOU.

Go ahead, hide in your car.

Finding Your Wow or This

 "I am writing because sometimes we are closer to the truth in our vulnerability than in our safe certainties."....."This is also part of why we are praying."

Yesterday I watched a sermon on time management.

The preacher said "Time is measured in minutes but a LIFE is measured in moments. "

He talked about how we often say we have been alive followed by the number of years since our birth.

But can we really count all those moments as LIVING?

He told a story of a young man who remembers a field trip to the Empire State building at a time when it was the tallest building. He recalls stepping off the elevator and looking out at the vastness - drawing a deep breath - and thinking "Wow!" In that moment, he felt really alive.

Our life is made of "Wow" moments. Moments that literally take our breath away.

We pondered this at dinner last night and decided life is also made of "This" moments. Those moments that give you utter peace. Moments you know you are where you are supposed to be and everything seems clear.

We shared some of our "Wow" and "This" moments.

I was surprised at the choices all 3 children shared. I challenge you to ask this at your dinner table. It's enlightening.

Aside from the obvious options of the days I gave birth to each of the children, I found it challenging to list "Wow" moments. Moments where I can recall being overcome with emotion. Moments where I felt truly alive.

"This" moments came a little easier for me.

The moment on 4/1/2001 where I stood in the lobby of the chapel. Wedding gown on. Hand in my stepfather's hand.

He looked at me and said "We don't have to do this. It's not too late. We can go out these doors. We can go grab a beer. " He even went as far as to open the exterior doors, possibly throwing the wedding planner for a scare.

I looked at both sets of doors and knew, with "This" peace that walking down the aisle was the path for me. Totally peace.

Last week I handed a small group of middle schoolers a circle and told the story of a radius and diameter. The great circumference. "This" moment for me. Total peace with standing in. With sharing my gifts.

This morning Peanut had a bad dream. Crawled into bed with me at some too dark hour. As I pulled her footed pj body toward me, I smelled that back of the neck smell that kids somehow outgrow, and thought "This." Being her peace IS my peace.

The preacher in this message mentioned that having good time management is being a good STEWARD.

We won't find our "Wow" or our "This" if we don't learn to be responsible with our time.

Mama Warriors, I think we are destined to have both the "Wow" and the "This" moments.

I think we have to seek them.

Make space for them.

Intentional Living.

If you'd like to share, I'd love to hear your "Wow" or "This."

Hard Stories

 "Listen to ideas that make you think hard — not just opinions that make you feel good."

I've been working on this book for a few days.

Have you ever had a book's story really bother you?

I'm going to confess. I haven't slept well since I started reading this book. In the night I am dreaming of the awful scenes in the book.

But now, I'm attached to Lavinia. I have to know what happens to her. So I keep reading.

Some stories are like that.

They are hard to read but you know you must.

Both because I've become attached to some of the characters, but also because I think hard stories have something to teach us.

This book challenges me to think about some of those challenging conversations - of race, gender and class. Of where we come from. And ponder how far have we come? Where are we going?

I listened to a podcast last week that challenged me to think about what I allow into my heart.

I've noticed since reading this book, since allowing this content in, I've changed what pours out.

We have to be cautious what we allow to alter our soul.

Mama Warriors, this afternoon I'm going to brew a cup of tea and finish this book.

Though I think Lavinia's story will haunt me a bit.

My heart will continue to hurt a bit for the fiction story based on a mix of historical truths.

There are things about our past I will never quite understand.

But I do know that unless I grapple with them, ask the hard questions, and wrestle with how we move forward, we won't be a changed people.

Let us learn from hard stories.

Let's read them anyway.

*For my reader friends - this takes place during slavery in the south - some reviews criticize that it's "too much" and in some ways I might agree, but it is a slight twist on other things I've read from this time period *

Long Bill

 "It is much easier to act like a Christian than it is to REACT like one. BUT it's our reactions that reveal what's really in our hearts."

Yesterday Peanut and I participated in the Great Backyard Bird Count for the first time.

We downloaded an app that would look at a picture of a bird we took and help us identify it.

Other than the Northern Cardinal, I could not identify any bird by name before yesterday.

With the rain and fog, and the status of my desperately needing to be replaced windows, getting good pictures was very difficult.

It seems that many birds look like other birds. And within a type of bird, there are multiple specific names.

As I was trying to figure out if I had a Downy or Hairy Woodpecker on my front porch, I realized that it's the subtle things that differentiate between birds.

It's the subtle things that give them their names.

In the case of those two woodpeckers, the difference is the length of it's bill. Otherwise, they are identical.

I realized that I spent the first 40 years of my life trying to hide that which makes me different.

Trying not to let my long bill stand out.

I think it's normal to want to fit in. To be liked. To be accepted.

The thing is I rarely fit in.

I'm in the percentage folks that you couldn't pay money to do high school again. I did not find my people in high school.

I did not find my people in the years I spent teaching full time. Found some really wonderful people. But not my people.

There's nothing to make you feel like you've been transported back to high school like the years you spend as a mom of a preschooler. In fact, it may be on the top five list of the reasons why Peanut never went to preschool. I could not be a preschooler's mother again.

Oddly it wasn't until I quit pretending to have it all together, that I finally met my people. Or perhaps that I finally felt deeply connected to my people.

When I said "I have a long bill. It's who I am."

Time and time again, I find it's when I bare my broken that I find myself the most accepted.

Perhaps if I had not spent the first 40 years pretending to have a short bill, the walk would have gone differently.

Mama Warriors, it's your subtle differences (or maybe not so subtle differences) that make you uniquely you.

It's what your people SHOULD love the most about you.

We don't love people in despite of their differences.

We authentically love people because of their differences.

Stick your long bill out.

Your people will be the people who love you for it.

Divine Disruption

 "Ask your challenges - What have you come to teach me? "

Today I had the privilege of subbing in a small math class.

I *may* have worn my dorky math valentine's t-shirt with pride.

During the last 5 minutes of class, I put up a few review problems from the day's lessons and asked the students to practice.

One of my students heard "last 5 minutes" and went ahead and packed up.

Put their books, notes, and pencil away.

Prepared to leave.

Did not do the review.

The thing is - the review was the opportunity to put their new skills into practice. An opportunity to take home some completed problems to use as a guide.

An opportunity to APPLY what they've learned.

As I was sharing this on my drive home today (and reminding my own children that we work until the TEACHER says the class is over, not the clock), I was thinking about this idea of giving up before you've had a chance to reap the benefits of what you have learned.

Sometimes the teacher lets you quit and you just miss the opportunity to apply what you've learned.

But other times, the teacher says "Um, nope. This isn't how my class goes."

I wonder how often we abort the mission just before the opportunity to apply what we've learned?

How often do we pack up before the teacher is done?

Mama Warriors, this morning I listened to a sermon about Moses and the burning bush.

God answers not the question Moses asks but the question he SHOULD have asked.

Moses asks "Who am I?"

God answers "I will be with you."

That's all we need to know - God is with us and for us.

The teacher is teaching bell to bell.

We may be packing up before the lesson is over.

And thus missing the opportunity to apply what we've learned, to reap the rewards of knowledge.

Leave your paper and pencil out.

A preacher calls this upheaval in our country a "divine disruption" - and challenged that until we GET the lesson the teacher is teaching, we can expect the instruction to continue.

Ask this challenge- what are you teaching me?

Noise

 "I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the rock of ages." Charles Spurgeon

Our dishwasher is an older model (and a generous hand me down). It's loud. Very loud.

This morning I was running the dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen, and the house was a little more noisy than normal.

Peanut said "I can't focus. There are too many distractions."

So off she went to get her headphones.

Those headphones are not plugged into anything. She wears them when the world is too loud.

When she needs less stimulation.

I'm super proud of her for knowing her limits and utilizing strategies to work through challenges.

She put those headphones on and finished her school work.

She didn't ask the world to quit making noise.

She quieted the world.

Each time I open a social media app today, I've been thinking of that truth.

I can't ask the world to quit making noise.

Evil is loud.

Information, and misinformation, abound online.

BUT I can quiet the world.

I can put boundaries on how much noise I let into my day.

I can limit my intake.

Mama Warriors, we can't quiet the world.

For us or for our kids.

But we can teach them to set boundaries and model limiting the noise.

We can choose how much of the noise of the world we let in.

I heard this month that spiritual warfare starts between your ears.

Let's guard what we allow to fill our mind.

You can't make the world quit making noise.

But you can control how much of it you hear.