Journey Well

 "Advent is also a realization of our daily, ongoing preparation - the work of inviting the Holy Spirit into our lives and making room for Christ to do a good work in us. We lean into the reality that though we are saved from death because of the cross, we are still a work in progress. Advent is for everyone."

In October of 2000 we bought our first home. Two kids in their 20s. We moved into this house from a 2 bedroom apartment in Roswell that might have been as big as our living room.

We had entire rooms with no furniture in them.

We didn't have enough dishes to fill the kitchen cabinets.

Fast forward to yesterday, when we've grown from 2 to 5. When our cabinets are overflowing (despite the countless decluttering challenges I participate in). We have more people than bedrooms. We are living in 110% of our home (at least). We have more stuff than space.

This week Xman shared with me that as the seasons have flipped (maybe) he can't find his long sleeve stuff to wear.

In our super small bedrooms, it's hard to store two seasons of clothing. However, GA weather refuses to decide if it's going to be summer or winter, so he still needs his t-shirts and shorts. But now also needs sweatpants and long sleeve clothing.

I put on my Next Right Thing podcast yesterday and went sat in his room. Brainstorming how to reconfigure the room that once comfortably held a crib, but now is bursting with a full size bed and big man sized shoes.

I shifted some things around, found a wire organizer in the garage, and created a way to house all his long sleeve things in a way in which he could find them.

As I walked this morning, I pondered Advent and what I want to glean from this season of waiting in Hope.

I want to be a person who LISTENS well.

I want to be a person who SUPPORTS fully.

I want to be a person who GIVES generously.

I want to hear you say "It's important to me to be able to find my sweatshirts and I can't figure out how to do that."

I want to show up in that mess and ponder a solution.

I want to give of my time to help solve the problem.

It's not about organizing the winter wear, it's about recognizing what's important to someone else and showing up for that.

My love language is Acts of Service.

Not because I can't unload the dishwasher or clean out my own car or run my own errands.

But because when someone else does one of those things for me, I feel SEEN.

You acknowledge that I hate pumping gas. I can't remember which side of the car the gas cap is on. The cheapest gas is not a gas station I pass. You SEE that it means a lot to me, and you do it.

You walk past the kitchen sink full of dishes. You stop. You solve the problem. I walk past the sink and I feel seen. You see that it takes a lot to run a house. You participate.

Mama Warriors, as we open the season of advent today, I encourage you to ponder and pray about what you want this season of waiting in HOPE to look like.

As the glue and maker of all the magic, I know I have to CHOOSE to look for joy and ways to fill my well.

I want to arrive at Christmas morning feeling like I journeyed there well.

I encourage us to be travelers who listen well, support fully and give generously.

Asterisk Life

 "We need no wings to go in search of Him, but have only to look upon Him present within us." St Teresa of Avila

About six months ago, SD's truck began to sound with the very familiar "secondary air injection system" issue. Essentially a very expensive, non essential (but affects drivability) issue that we've had MANY times before.

We did research. Again. And finally found a "Toyota specialist" familiar with the problem.

We had to order parts and then wait for a good time to get the truck to him (an hour from our home).

Monday was the magic day.

When SD left the shop, the magic lights all were off, the truck drove fine.

Tuesday morning the truck had all the magic lights back. And now isn't drivable.

When he called the specialist back we heard the familiar "Hmm...that's never happened before." He offered to research.

We now have a new guess as to how to fix the problem. One of those "only in some cases" do you need this extra part, which of course doubles the cost of the repair. And again we wait on parts and try to figure out how to get a truck stuck in limp mode an hour from the house. A second time.

A friend lovingly said yesterday that our house is where the asterisk lives.

You know that "results may vary" spot?

The long list of possible side effects that is rare?

Yep. That's us.

Last month we had a plumber come out not once, not twice, but three times for a bathroom leak. On the third time he said "This is going to sound crazy, but I think this is the problem. I've never seen that before."

That's us. The "I've never seen that before."

After every test the doctors could think of, no one could figure out why I was losing weight and malnourished. Not one. "I've never seen that before" became the refrain.

I'm going to confess, I'm WAY ready to drop the asterisk from our life.

I don't want varied results. Odd side effects. The never seen before.

I want vehicles to work when you repair them. I want plumbers to identify problems and repair them with confidence. I want a body that digests food and keeps it.

I want average results in life.

I was reminded this morning as I walked my exuberant dog (while others walked their average dog) that I'm not promised a life without asterisks.

Its in the asterisks where I'm challenged to trust and grow.

Not two of my favorite things.

Mama Warriors, maybe you, too, live an asterisks life. It seems we only see those with the regular results.

Not a lot of posts about for those for whom results may vary.

Maybe you planted all the right seeds, loved deep, and your kid still made challenging choices.

Maybe you say all the prayers, read all the books, and your faith is still wavering.

Maybe we are called to live INTO the asterisks.

I'm reminded that we survived a few weeks with one working bathroom. I was sustained for years while doctors tried to figure out the cause of my asterisk. So, we will navigate being down one car, we will trust provision for the extra expense of the repair at the costliest time of year, and we will live into the asterisk.

Results may vary is guaranteed.

Hard Things

 "I remain compelled by Jesus. Not as history meant to reveal what happened long ago, but as poetry meant to illuminate a revolutionary idea powerful enough to heal and free humanity now."

About four weeks ago I woke up one morning in intense pain. I somehow had aggravated my sciatic nerve.

Now for those of you who aren't old enough to injure yourself in your sleep, your sciatic nerve runs from your neck, down your back, into your hip, down your leg and into the foot. It's a big deal.

I have inflamed mine in my lower back - thus causing pain from that point all the way into my foot. If I had to guess, it's some combination of 45 years of bad posture combined with the 15 steps up/down into my mother's house and me helping her with her chores.

I've done all the things. Heat. Ice. Stretches. Exercises. Anti-inflammatories.

What I've learned in the last month is that I now have to do those things CONSISTENTLY.

If I skip those exercises for one day, the next day I'm back to being extremely uncomfortable.

One day. That's all it takes.

So - at least once, but usually 3 times a day, this picture is me in my living room.

I'm currently so out of shape that I can not hold my leg out in the various positions so my sweet Peanut has helped me figure out how to move my leg to the different positions and still keep it straight.

Yes, it's as crazy as it looks.

Here's what I have learned. When you are in pain, it's hard to do the stretches and exercises your body needs because you are not used to them. There's no muscle memory for them. No previous skills to build on.

If you did them all along, then when pain came - you'd be ready. You'd be trained. You'd have the strength and flexibility to work through it.

Would it stop occasional issues from arising?

No.

Would you be in better physical condition to weather them?

I'd venture yes.

Since I've spent a lot time laying on my floor, looking up our builder grade ceiling fan that someone should clean, I've been thinking about how often my physical struggles parallel my spiritual struggles.

When I begin to feel ungrounded and far from Him, it's hard to dig in. It's hard to establish the habits that I know feed my soul.

Whereas during the times of my life where I've been grounded and connected, when challenging times come, I'm ready.

It doesn't make them easier to navigate.

BUT it makes them doable because I am able to find perspective in the midst of chaos.

Mama Warriors, I call this the season of crazy. From Halloween until school starts back in January.

We are making some hard calls this year. We are upsetting some folks. We are creating new opportunities to celebrate that will look different (and I'm not taking commentary on that) .

All of that is going to take spiritual resolve.

So I'm digging in NOW. I'm soaking in sermons. I'm devouring books. I'm journaling my thoughts. I'm praying. I'm asking those close to me to pray for specific things.

I'm doing the stretches NOW so that when the injury comes, and it will, I will be ready.

Will it still be hard?

Absolutely. Setting boundaries. Sticking to your convictions. It's supposed to be hard.

But if I can authentically feel grounded, I can do hard things.

You can do hard things.

November 2020 Originally Published

Play Your Own Music

 "A plant isn't a flower but a weed only by function of its place."

As we've been visiting churches, I've realized one common denominator in many is the worship section of the service.

I often feel like I'm attending a concert.

Even with words on a screen, it's hard to sing along because the performers change the tempo, add a run not on the screen, or by the time I figure out the tune the song is over.

Now don't get me wrong - I'm one of those crazy folks that does like to worship through music (just don't sit near me because I was not blessed with being able to carry a tune). I take my shoes off in church and raise both hands.

However, most weeks I feel like I'm WATCHING someone worship.

Not worshipping.

I wonder some times if we are aiming to entertain or aiming for participation?

Seems like the song choices are different for each of those goals.

As I stepped out this week to use the restroom during the worship portion, I could hear the song into the lobby, into the restroom.

I realized some weeks I just don't like the songs.

Then I realized it's not the church's job to sing songs I like.

It's not their job to engage me in worship.

It's MY job to engage in worship.

Maybe that worship won't happen during the song portion of the service. Heck, it may not even happen during some sermons.

Maybe it happens on my morning walk with a spiritual podcast. Maybe it happens around my dining room table while Peanut reads me her devotion. Maybe it happens during an engaging conversation with one of my big kids.

It's MY job to gift myself opportunities to worship.

If I want to hear hymns to sing along to, there are a multitude of places to find those.

Mama Warriors, it's so easy to shift into a "me, me, me" mindset - wondering why the church is not providing what inspires us. What engages us.

I challenge it's OUR job to seek inspiration. Chose to engage.

Play our own music.

Remind Me

 "Expectations are a disease, like a silent killer heaping her burdens on the shoulders of a relationship until the soul bursts a pulmonary and dies. Expectations kill relationships - especially with God."

Peanut is growing up in this weird spot between having siblings and being an only child.

She doesn't have siblings to play with like the big two had in each other growing up.

Her days are spent intertwined in conversations about dating, safe driving, good versus evil, goals and more.

But she has these moments where they sweep her into their lives and interests. She knows when Taylor Swift releases new albums at midnight. She can discuss MacBeth with the best of them.

These two are 9 years apart. They've struggled with finding their way in their relationship.

You see, Peanut remembers Xman being "little" and her playmate.

At some point as she grew up, so did he.

And now his idea of a good time is no longer the "who can push who off the couch" silly game they invented.

Each morning when I scroll my timehop, I tag Xman in every picture of the two of them.

To remind him that they have a history that looks different than their relationship now.

Even if he can't remember, I can. And I can remind him.

I can remind him of the seeds he planted.

I was thinking this morning how nice it would be if we all did that for each other.

Reminded each other.

Sometimes I question where God and I stand these days. Wonder where He's at during some nights.

I appreciate those friends who remind me.

Of the seeds He planted. Of the times He has shown up before.

Mama Warriors, lets be those people who remind each other.

Sometimes more than a casual "I'll pray for you" our people need to hear - "I know God will show up for you. Here's all the ways I remember Him showing up before. "

Even if you are too overwhelmed to remember, I'll remind you.

Spiritual Truth

 "Anxiety is not a sin; it is an emotion........We have been taught the Christian life is a life of peace, and when we don't have peace, we assume the problem lies within us. Not only do we feel anxious, but we also feel guilty about our anxiety!"

If you've been following along, we have had a spiral of car issues. I'm currently car shopping. So, this week I am driving Xman's "new to him" car. Yesterday I got us loaded up to take him to school, dropped him off, and reached to check my phone before heading home and realized I left my phone at home.

I had a small panic attack. What if something happened while I was out? How would the kids reach me? How would I reach someone?

As I was walking myself through my 3 senses centering activity (roll the window down, feel the air, take a deep cleansing breath, look up and out), I reminded myself - I somehow learned to drive WAY before cell phones.

I made countless trips from Stone Mountain to Carrollton. Down I-20. Often solo. No phone. And a very poor understanding of 285.

On at least two occasions my 1988 Dodge Omni broke down on either I-20, 285 or HWY 78. Never near an exit.

For those of you who haven't driven a clunker in the years before cell phones - you pull your car safely off the side of the interstate.

Then you begin to think - Is it closer to walk to the last exit or the next one? You HOPE you paid attention to your surroundings. You get out of the car and you begin to walk. With your change for the payphone when you get where you are going. And back then you knew people's phone numbers AND you prayed someone was home to answer.

In those moments, when I was walking alongside a major interstate or highway, I was never having a panic attack about not having a phone.

Because the truth of the time was that in an emergency, you kept moving.

Somehow I think the technology of today has trained us that in an emergency, you sit and panic.

You call/text/message others. You social media post. You google.

I think we've lost the ability to TRUST because we have too many other options.

In 1993 if you broke down, you were alone and you, alone, had only Jesus and yourself to rely on.

As I sat in the Xman's super cool new to him car yesterday, I reminded myself all I REALLY need is Jesus and me.

I said a prayer for protection, peace and confidence and drove home.

I thought on that drive home how many examples of not trusting I could list throughout an ordinary day.

How many times I google before I pray.

How many times I message and worry/complain before I pray.

How many times I let the emotion of anxiety become a prison rather than presence.

Mama Warriors, I'm searching for words lately as my interactions with so many seem to be so tense. I'm watching the mass departure from facebook as people want "truth."

I think as a people, as a nation, we are searching for the wrong truths here lately.

We are looking to the wrong sources for truth.

We are looking for worldly truth rather than spiritual truth.

Not that worldly truth isn't needed BUT is it needed at the expense of spiritual truth?

I think we could all use to be stranded on the side of I-285, unsure of what direction it's going (does anyone REALLY understand N, S, E and W with that one? ) and have to rely on Jesus and ourselves.

I think we'd fare okay.

Maybe even better than okay.

Maybe then we'd remember that we were created to be fully devoted followers of Christ.

Not a color or party.

We were created to be the Church, not a divided people.

We were created in the image of Him.

We were made for more than this.

Fire

 "When you look at a house burning down, the most obvious manifestation is the huge smoke billowing out. It would be easy then to think the smoke is the problem, and if you deal with the smoke you've solved it. The fire department understands you treat the piece you don't see - the flames inside, not the smoke billowing out. What if our problems aren't the fire but the smoke?"

Two weeks ago yesterday I woke up unable to walk. Sharp pains from my lower back into my hip down my leg all the way to my foot. Excruciating.

For a few days I treated my leg. I did all the googling. I asked the facebook experts and I did it. I iced, I did heat, I took anti inflammatory medications, I rested, I stretched, I tried to walk.

On day 3 I was MUCH worse.

As I laid awake all night I selfishly prayed for the smoke. Please make the smoke go away.

I was reminded the smoke is a side effect of the fire. I had to fix the fire.

This is the third time in the last 8 years where I've known that my plate was too full, there was too much going on for ME but I've trucked along because none of it felt optional.

This is the third time in 8 years that I have become bed ridden until I learned my lesson, and some time past that.

A sweet friend asked me what I thought was really going on and I confessed "I don't do stressed well. "

I don't carry a full plate well. I don't process external stresses well. And I may be a bit of a control freak.

So I began to ask for help.

I remembered I know how to say "No."

One of the many hard things I had to accept was the Princess had to drive again. Neither of my kids had driven much, and definitely not without Sweet Daddy in the car, since the accident. At first the Princess was processing, but long after she was ready- I was not.

As I began to stop praying about the smoke, and begin to pray about the fire, I was reminded that many times His timing is not my timing.

I will never be ready for the kids to drive again. The accident was hard and scary. It had very large both emotional and financial consequences for our family. On my timing I'll never be ready.

However, since I could barely walk it no longer became optional but necessary for her to drive again. The lack of working cars made Xman buying , and now driving (still with a learners) , a car became necessary.

Surrendering to change became necessary.

Treating the fire became necessary.

Mama Warriors all too often I think we don't treat the fire, or even acknowledge it exists until we can't see through the smoke.

I challenge you to become tuned in to noticing the fire before the smoke.

Maybe your challenge isn't an overfilled schedule, but maybe you need to learn to ask for help? Maybe you need to acknowledge you aren't grounded in Him? Maybe that behavior your child is exhibiting is a sign of something larger you need to address?

We've become a people that accept insomnia, headaches, gastro issues, the range of health things as the fire.

What if they are the smoke?