Code of Conduct

"What if we let ourselves feel it all? What if we decided that it is strength - not weakness- to let other people's pain pierce us? What if we stopped our lives and the world for things worth stopping for? " 

Xman takes classes at two different co-ops. For those of you not in the homeschooling world, a co-op is just a place where homeschoolers take classes, typically a la carte. They vary widely in purpose and what they offer. Each one is its own entity with its own policies and procedures. 

Each of the ones he attends has a Code of Conduct. Both places require a student and parent signature. Confirmation we are all on the same page as to what to expect. The code of conduct covers everything from dress code, to behavior expectations to parent and student responsibilities. 

I always spend time going over these with Xman. Particularly highlighting anything I think he may find .....let's say unpleasant. 

We talk about how once we sign this paper, we are saying "Yes." Yes I will abide by these policies and procedures regardless of what I think of them. 

I'll be honest some of the hardest conversations I have had with my big kids have been over semantics and specifics of these code of conduct papers. 

For example, yes I will wear this specific polo each week whether I like it or not. Whether I want to or not. 

I explain to him that I will never be a parent who complains about a consequence if he was fully aware of what is expected of him. I signed the code of conduct. He signed the code of conduct. 

In exchange for accepting these rules, he gets a good education, spends time with friends and enjoys a variety of other high school experiences such as lunch, social gatherings, etc. 

Life is about making choices. He could choose not sign the code of conduct and by doing so he would then be choosing not to attend this place. This place gets to make its own rules. If we sign it and enter, we agree to their rules. 

It's really that simple. 

I was thinking this morning how there are many times in life that we also as adults "sign a code of conduct." 

Sometimes it's as simple as "If I want to shop in the Aldi, I'm going to wear a mask, a shirt and shoes." If I don't want to do these things, then I don't shop at the Aldi. I don't get to decide what their rules are. 

We've become a society that wants Aldi to change their policies to what WE want.  We want the rules to be different for us. We want to argue whether the rules should exist. 

It's not our job to decide what Aldi's rules are. 

It's our job to either accept them or shop elsewhere. 

But once we enter, we've signed the code of conduct. We don't get to have a big tantrum about what the rules are and disrupt their place of business. We've said "yes."

I think the Code of Conduct we've most forgotten is the one we signed when we were baptized. 

Most people focus on the cleansing of the sins. On the gift of grace. Important for sure. 

But you also said something like "I believe in Jesus Christ as the son of God and accept him as my savior." 

That's your code of conduct. You just said you believe and accept. 

You signed saying your behavior would be CHANGED to become more like His. 

Because if you believe, your actions will reflect that belief. 

I feel like we are often people who are walking around without wearing our polo and then act mad that we are supposed to. We agreed to. We knew we were supposed to. We blatantly didn't wear it. 

We know we are called to love ALL His people. 

We are not loving ALL his people. 

If someone calls us on it, the problem is with the code of conduct, not us. 

The problem is whether that should be in the code of conduct, not that it is and we are blatantly not following it. 

Mama Warriors, we have to raise kids who wear the polo. We have to raise kids who when they give their word that they will abide by something, that they do. We've got to raise the bar. And when they don't, we have to let them bear the consequences of that. 

And as people, we've got remember we signed our own code of conduct. We CHOSE to be followers of Jesus and that means we chose to go into the world and become fishers of men. 

.We've got to change our bait. 

We should be fishing for souls with kindness and love. People should look at us and say "man she loves her people well - I want to live my life like that."

As we all gear up for another week, let us all write a little code of conduct for ourselves. Get yourself a post it note and jot down what you desire to live up to this week. One simple goal. Put it somewhere where you will see it all. 

My post it note for this week says "People first. "

In all situations, my desire this week is to put people first. People above politics. People above convenience. People above pride. 

People first. 

This week I'm going to stop for the things worth stopping for. 

People first.

Stand Out

"Our boys are born with great potential for nurturing, caring, loving and serving. Let's stop training it out of them."

Yesterday was the first day of co-op classes for the Xman. He had classes at two different locations, with two different co-ops. We had long discussions about new procedures at both before leaving home. 

We discussed masks. In co-op A, they were "highly encouraged" but not required at all. In co-op B, they were mandatory in transitions or if teachers requested but optional during class otherwise if social distancing was able to occur. We discussed how not only does it make it safer for him, BUT it also makes it safer for others. 

He got out of my van with his mask on at both places. 

In co-op A he wore it  into class, no one else wore it, and he took it off. 

At co-op B he wore it into class, the majority of people were continuing to wear theirs, and he wore it the whole class. 

Teenagers are very much pack animals. Go with the crowd (as a whole). 

If we are honest with ourselves, adults aren't much different. 

It's hard to stand out. To go against the crowd. 

To be true to who YOU are regardless of what everyone else is doing. 

I feel like we've been fighting against the grain most of his life. As a toddler he loved to play dress up. He put on his sister's dresses, clumped around in her high heel shoes, and even wore a tiara from time to time. I fought family who thought that would affect his sexuality in some way. I'm not sure how Snow White shoes change who God made a kid to be, but that's a soapbox for another day. I let him try out all kinds of pretend play. He also liked to be a cowboy, an astronaut, a baseball player. He liked putting on all the different hats and pretending. How will our boys learn who they are if we give them gender roles at the age of 2? One of Sweet Daddy's best characteristics is the man can clean a bathroom and run  a washing machine. I'm just saying. 

In kindergarten I went in for a conference because a kid made fun of him for wearing a pink shirt. Made him cry. Called him ugly things. Kids don't naturally think there are boy colors or girl colors so I"ll spare you my soapbox on ignorant parenting. His very cool uncle (married to his aunt) wore a pink shirt for Easter and he wanted one too. Somehow I'm the parent that got called in. How will our boys learn who they are if we give them stereotypical boundaries? 

On a trip to the cabbage patch factory we bought him a doll because he asked for one. He lovingly changed him and slept with him for weeks. "Boys don't play with dolls" I was told after posting a picture of him with his new doll. How will our boys learn to be nurturing dads if we stop the imaginative  play that nurtures that part of their soul? 

There was the baseball coach who told a very young sad player that boys don't cry. How will our boys learn to navigate their emotions if we never let them have them? I hope there are many times in life he lets himself cry. Moments of great joy. Moments of extreme sadness. 

It's no wonder that our society is having a hard time raising good men. 

I'm trying to define a "good man" differently than it has been done. 

I desire our Xman to be kind, nurturing, empathetic, loving AND strong. I don't think those things are opposites but rather companions. 

And to be those things in today's world, he's going to have to be willing to go against the pack. 

To be different when everyone else is the same. 

And I understand how challenging what I am asking of him is. 

I need him to wear the mask when no one else does because HE has already decided that is what is best for everyone. 

I need him to be able to hold strong to his own convictions in a society that operates with quicksand values. 

I need him to look inward when he makes decisions, not around. 

Mama Warriors, most of MY parenting struggles are because I desire to change the heart and not the behavior. 

I hope the behavior will follow but ultimately it's the heart I want changed. 

Often times that means that I have hard conversations. 

Other times it means that I have to let the natural consequences of choices take their place. 

I desire for our children to love God and love His people. 

And that's often going to require wearing the mask when no one else does. 

It's going to require being different. Standing out. 

It's going to require wearing the pink shirt because you like it. Or rocking a sweet newborn because you are excited to be somebody's dad or uncle. Or doing the job God called you to do regardless of what hat it calls you to wear. 

When I struggle with anything in parenting, I try to start with asking myself - what about this bothers ME? What does it stir in me? 

While I no longer struggle as much with needing to fit in (welcome to your 40s where I seriously don't care much about what other people think - it's fabulous!) , I do still struggle with not wanting to swim against the current in our own little pool. I don't want to have the hard conversations about how different my heart is than those that are often the closest to us. 

I don't want to wear the mask in a room where no one thinks they are needed. 

I firmly believe that's what the New Testament calls us to do. 

Serve the people who no one else wants to serve. Love the people who no one else wants to love. Stop judging the people that everyone else is judging. 

Be willing to be different. 

Stand out.

I Choose Us Jack

 "I know we could both go on with our lives and we'd both be fine, but I've seen what we could be like together. And I choose us." The Family Man

Recently we had some bonus kids stay with us for a few weeks.

One morning (well, their morning - so like noonish) - as they sat and ate breakfast, one of them asked me how SD and I met.

As I told a story our own kids know well (as do most of you), I realized it does read like some kind of Hallmark movie.

They "oohed" and "awwwed" at all the right places.

I think in all good marriages there are times when things go well.

And then in all good marriages, there are times when you aren't sure you'll make it.

In our home, it seems to come in cycles.

Over the last month, we've endured a lot of change.

As we talked through SD choosing this new job, I felt very much like Kate in my all time favorite Christmas movie. Family Man.

Toward the end of the movie, the main character Jack is presented with a decision that will change things for his family. Kate is not sure. But she says to him,

" If you need this, Jack, if you really need this........ I'll do that because I love you. I love you, and that's more important to me ....... I choose us."

Over the last month as I've navigated new hours, new benefits, new, new, new........I keep repeating "I choose us."

That's what marriage is right?

It's saying "I choose us" over and over and over again.

It's waking up each day reminding ourselves that it's not about me or him - it's about us. And I choose us.

It's saying "I love you and that's more important than......"

As Peanut and I read our devotion reads this morning, I made a note in my journal "I choose us."

It serves as a good reminder to me that my relationship with Jesus is just that.........a relationship.

There are times when it goes well.

And there are times, if I'm honest, when I'm not sure we'll make it.

Mama Warriors, its possible things are about to be hectic for you.

ALL the things are starting back up.

The calendar's white space is shrinking by the day.

Maybe you need to make a note "I choose us."

To remind yourself that the most important thing to you are relationships.

Maybe think about what that looks like day to day.

How do we say "I choose us" to our partner?

How do we say "I choose us" to Jesus?

How do we honor that Jesus says to us "I've seen what we could be like together?"

Let go of the Shoes

"Wonder is the beginning of wisdom." Socrates

I bought this pair of tennis shoes more than 8 years ago at this point. It's the most I have ever spent on a pair of shoes for myself. Ever. 

I went to one of those places where they had you try on different shoes, run in place, walk. Some shoe expert then told me what kind of shoes would best fit my feet and my walk. I put them on and she sent me out to the parking lot to do a lap in them before committing to buying them. 

I loved them. 

I've worn them to the point where there are multiples holes. Including that one coming up from the toe. 

For a season, they were perfect for me. 

They are no longer the most comfortable shoes, but yet I continue to wear them. 

They were expensive. I invested in them. 

I've noticed this is a common theme in my life. 

I hold onto things that used to work well for me, but no longer do. 

I have trouble with change. Letting go. Starting new. I have trouble admitting I NEED something different. 

I've had to slowly embrace that just because something has always been doesn't necessarily mean its best for now. 

Up until last week, I used to try really hard to clean the kitchen before I went to bed. 

Peanut and I lay down early together and wind down an hour or so before she goes to bed. We watch a show, we parallel read, we snuggle. 

All of my people have frequently not eaten dinner by the time Peanut and I are ready for snuggle time. 

Or, my people did eat dinner and somehow still manage to dirty up ten dishes between bedtime and my morning. 

So each morning, I was waking either feeling guilty that I didn't get things cleaned before bed. Or feeling angry that I sacrificed my snuggle time and there is still a mess. 

I decided this weekend that it really doesn't bother me to wake to a dirty kitchen (I know, all you Fly Lady clean folks are freaking out - no one tell my mom). I was up at 5:45 yesterday morning. I cleaned the kitchen in the quiet hours. I put on a sermon. I made tea. I made a plan for dinner. By the time Peanut got up, I had finished most of the chores I wanted to tackle and was ready to begin my school day. I was also grounded as I fed my soul while doing so. 

Changing a routine to something that works best for ME seems so obvious but then it involves embracing that I might do things differently than you. 

That what works me, in this season, is different than what works for you. 

Mama Warriors, we are all making changes right now. Figuring out what works best for us, for our kids, for our people, for NOW in this season. 

Just because you've always done something this way, doesn't mean it's the best way for YOU in this season. 

I think there's great value in self reflection. What is working? What is not working? 

Over these last few months, I've noticed there are MANY changes I need to make for ME. 

Maybe you have noticed that your home needs changes as well. 

I think the beginning of wisdom is when we begin to wonder - what could my life look like? 

Be willing to tune into your gut and make the choices that are best for YOU in this season. 

Know that others may judge you for your dirty kitchen while you sleep, but that's okay. My dirty kitchen doesn't affect you. 

We could replace dirty kitchen with any number of things these days - digital learning, in person learning, mask wearing, which lives matter statements, the role of the police, and more. 

Others may judge and we have to reach a place where we don't place value on external judgement but rather internal peace. 

If something isn't working for YOU, then it's not working.

Less Comments, More Coffee

 “We want to go to God for answers, but sometimes what we get is God’s presence.”

― Nadia Bolz-Weber, Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner & Saint

While our new church is different in a lot of ways than the churches I grew up in, I find the presence of hymnals in the back of the pew oddly comforting.

A taste of home.

For regardless how bittersweet our relationship might be with home, it's still where we come from. It's the familiar.

As I opened the hymnal yesterday, I noticed the title of the section of hymns.

"The Christian Life"

I had to chuckle.

For you see, just that morning before church my social media feed was full of debate on what was and was not "Christian."

Saddening to me was the fact that the debate itself was not something I would label Christian.

In no way would I say being hateful or judgmental, being ugly or unkind to others, or putting up walls between people is "Christian."

I don't think we'd say Jesus excluded others. Or cared about political parties. Or talked before he listened.

I encourage my own people to go into any conversation with two main phrases.

Tell me more.

Consider this.

Always "tell me more" first. If your gut reaction is to go on the defense, or attack something someone just said. The response is "tell me more."

And then listen.

The problem I find with myself, and definitely my own children, is while I am trying to explain my viewpoint - they are formulating their defense in their minds. Which means they aren't really listening.

Think: am I building a bridge or assembling a wall?

And then, if you want to share your opinion, it's "Consider this."

If we want someone else to give our stance an honest chance at being heard - we must always listen first. And then present our side in a loving "consider this" view.

Build bridges.

Look for common ground.

Make space for different opinions.

Mama Warriors, I find we are all gung ho about America on the big holidays. Sporting our "Freedom" tshirts.

The thing is with that freedom comes the right to be different.

That should be COMFORTING to us.

We are each allowed to live into our own fearfully and wonderfully made journey.

These next few months are going to feel long and maybe you need to set some boundaries to walk gracefully through that.

I encourage you to comment less and get coffee together more.

Pulling that hymnal out of the pew this week reminded me of a time when in order for someone to know my opinion on something - they had to do life with me.

See me at church or Walmart.

Have facial expressions and tone, and reference for my thoughts.

Know my heart.

And thus if we had differences, that was okay. We could have a sporting conversation and still go through the pot luck together.

Technology has allowed us to take context out of conversations.

To make everything a monologue...........

A monologue you are judged on.

Less confrontational comments and posts.

More coffee.

I think that's how we successfully navigate not just an election year but any year.

Reframing Sweet Tea

 “What we know matters but who we are matters more.”

― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Today is the last day of summer for us.

This morning my brain swirled with all the "to do's." There are lesson plans to write for my own kid and for other people's kids. There are chores that have been neglected in favor of enjoying our house guests. There are new budgets to create. An inbox full of emails.

All the things.

This rush that it all needs to be this elusive "done" by Monday morning.

I dropped Peanut off at camp and came down to CFA to eat breakfast with my points and try to tackle the list.

I sat down with my sweet tea and I've managed to accomplish nothing.

Nothing.

Then comes the rush of guilt - I'm "wasting" this last morning of camp. I'm down to 1.5 hours until I have to pick her up. I have an errand to run, so really 1 hour.

I realized I was holding my breath and too frazzled to get anything done.

So this morning I sit.

I sit and do nothing because I've learned to read my body cues.

I've learned to lean into gifting myself grace and space.

This past month has been a whirlwind. I've felt overwhelmed with the uncertainty.

SD's new job is a blessing for him. But it's a change. He's no longer super close to our house. His two weeks of vacation time to spend with us disappeared. There's a new county to learn, a new way of doing things to process.

The wee one starts middle school Monday. I've pulled technology and am trying to figure out what the healthiest balance for our home looks like in practice.

We've had amazing house guests. The first to fly out happens today and we are sad. We will miss him dearly. And it's a signal that soon the others will fly out as well. Change is coming.

This morning I gift myself space to just sit in the mess.

I'm working on learning to reframe all the things.

Peanut and I worked on reframing our house guest leaving this morning as she cried "I don't want him to go. I'll miss him."

We talked about how he came for 3 weeks this time. His longest visit. How we were gifted time to go bowling, for him to see her in a play, to do puzzles, play games, to draw and to sit. How blessed we are to love him so much that we will miss him.

Reframing recognizes the feeling but makes space for looking at a situation in a new light.

As I sit with my tea this morning, I'm working through reframing each of my challenges or concerns. Making space for the feelings, but then naming what feels like too much and why. Then shedding new light on the situation.

Mama Warriors, as many of us shift into back to school mode, I encourage you to work with your kids, and yourself, on reframing.

Instead of dismissing kids fears or concerns with a "It'll be okay" - let's make space for them.

"You're nervous about a new teacher and a new class. It's okay to be nervous. When things are different, we can sometimes let worry overtake us. Let's think about what might be. Your new teacher might be really nice. You know what it feels like to be nervous so you can help someone else who is nervous. You were nervous on the first day of art camp but you found someone else who liked the same things as you do."

Gift yourself to space to reframe.

I think you'll find as you exercise that muscle, that finding the balance between recognizing the feeling and naming the positive in a new light will become easier.

Perhaps always easier with a CFA sweet tea.

Constructing Faith

 "Part of being human is being tempted to try to solve problems rather than sit with them."

Confession.

I look at Peanut sometimes and I'm jealous of how her faith has been constructed by her.

When Peanut was 4 she was very upset about the story of Noah and the ark in the Bible. It wasn't a fun story of animals going 2 by 2 for her. She was deeply saddened that she wanted to believe in a God who could kill all of His people. What kind of God was that?

I told her the truth. I don't know.

We made space for questioning, wrestling, big questions. And that set the tone for the faith journey we'd walk on parallel.

There's a lot of controversy about the movement to "deconstruct" your faith.

I find it concerning that many religious churches want you to not ask questions, wrestle with the big issues or challenge the way it's always been done.

You must not be "faithful" if you don't know all the things for sure.

I would assert that many of us aren't really deconstructing anything but rather constructing something for the first time. We are just now thinking about ALL the things we've been taught and wondering - what is truth?

I would assert that many of you, like me, were raised in a denomination where the man (key gender there) stood up front and told you what to think. What was "right." And you nodded and assumed that the interpretation of scripture by this ONE person was the only way.

I've slowly been evaluating all the things I was taught. Constructing my own faith.

I don't think Jesus would have a problem with that.

This past week I was cleaning out the homeschool room (a never ending chore) and came across our "motto" for the first few years of homeschooling.

"Let your light shine so others may see the good that you do and glorify your father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

My interpretation of that verse at the time was very much some 1980s VBS version.

Be the change.

Don't let the world change you.

You = good.

World = bad.

Last week Peanut had the opportunity to volunteer at an outreach camp program at our church.

Each day I noticed how serving others changed her.

I want Peanut to be changed by the world.

I want spending a week serving those who are racially, culturally, ethnically, economically, religiously, etc. diverse - I want her to be changed by that.

I want her heart to soften by those experiences.

I don't want her thinking she's some light in the darkness.

I want her to find the light in others.

I want her to notice that new kids love bracelet making too. I want her to recognize when someone's having a hard day. I want her to teach a group the church clap because someone taught her.

I want her to be changed by the world.

I want her to seek the voices in our community that aren't the loudest.

I want her to listen.

Mama Warriors, I know we all love our kids fiercely in this big Mama bear protective way.

We want them to be light but we only expose to them to rooms full of sunshine.

Are the spaces our kids are growing up in gifting them room to grow?

Are they spaces that allow for the questioning, the wrestling, the push back that is a sign of a healthy adolescent?

Are we encouraging them to be changed by the need they see in the world?

Are we making space for our kids to teach someone new the church clap or are they only hanging out with those who already know it?