"The spiritual life is never just a forward climb. It is more of a plunging breathlessly under the waters and being rescued again and again."
We got off to a rocky start around here today.
I started my day task orientated. I wanted to get this list of things done before heading out to co-op and being out most of the day.
Peanut woke being fully 7 years old.
We battled through her morning work, while I cleaned the kitchen, made her breakfast, tackled the new obnoxious laundry routine (until the new washer arrives). All the while I kept getting frustrated with her that she was.........being 7 years old.
The final straw came when we attempted to tackle subtraction. I showed her how to do the problem, provided an example, gave oral directions and then asked her to try. She insisted I was doing it wrong.
Me. With two math degrees in education. Was doing 2nd grade subtraction WRONG.
I listened to her explain how she wanted to do the problem.
Then I AGAIN showed her how to do the problem. I realized that rather than LISTEN to me and WATCH me, she was mentally formulating her argument against me while I was talking.
We both ended up in a time out.
Which may have been the first smart thing I did this morning.
As I was standing in the shower, I began to pray for patience. Or empathy. For opportunities to love the clay in front of her, to show her how I love to teach math.
During this prayer time under glorious hot water (thank you new hot water heater), I remembered that I'm having a personal crisis about prayer this week.
Should I be praying these long lists of things?
I diligently and specifically prayed for my dear friend for a solid 42 days. I never faltered. I prayed every time I thought of her - day time, night time, all the times. I prayed for specific medical improvements. I prayed for a miracle. Hundreds of people prayed.
God was not swayed by my prayers. By our prayers.
His will was decided. She was no longer ours.
If we can't sway God, then why are we praying?
A question I've been pondering this week.
I think God wants to me to be intimately close to Him. We grow closer to someone when we are vulnerable. When we are open about our brokenness.
When we share what's on our heart.
While I like a good Friends in Low places, I have to take issue with Garth on the idea of "unanswered prayers."
I don't think there are unanswered prayers.
I think sometimes no answer is an answer.
It's a not now.
Sometimes the answer is one we don't like. One we prayed against. One we are not ready to accept.
I stood in my time out shower this morning and realized I was praying for something that was already inside me.
Inside me is the ability to RESPOND to Peanut in a loving manner.
Inside me is a the ability to be patient and remember Peanut is merely 7 years old, acting like a 7 year old (we aren't thinking about how she's almost 8 just yet).
Mama Warriors, if Jesus can cry out "My God, my God, Why have you forsaken me?" - I think God knows there will be times that we will ask hard questions. That we will struggle with praying.
There's hope in knowing that God can hold our lament. There's space for that.
I keep looking at my empty coffee mug thinking about waiting for Easter.
Living in the winter of suffering.
Waiting for the warmess of spring.
Between suffering and the warmess though is Good Friday.
A space to recognize how we are broken. How we break others.
A space to find what He has already placed inside us.
A space for prayer.
No comments:
Post a Comment