Asking

 "We aren't responsible for the healing (or whatever seemingly impossible thing we are asking for); we are only responsible for the ASKING."

It's officially "Glitter day" (aka Happy Father's Day).

It's not lost on me that this year it falls on the LONGEST day of the year. I'm just saying. That never happens on glue day.

By 8 AM this morning, Peanut and I had made a pound cake (for the base of strawberry shortcakes later), dough for home made pizzas for lunch, and home made blueberry pancakes and bacon for a big breakfast. The glitter was still in bed. Did I mention we went to two separate farms this week and hand picked those blueberries and strawberries?

We go BIG on glitter day. The cards are made, the gifts are wrapped.

I saw one of those memes this week that challenged you to think of the phrase your dad is most known for.

I hope my kids think of his dad jokes (it's "nacho cheese"). Or his air guitar singing. Or maybe that he insists they be people of their word. Mostly I hope they think of how he laughed, how he played, how he loved them.

The phrase I remember my dad saying the most, and honestly the only one I can think of is "I'm not paying to air condition the whole GD neighborhood."

My dad worked nights and slept days. So the phrase I remember my mother saying the most was "Shh..don't wake your father."

Essentially until my mother packed us up and left in the middle of the night, I remember that we spent a lot of time tip toeing around my father. We didn't tell him much. We didn't wake him.

A year or so after the divorce my dad took us to the beach. He'd never traveled with us,and honestly had not even visited us that much. But off we went. We came back miserable with sun poisoning. Turned out he didn't know a whole lot about having kids. Like that you have to put sunscreen on them.

When the Princess was born I felt tugged to try to include him in our life. A life he had never chosen to be a part of.

As an adult, I decided I could rise. I could be the forgiver.

It was rocky and ultimately I could not maintain the conditional relationship he required. I wouldn't have people close to my children that taught them anything other than full blown unconditional love.

I received news that my dad had been given a terminal diagnosis. Not long to live. I immediately sat and wrote him a long letter. I searched for all the positive things I could say about my childhood with him. I told him only the good. And I said we'd love to see him.

No word from him.

A few months later, my sister called to tell me he was dying. And that if I wanted to say goodbye, I had to get in the car then.

I grabbed my keys, unshowered and all, and I went. I cried the whole way there. For what was lost. For what would never be.

He was unable to speak by the time I arrived, but I said goodbye.

It wasn't lost on me that even in the end, our relationship was very one sided.

My mother remarried in my teen years and he very much is an unconditional loving father. I married fantastically. Sweet Daddy is everything to our kids that I would wish for. And he came with my father in law who continues to amaze me with his devotion to loving us well.

I still wake up on Father's Day thinking I don't remember a moment where my father enjoyed fathering me.

He did at times in a very 1980's responsible dad way for sure.

But not with an overflowing joy.

It took me a LONG time to realize I wasn't responsible for healing that relationship.

I was only responsible for the forgiving and the asking.

Relationships are tough on a good day.

And just because someone is related to you, it doesn't make it an automatic comfy fit. In my experience, I'd argue it makes it harder. You didn't choose these people.

Mama Warriors, I share all that this morning to say, maybe Father's Day is hard for you.

Maybe you wake up missing an earthly father who did thoroughly enjoy you. You are sad to be without him.

Maybe you wake up with an earthly farther in which the relationship is strained.

Maybe you wake up without the father you wanted for your own children.

Whatever your situation is this morning, I promise you that you wake up with a heavenly father who does enjoy you. Who does value you. Who does want to unconditionally love you.

So do your kids.

You are worthy of being enjoyed, valued and unconditionally loved.

You are not responsible for the healing.

You are only responsible for the asking.

(Published June 2020)