Carry

 Mo Trouble loves to "help" Mama. Every single time I open this dishwasher, he climbs right on up to "help" me.

The thing is.......we've owned A LOT of dishwashers over the years. And the counter where you mount it has not fared well with so many installations. So our current hand me down dishwasher is not anchored in.

When Mo Trouble climbs onto the door, the weight causes the entire dishwasher to fall forward.

The dishwasher is not designed to hold his weight.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm designed to carry.

And how that varies from what others can carry well.

While there are many aspects of the holidays I truly enjoy, the juggling of family expectations is not one of them.

When I limit us, or set boundaries, to what I can carry well, I inevitably feel guilty.

Guilty that we've disappointed someone else.

This week I listened to a short podcast about guilt that really spoke to me.

About what IS guilt and what is NOT.

Guilt is when we feel like we have done something that does not align with our own core values.

True guilt is when I raise my voice at one of my children or say something that I didn't mean in the heat of a moment. My heart for parenting does include yelling or ugly comments. I feel true guilt then.

That guilt is useful. That helps me change my actions. That guilt keeps me authentic to who I want to be.

The thing that I feel the most often though this podcaster says is NOT guilt.

When I set a boundary with someone else, or say we can't do/attend/be at something, THEY feel disappointed.

I take on their disappointment and call it guilt.

I have acted in accordance to who I am.

The podcaster suggested we learn to give that feeling back to the other person.

Then, and only then, can we can be an empathetic listener.

"I'm sorry you're disappointed we can't make it to x/y/z. I know it would be nice if everyone could show up at the same time at the same place. When you're ready, let's chat about a time we can gather and celebrate together."

When we give that feeling back to the person who it really belongs to, we are free to be supportive and empathetic.

I've been thinking about how often this scenario applies to me.

I tell Peanut we can't stay and play with a friend after class. I give valid reasons why not, but she's still upset. So then I take on her feeling and carry it as guilt.

What if instead, I gave that feeling back to Peanut?

Now instead of being defensive and explaining all my reasons and eventually ending frustrated with how upset she is, and being guilty myself.............I can step into her disappointment.

"Gosh.....it would have been really fun to play with your friend. I know you're disappointed. It's hard to not be in control of the schedule."

I don't need to defend or explain. I simply need to make sure the feeling is felt by the OWNER. Which is not me.

If I wasn't carrying all the other people's feelings, I could stay better anchored.

When I start taking on feelings that aren't mine, and feeling responsible for them, then much like my dishwasher, I begin to bend and fall and the pressure.

Mama Warriors, maybe you, like me, enter this holiday season struggling to hold boundaries.

I encourage us both to remember that being authentic to who we are is the most important thing.

Decisions made in alignment with our beliefs are not ones we should carry guilt over.

Letting others carry their own emotions gives us room to put down the defensive guilt posture and just be supportive.

Only carrying our own emotions gifts us space to enjoy the holidays.