Lasts

 "Sometimes the movement of grace looks like letting other people go first."

Halloween is my favorite of the fall holidays. In 2000, we moved into this, our first house, in October. That first Halloween I made chili and we excitedly tripped over the boxes waiting to be unpacked as we handed out candy to trick or treaters. Us. Home owners. Someone let two kids buy a house. We felt like we were playing house for sure.

In 2001, I found I was pregnant on Halloween. I bought one of those "Boo - we're pregnant" scary cards. But we didn't know enough to be afraid. We were giddy with excitement. We ate the chili. We handed out the candy.

In 2002 we began spending our Halloween evenings trick or treating. First with one. Then with two. Then with three.

Halloween is the fall holiday that isn't tangled in trying to mesh two large families. It seems while people care where we eat Thanksgiving dinner or what day we open Christmas gifts where, no one tries to claim the trick or treating.

Halloween has always been uniquely ours.

There are pumpkins to be carved, chili to be cooked, trick or treating, Charlie Brown The Great Pumpkin watching and candy sorting.

As my time hop yesterday morning reminded me, our Halloweens have ebbed and flowed with ages and stages over the years.

Yesterday Peanut looked at me and said "Mama you should dress up too" with those big brown doe eyes.

I never dress up. Maybe it's the math major in me, or the hidden introvert tendencies, but I do not enjoy dressing up.

There were 2 hours until trick or treating and surely this was NOT the time to be creating a costume or navigating new territory.

But then I remembered she's nearly as tall as me now. She says things like "obvi" instead of obvious and there is an occasional eye roll. She won't hold my hand walking into the school building - "Mom I've got this" she says.

Firsts are so easy to enjoy. Whether it's spontaneous or planned, you know when it's a first. The first word. The first step. The first laugh.

We often don't know when it's the last.

The last Christmas someone believes in Santa. The last Halloween they trick or treat. The last time they climb into your lap during the scary movie. The last time they grab your hand crossing the street.

The lasts pop up. Often with no warning. Sometimes gradually unnoticed.

I looked at those eyes and wondered, is this the last year she will want to trick or treat? Is this this last year she'll want ME to dress up and go with her? Is this the last year she'll think halloween movies and crafts are the best thing ever?

Into the dress up trunk I went and discovered we own "mouse ears" and hoped that was enough.

Her eyes lit up "Mama I can't believe you're dressed up too!"

Somehow for Halloween we became two, who became 3, and quickly then 4, then slowly then 5, and abruptly then three.

SD, Peanut and I (and Mo) headed out to trick or treat last night. We all 3 dressed up (and Mo). We went to all the houses (kudos to my neighbors who really showed up this year). We ate the chili under blankets. We watched The Great Pumpkin.

One of us prayed this wasn't the last, but knows she soaked it up if it was.

Maybe because I've spent my morning looking at poems about death with the Xman, or maybe because my time hop is filled with pictures of my big two at ages I barely remember, but I'm feely sentimentally sappy today.

Mama Warriors, what if thought of each of the smalls as potential lasts?

Would we respond differently?

Would we say yes more?

Would we lean in better?

Would we be where are feet are?

Would we find the mouse ears?

There will always be firsts.............and lasts. Savoring all the regular in betweens is where the joy lies.