unfriend

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."

I've been avoiding writing this one for nearly a month now. I have found that when something is laid upon my heart, not writing about it doesn't make it not exist. 

It just makes it something that I don't wrestle or process or learn from. It becomes something instead that sows a seed of anger or resentment. Or something that just nags at me. 

On the Xman's sixteenth birthday, I wrote what I felt was a thoughtful and loving happy birthday post and included a few pictures of him over the years. 

Within seconds of it posting, he was standing in front of me having a toddler size tantrum about my post. 

Apparently someone might see a picture of him as a cute five year old and do what exactly? Or someone might know his mother loves him and do what exactly? 

I realized that I had for weeks been tempering what I wrote and posted because I knew he would comment. Not just on things that had anything to do with him (because I was careful to not write about him or post pictures of him), but on the smallest of things he became overly critical. 

He walked away after not having a very mature or civilized conversation with me and I decided in that moment that I had allowed his behavior to change my actions. 

So I unfriended and blocked him. 

Yep - the child I gave birth to can longer read my ramblings or share this space with me. 

Honestly - there are very few people related to me that can see these posts (thus the reason they are not public and have to be copied and pasted to share). 

Over time I have had the same struggle with others related to me where I have been criticized and chastised for what I choose to write about or share on MY social media page. Where you also have the choice to either follow or not. 

If I'm honest with myself, the judgement of my choices and conversations around them have always been present. I parent differently than I was parented. I hold a faith that in action looks different than I was raised. I've grown and changed. 

Boundaries are a very hard but very necessary part of life. 

I think we have the hardest time setting boundaries with the people closest to us. 

We are willing to give up the most for those in our inner most circles. 

I think a lot of times we consider this to be part of the sacrifice we are called to live into. 

I challenge it is not. 

We are called to give of ourselves in terms of our time, our gifts, our finances, our talents, our things, our love. 

We are not called to become different people simple to be loved by those close to us. 

I think women struggle with this intimately. 

We think allowing our authenticity to be changed is part of sacrificial love. 

We become lovable by others rather than insisting those around us accept us as worthy and enough as we are. 

When we don't set boundaries, we change the essence of who we are to meet other's needs.

People who authentically love us should not ask us to become different people in order to be worthy of their love. Or like. Or affection. Or time. 

People who love us should not make us feel unworthy, unloved or not enough. 

And if they do - it's because we've allowed it. 

That's a tough truth for me to swallow today. 

Mama Warriors, we teach people how to treat us - we've all heard that. 

Changing who you are to love those around you is not sacrificial love. 

Sacrificial love is pouring out from your authentic self. Giving of your gifts, your talents, your finances, your things, your love. Gifting others pieces of who you are. 

A new common phrase for me is "I don't deserve to be treated this way. I won't be present for this."

It's still hard for me to say. 

I think we have the hardest time setting boundaries with those closest to us but I think they are the most important boundaries we will ever set. 

Have the courage to love yourself. 

I hope over time the people with whom I've set hard boundaries with will come to appreciate both the boundaries and the person setting them. 

But if not, that's okay too. 

Because I am worthy of them. 

And you are too.