Black and White

 “Aristotle was especially aware of the importance of this benevolent form of self-love, when he wrote, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of man’s feelings for himself.”54”

― Roman Krznaric, Empathy: Why It Matters, and How to Get It

Most days I put on my shoes and Father Mike and I go for a walk. While I put one foot in front of another, Father Mike reads me a chunk of the Bible and then explains it to me.

I listened to day 61 today and this is probably the most consistent habit I've developed.

I was thinking today about what has made this a habit for me, while MANY other "good for me" things that I have tried I have not stuck.

Father Mike begins every podcast episode thanking me for coming. He's EXCITED to "see me." In the middle of every podcast, he prays over ME. At the end of every podcast, he reminds me that God loves me. He reminds me that he prays for me. He asks me to pray for him, and thanks me in advance.

There's good stuff in between those key pieces, reading of scripture, explaining of scripture - but it's honestly Father Mike's praying over me out loud AND reminding me that he's praying for me every day as a listener. That God's word will saturate my heart.

That I'll be changed by what I hear. Every word feels authentic and heartfelt.

He admits when he struggles with scripture. He shares that new habits are hard. He sits with the hard pieces and ponders.

When he speaks to me, he LIFTS me up.

Through words, through scripture, through prayer.

There are days that Father Mike speaks kinder to me than anyone else. Raising strong willed children isn't for the faint of heart.

This weekend Peanut and I were having breakfast and she asked me how my sleep was.

I said to Peanut "I had a hard time sleeping. I'm not a good sleeper."

To which she quickly responded, "Mommy that is not true. That is black and white thinking."

Peanut and I had just learned about black and white thinking this week. "Black and white thinking is an unhelpful thought. It means you think things are all bad or all good, with nothing in the middle. Black and white thinking can lead to thinking about mistakes and failures as signs that a person isn't ever going to succeed."

Ouch.

I had assigned myself a quality that was unchanging.

So together we challenged my black and white thought "I'm not a good sleeper."

We decided that :

"I need routines in order to get a good night's sleep."

"A good night's sleep for me might be different than a good night sleep for someone else."

"For now, being up super late makes it hard for me to fall asleep. "

We spoke truth that allowed for a growth mindset.

As Father Mike was praying over me this morning, I realized that I keep coming back to this podcast because it grows me.

He reframes the black and white version of things I've read before. He makes space for gray and encourages me to sit there.

He reminds me that just because I missed one day does not make me a "bible in a year" failure.

He helps me challenge that thought by reminding me that I've now done 61 days. It takes 30 days on average to commit something to a habit. So I've just double downed.

Mama Warriors, I think we are the hardest on ourselves with our black and white thinking.

Yesterday I took a hat and sunscreen to a picnic lunch date and then FORGOT to use either. Peanut came home sunburnt and in pain.

I felt AWUL.

I must be the worst mother - who packs all that stuff and then doesn't use it?

Black and white thinking.

I was so PRESENT in our time - with her, with friends - that I forgot to use our sun protection stuff.

I learned from that - I put sunscreen on her the moment I dressed her this morning, complete with hat.

I did make sure she ate, drank plenty of fluids, and was kind to friends.

I'm not an awful mother, just one that has room to grow.

Maybe you can reframe your thoughts as well.

Maybe you have room to grow too.

Yes Day

 "In all your activity, don't lose sight of the relationship." (paraphased Jesus by Bill Hybels)

Last week Peanut and I spent the morning at the park. As we were packing up to leave, we decided to pick up a pizza and head to Nana's for a movie day.

We chose to watch "Yes Day." (on Netflix for those interested)

I had listened to Jennifer Gardner on a podcast talk about her experience with filming the movie. It's a true story, based on a tradition she's had with her kids since they were very young.

One day a year, she says "Yes" all day. There are a few ground rules, and a few traditions (such as ending the day sleeping in a tent in the backyard), but the general approach to the day is "Yes" when at all possible.

Yes to dressing silly. Yes to ice cream for breakfast. Yes to making slime. Yes to it all.

Peanut got so excited as we watched this movie - "Mommy, can we have a yes day?"

I sort of giggled because from my perspective (and that of her two older siblings), Peanut has been raised in a Yes Day house.

Over the years, I've worked on only saying "No" if it's necessary.

I have some hindsight perspective now that there will be so many necessary no's. I'm saving those for things like driving a car, and not wasting them on painting yourself pink.

In the beginning of the movie, the mom (played by Jennifer Gardner) is remembering who she was before she had children :

"I invented fun, I used to be the fun-est person I knew!

Some people gravitate towards no. Some people naturally lean towards yes.I said yes to everything. "

And then the children came......

"No become the new yes…No is part of the job…It’s called parenting."

While Peanut was dreaming of her Yes Day filled with trips to Build a Bear and sleepovers, I was remembering that I also used to be fun.

I used to be the funnest person I know.

Not one of my children would recognize that girl.

I probably wouldn't either at this point.

The girl who could be convinced to swim anywhere even though she can't swim. The girl who danced in Huddle Houses, even when others objected. The girl who attended classes barefoot and free. The girl who dragged her then boyfriend across 3 state lines on accident and had the best time. The girl who slept in motels where the door opened to the parking lot because the funds never equaled her love to adventure.

My world was a big "yes" and then came parenting.

With thing one and thing two, I moved from the solely yes camp to the maybe camp.

There were things to consider - like naptimes and bedtimes, these horrible sleepers I birth, these people who ate 10 times a day, the tendency of said people to have total meltdowns if you didn't keep the napping/bedtime/meals consistent.

At some point between trying to keep them alive and safe and educated and churched and and and........I forgot it was supposed to be fun.

I forgot I was fun.

Parenting made me Martha, and I very much wanted to be Mary.

Parenting has been a huge learning curve for me. I feel like I spent a large chunk of it in the kitchen preparing the meal, and only recently discovered I could sit on the floor and linger with the people.

"Few things are needed - only one."

Connection.

Mama Warriors, I feel like we are often saying a lot of "yes's" but not to the best things.

We are wasting our yes's on things we aren't called to. Or things that keep us busy, distracted.

In order to be Mary parents, we have to create margin - so we have to say no to some things.

But we need to become people that have a heart for yes for the people we love.

We need to remember we are fun.

One Team

 "It is one of the beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday night I had the privledge of watching Xman play two games. In the second game, he moved from his position at first to the pitching mound.

We were down a good bit when he took the mound, and no matter how old he gets, I always hold my breath when he pitches.

This team we played were what I call a noisy dugout.

Anytime the pitcher pitched, they were making noise.

Xman had a full count on the batter and there they went hollering "Ball Four" over and over they yelled. You should picture it in a sing songy playground taunt sound.

I will confess to feeling a tad bit of "take that" when the last pitch was a strike.

I got to thinking at the end of this game, the team we played were very good. They had a pitcher who could throw, they came bats swiming, and they were good in the field. It was a competitive game.

But you see, they spent half the game trying to make us make mistakes. Trying to ruffle our pitchers into throwing balls.

It probably makes me old fashioned, or sports illiterate, but if you can't win a game based on your own skill alone, you don't win.

I don't care what the score board says at the end of the game.

If you have to rely on the other team making mistakes to win, is that really a true win? Did you win on your own merit? Or because you made so much noise our pitchers had trouble tuning you out?

Apparently this is a baseball thing because we've played multiple teams this year that rather than encouraging thier own batter to hit the ball, they yell at the pitcher to not pitch well.

We're a fairly young baseball program and we sometimes play teams that are playing at a higher level than we are. I love that our coach has encouraged our boys to take on this challenge. We become better by facing better competition.

We've learned that when we do our best, we can hang with teams that maybe we considered out of our league before.

I'm not sure what we teach kids when we say "encourage someone else to not do well so that you can do well."

I never want my kids to put someone else down just so they can win.

Mama Warriors, I think we have to teach our kids that we rise the best when we encourage others.

We have to rely on our own batting skills.

Better, let's encourage the pitcher to throw a good pitch so we can show off our bat skills.

Let's remember that we are all one team.

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Fly

 "Weeps never learned to fly at all. I tried to teach him how by throwing him off the garage roof, but he wouldn't try. He would just shut his eyes, give a hopeless kind of moan, and fall like a rock without even hoping his wings. Weeps didn't believe he could fly, and that was that." (Owls in the Family)

Peanut read aloud to me this morning while I made us breakfast.

We've been reading this fiction book based on a true story. It's about a little boy who ends up with two owls as pets. Wol and Weeps.

He takes both in as young owls, before they've learned to fly.

He decides to take over for the Mother Owl and teach them to fly.

It takes some time but Wol eventually learns to fly.

Weeps won't try. The author says "Weeps didn't believe he could fly and that was that."

The only difference between Wol and Weeps was what they thought about themselves.

They recieved the same instruction.

The same opportunities.

One thought he could fly, and he did.

One didn't, and he can't.

I've been thinking about Wol and Weeps today.

How at some point over the last decade, I, who always was a Wol, became a Weep.

I could provide you with a long list of reasons why but then I would be expending more energy on the problem than the solution.

Peanut and I are studying catastrophic thinking this month. Catastrophic thinking is when you think the worst thing will happen as your default. It's commonly seem in children who are perfectionist (as is my Peanut) - if the particular piece of artwork isn't "perfect" then she spirals into "she's not good," "she'll never be an artist," "she needs to do something else as a grown up," etc.

When you have catastrophic thoughts, it's suggested that you STOP and fact check. Peanut and I have been talking about how yes, bad things can and do happen. It is possible she may not grow up to be an artist. But it's more likely something in between "perfect" and "worst case scenario" will happen. Maybe she'll grow up and be a vet and draw/paint in her spare time because she loves it and it won't have to be perfect for that.

Maybe this particular drawing didn't turn out the way she envinsioned it, but did she have a good time drawing it? Was she enjoying the process before she started making judgements on the outcome?

We challenge the unhealthy thought.

We name the emotion we feel. I feel frustrated because this new drawing is challenging.

Then we balance the unhealthy thoughts with healthy thoughts. We set a timer and work on an activity until it goes off rather than until it is "perfect." We list 2 truths about the experience such as "I had a good time drawing" and "I like I how I used new colors together."

Essentially I'm trying to gift Peanut the skills to be Wol.

To know she can fly.

Because the ONLY person that can truly stop Peanut from flying is Peanut.

Funny thing as I've been working through these emotional/mental health lessons with Peanut, I'm recognizing a lot of catastrophic thinking in myself.

I'm teaching myself to name the emotion and balance the unhealthy thoughts with healthy thoughts.

Mama Warriors, research says we have to support our kids by praising effort and skills and not the outcome. We have to teach them grit - the ability to stick with something even if it's challenging. We have to instill character. We can't bail them out. They have to learn to problem solve. But mostly, they have to learn to believe in themselves.

With our Xman, it's not whether his team won the game, but rather was he a team player? Did show up for all the practices? Did he take direction, was he coachable? Does he think he did his best?

With our Princess, it's not grades, but rather did she do her best in the class? Did she advocate for herself, ask for help if needed? Did she manage her time well? Does she think she did all she could?

With our Peanut, it's not how the activity went but her attitude and character. Did she have a joyful spirit? Did she try something new?

To raise kids who fly we have to raise kids who think they can.

To raise kids who fly they have to know they are loved because of WHO they are and not what they do (or don't do).

To raise kids who fly we have to model flying.

Drink the Coffee

 "You discover that everything helps you learn who you are and that is why we are here. ........If you want to have loving feelings, do loving things."

"Mommy first you drink the coffee, then you do the things!"

It's funny how much they absorb, and how quickly.

I didn't drink coffee the first 7.75 years of her life. She's 8.

I realized this week that, yet again, it's time to give up coffee. I gave it up for Lent and I learned something about myself.

I'm quick to attach to routines and comfort.

I also am quick to think I "need" something I don't.

I can go from enjoying something to requiring it very quickly.

I don't want my 8 year old to think I "need" coffee to do the things.

I haven't drank an alcoholic beverage in about 10 years.

And in the 9 years before that, I can probably count on one hand the number of drinks I drank in a year.

With the exception of this one month where I learned that Target sold wine in juice boxes. I may have resembled one of those Mom memes for a month or so there.

Alcolholism has a genetic link. I"m a math girl, and the numbers are between 40 - 60% higher risk if you are genetically predisposed.

I know that I'm drawn to routines and comfort.

I know that I'm quick to attach to thinking I "need" something I don't need.

I know genetics are not on my side.

Knowing that does nothing, if I don't USE that information.

Knowing that does nothing, if it doesn't AFFECT or INFLUENCE the choices I make.

This is the conversation I have with my kids.

Genetics are a thing. I can't change it and they, unfortunately, between two sides, got a large dose.

They have to make decisions WITH that information.

They don't have the same risks as other kids, they have a far greater risk of developing an addiction.

I think we are often quick to judge each other without knowing what information the other person is making decisions with.

Let's make space for each other and accept that there are unknowns to us.

It reminds me of that church saying where we expect unsaved people to act......saved.

Not everyone has the same information we do.

So what are we doing with what we know?

Is knowing Jesus INFLUENCING the decisions we make?

Is knowing Jesus AFFECTING our choices?

Mama Warriors, I don't know what each of you are carrying. I don't know what influences and affects the decisions you make.

But I hope I create in our relationships a safe place for you to make those decisions without judgement.

I hope we see reflections of Jesus led decisions in each other.

I hope we see evidence of love.