Fly

 "Weeps never learned to fly at all. I tried to teach him how by throwing him off the garage roof, but he wouldn't try. He would just shut his eyes, give a hopeless kind of moan, and fall like a rock without even hoping his wings. Weeps didn't believe he could fly, and that was that." (Owls in the Family)

Peanut read aloud to me this morning while I made us breakfast.

We've been reading this fiction book based on a true story. It's about a little boy who ends up with two owls as pets. Wol and Weeps.

He takes both in as young owls, before they've learned to fly.

He decides to take over for the Mother Owl and teach them to fly.

It takes some time but Wol eventually learns to fly.

Weeps won't try. The author says "Weeps didn't believe he could fly and that was that."

The only difference between Wol and Weeps was what they thought about themselves.

They recieved the same instruction.

The same opportunities.

One thought he could fly, and he did.

One didn't, and he can't.

I've been thinking about Wol and Weeps today.

How at some point over the last decade, I, who always was a Wol, became a Weep.

I could provide you with a long list of reasons why but then I would be expending more energy on the problem than the solution.

Peanut and I are studying catastrophic thinking this month. Catastrophic thinking is when you think the worst thing will happen as your default. It's commonly seem in children who are perfectionist (as is my Peanut) - if the particular piece of artwork isn't "perfect" then she spirals into "she's not good," "she'll never be an artist," "she needs to do something else as a grown up," etc.

When you have catastrophic thoughts, it's suggested that you STOP and fact check. Peanut and I have been talking about how yes, bad things can and do happen. It is possible she may not grow up to be an artist. But it's more likely something in between "perfect" and "worst case scenario" will happen. Maybe she'll grow up and be a vet and draw/paint in her spare time because she loves it and it won't have to be perfect for that.

Maybe this particular drawing didn't turn out the way she envinsioned it, but did she have a good time drawing it? Was she enjoying the process before she started making judgements on the outcome?

We challenge the unhealthy thought.

We name the emotion we feel. I feel frustrated because this new drawing is challenging.

Then we balance the unhealthy thoughts with healthy thoughts. We set a timer and work on an activity until it goes off rather than until it is "perfect." We list 2 truths about the experience such as "I had a good time drawing" and "I like I how I used new colors together."

Essentially I'm trying to gift Peanut the skills to be Wol.

To know she can fly.

Because the ONLY person that can truly stop Peanut from flying is Peanut.

Funny thing as I've been working through these emotional/mental health lessons with Peanut, I'm recognizing a lot of catastrophic thinking in myself.

I'm teaching myself to name the emotion and balance the unhealthy thoughts with healthy thoughts.

Mama Warriors, research says we have to support our kids by praising effort and skills and not the outcome. We have to teach them grit - the ability to stick with something even if it's challenging. We have to instill character. We can't bail them out. They have to learn to problem solve. But mostly, they have to learn to believe in themselves.

With our Xman, it's not whether his team won the game, but rather was he a team player? Did show up for all the practices? Did he take direction, was he coachable? Does he think he did his best?

With our Princess, it's not grades, but rather did she do her best in the class? Did she advocate for herself, ask for help if needed? Did she manage her time well? Does she think she did all she could?

With our Peanut, it's not how the activity went but her attitude and character. Did she have a joyful spirit? Did she try something new?

To raise kids who fly we have to raise kids who think they can.

To raise kids who fly they have to know they are loved because of WHO they are and not what they do (or don't do).

To raise kids who fly we have to model flying.