Unselfie

 "Self absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands." Daniel Goleman

This morning I was outside gathering our trash cans and taking care of a few other things when I began to sneeze. Hello Georgia pollen.

Within minutes, Peanut appeared with her Frozen box of tissues proclaiming loudly "Mommy these are the softest and best!" and handing me her box.

I've had lots of these sneezing fits lately and realized that the other members of my house yell "Bless you" occasionally, but only Peanut tries to help.

Peanut stops what she's doing to focus on YOU.

Peanut says "Sneezing must really be frustrating for you Mommy."

Peanut stops playing her favorite outside game to go inside and get her own box of tissues.

She's willing to share her own special box of tissues from her bedroom to try to lessen your challenge.

I do a lot of reading about raising empathetic kids in the hopes of being able to nurture and keep this special trait Peanut possesses.

I think all kids are capable of being empathetic and we have teach it as an emotional skill just like we teach them how to make a bed, or learn to read.

Everything agrees that one (of many) keys to raising empathetic kids is severely limiting screen time.

Once we give our kids hand held screens, their world shrinks.

They can easily detach from those in front of them and focus only on what they care about.

Empathy requires connection.

Authentic, vulnerable connection.

One of the ways I'm nurturing this trait in Peanut is by sharing my own feelings.

Too often as Mama's I think we rush to say "Mommy's okay" thinking we don't want our kids to worry about us or carry our burden.

But then what do we teach them?

For one, we teach them they don't know how to read body language when they clearly do. We teach them their instincts are wrong, when they aren't.

And secondly, we teach them they can't help. Which is also untrue.

They may not be able to fix the sadness, the anger, the frustration, the whatever. BUT they can help us not feel alone, they can sit in the moment with us.

It's healthy to say "Mommy's sad" or "Mommy's frustrated" or "Mommy's angry."

Naming things is the first step to removing the power they have over us.

If we always pretend we aren't sad, frustrated or angry, then we've given those emotions more power than they deserve.

By simply naming them, we've given them a place.

We've take control over the emotion.

And we've honored our kids intstincts that we are not okay.

How do we raise kids who learn to process their own emotions if we never teach them that it's okay to not be okay in this moment?

Mama Warriors, we can be people who raise empathetic kids.

Peanut and I are working on naming emotions based on body language this week. We are talking about how you can relate to someone based on the clues they give you.

We're stopping when we read books to look at the character's words and actions and asking "What do you think they are feeling? How do we know?"

I'm pausing TV shows to talk about how a character's face flushed so we know they are embarrassed, or how another character is fussing at everyone so maybe they are frustrated.

We're learning to put words to emotions.

We are using our eyes to observe, but our hearts to connect.

Instead of rushing through our tasks lists, we can take time to sit in the messy feelings and teach our kids its okay to process those.

In fact, it's healthy to process those feelings. To feel the big feels.

Then, we can use those skills to empathize with others.

To connect because we will have taken the time to sit in the sad, the angry, the frustrated.

We can expand their worlds.