Fence Builders

 "There was this study done, where if you put kids in a field and there's a fence around the field, they will sit on the perimeter of the field by the fence.

If you put kids in a field and there's no fence, they'll huddle up together in the field.

Our job (as moms) is to be the fence so that they feel safe around the perimeter. " (Jennifer Garner)

Xman had to leave for work at 8:00 this morning. He mentioned last night he wanted to get up around 6:30 so he had time to drink coffee, shower and not be rushed.

I got up this morning to make the coffee and soak up that time with him before he left.

Because I know, if I'm up, he'll sit with me while he drinks that cup of coffee and he'll sort of ramble about this or that.

My parenting role in these teen years seems to be a lot of fence providing.

Deciding where he can and can't drive himself, what time he has to be home, what the limits are, what to say no to, and equally important as to what to say yes to.

Relying on his roots as he very much wants to spread his wings.

Trusting the seeds we've planted.

I was listening to this podcase where Jennifer Garner was sharing about her new movie.

She mentioned that originally the script was written where the teenagers were snarky and rude. She said she shared that it hasn't at all been her experience. Her kids are great. Their friends are lovely.

The heart break in parenting is that they are lovely and they grow up.

They are lovely people who you want to spend time with, and they grow up.

So in this season, I get up on the Saturday mornings and I make the coffee.

I linger. I wait for him to wake up.

And I soak up the loveliness before he remembers he's a busy a teenager with places to go. Other people to hang out with.

It's not always sunshine and rainbows.

Being the fence to someone who doesn't think they need a fence is an exhausting job.

And often hearbreaking because teenagers, like all humans, don't always think of the hurtfulness of words said in a moment of frustration.

They have no appreciation for the fence builders.

I'll confess. Sometimes it's hard to be the grown up and remember that underneath what at first glance seems like a self absorbed gentle giant, there is a kind and generous kid who is learning how to respond rather than react.

Much like his mother has been his entire life.

Mama Warriors, each school year I set a personal goal for me. This year I chose

"Relationship over tasks"

It's been challenging for me to allow many tasks to not be done in the timely manner I would have preferred, or maybe not even to the level of quality that I would like. Or to shift my focus on the time I spend with the kids from "getting stuff done" to "just being."

I've chosen to focus on the relationship over the task.

Not that the tasks never have to be done, or that we accept less than our kids best, just that in each moment I choose the relationship before the task.

I choose to focus on how lovely they are to be around.

Build the fences but then don't forget to hang out there.

Remember to just be with your kids.

Remember how lovely they are to be around.

Make the coffee.