Reflect

 "There is no room for moderation in the Resurrection story. Either it happened or it didn't. Of Jesus you can either say He is of no value or He is of ultimate value. You can not say He is of SOME value."

This week I began to gather together our Easter activity options and plan to spread them out over Easter weekend. I searched my box for an egg dye kit.

I always buy an egg dye kit the week after Easter when they are like 15 cents and then just store it with our Easter decorations.

I remembered that we didn't go out to the store last spring.

There was no Easter candy clearance shopping, no 15 cent egg dye kit purchasing.

A year in, I'm still not making unplanned or extra trips to the store.

While my facebook feed shows me that most have moved on from the concerns of COVID, we have not.

Sweet Daddy has had an EKG, a CT scan, and still naps when he's home more often than not. He's on medications he wasn't on before December. He has some side effects they are working to get under control. Still.

Covid is not done with us.

At least every few days I grab my phone to text my friend a sarcastic parenting funny and I remember that she's no longer here. I get teary every time.

Covid is not done with us.

Daily I check in with others whom COVID is not done with either.

I've sat a few times today in attempt to make words from my chaotic feelings and keep coming back to silence.

Which seems fitting for that silent day between Friday and Sunday.

I know many have rushed to Easter morning.

Me, I'm having trouble moving past Good Friday.

I'm stuck on that day of rest before the good comes.

In the still and the silence.

I've been reading this book on decision making (because rather make any of the hard decisions I need to make, I prefer to read about how one makes decisions). The book talks a lot about reflecting.

Make a choice for now, but circle back down the road. Did that provide growth? What did you learn? How can you use that moving forward?

I've been reflecting over this silent year. This year of the wait.

I've learned that I'm okay with being still. In many ways the pandemic slowed my life in the same way my gastro journey did. This time, I knew to lean in. Let it come.

I've learned kids are resiliant. For good or bad, Peanut's life has not encountered significant change since the pandemic.

We get outside a lot. We read books. We craft, we create. We sit and watch the birds. We explore, we learn.

We make conscious decisions about how we use our time. Our time does not use us.

I've learned that as a family we require margin in our calendar. Even the teenager needs to be told "no" sometimes so he's forced to stay home, be still, rest.

I've learned our communication skills need work. That people who spend a lot of time together don't necessarily know each other well. That we need to think about our love languages, our boundaries and take a step back before we respond.

I've learned our community has a long way to go on having healthy conversations. On listening to one another. Respecting one another. Having empathy for one another. That we struggle with saying "It's okay for you to make different choices than me."

I've learned we are healthier the more we sleep, the more we eat at home, the more we linger.

Maybe most importantly, I've learned that to be confident in our choices.

I can't think of a time before when our personal choices were this criticized by our family, friends and our community.

As we read the Easter story this week, I was most struck by Jesus dining with Judas.

Judas asks "Will it be me that betrays you?"

Jesus firmly says "Yes it will be you."

And then EATS DINNER WITH HIM.

That's a level of love that it is hard to fathom.

If we are being honest, I often struggle with eating dinner with a child who has been rude to me but I gave birth to them and I love them. I still don't want to share pizza with them that day.

There have been things said to us over this last year I'm not sure I'll get past. My own Judas betrayal moments. I'm not feeling like having dinner with those folks.

Mama Warriors, on this Silent Saturday, as Jesus rested, I encourage you to take a moment to rest.

Sit and reflect a bit on the last week, the Lenten season, or even the last year.

What is God teaching you?

Are you growing?

Don't rush to Easter morning without doing the hard work of the silent day in between.