Knower

 "Be where your feet are."

I crawled into bed one night this week and then sighed loudly.

"I have to go check the smoke detector" I tell SD as I get back out of bed for the third time.

To which he replies, "I don't remember you worrying this much before."

I wish I could say I had some kind, calm response but instead I gave my usual "I'm the ONLY one who does not take the battery out when I cook. And I'm the ONLY one who puts the battery back in regardless of who takes it out. How are you going to feel when the fire department shows up to the burned down house and we say, oh - there was no battery in the smoke detector so we didn't know until it was too late?"

9:30 PM me is not as grace giving as 5 AM me.

As I walked into the kitchen, and of course found it popped out since one of my teens ate a late dinner, I began to wonder - before what?

I didn't worry this much before we had teen drivers?

I didn't worry this much before the gastro mess?

I didn't worry this much before we had kids?

I didn't worry this much before we bought a house?

I didn't worry this much before I became we?

I don't know when "before" began but I think it slowly creeped in.

There's a heaviness associated with being the knower of ALL the things.

I know who goes to the dentist, where and when. Ditto for the doctor and any specialists.

I know whose sleeping more than normal and my mom radar is kicked in. Getting sick? Working too much? Eating enough?

I know who has bedtime worries and needs extra reassurance.

I know how many millimeters the cave in Peanut's chest is what the statistics are whether she'll eventually need surgery.

I know how much the dog eats and when. I know his routines and his comforts. Where the vet is, when he goes.

I know who eats what and who orders what where.

I know the dishwasher isn't anchored and falls out if the dog jumps in it. I know the oven only has 350 - pick any number you want, you are only getting "about" 350.

I know you can't wash clothes if it's been raining a full day.

I know how much our car insurance is increasing, our medical insurance is increasing, gas is increasing, groceries are increasing. Want to know what's not increasing?

I'm the knower of ALL the things.

I also know I'm the only one who knows all the things.

At some point, you can't be the knower of ALL the things without becoming the worrier of ALL the things.

There's an unspoken baggage weight of being the knower.

Not the doer, but the knower.

The problem is you can't go back to the before.

My newest book is called "Be where your feet are."

That's good wisdom for me.

Present, grounded and thriving is the goal.

Mama Warriors, you can't go back to the before.

Being the knower is here to stay.

You can't control or predict the future.

You can only "be where your feet are."

You can only learn to embrace the blessings of being the knower.

I know that Mo needs hugs and lots of petting when he wakes up. I get the excited doggie kisses.

I know Peanut needs me to pray over her and then pause, and listen. For after the prayer is when her worries come. I get to be the one who hears them. Who comforts and encourages her in those worries.

I know my teenagers are learning to balance work, school, friends, extras. I get to be home base. Choosing to be still at certain times of the day so they can touch home base before moving on.

I know SD carries all the knowing and worrying of hundreds of students. I get to carry all the things for ours all day so he can focus there.

The get tos out weigh the knows if you let them.