Friend?

 "When you are dejected, remember this, that God, the Trinity looks upon you with eyes brighter than the sun. God is very happy with you."

Over the last few weeks we've had extensive car trouble. My (still fairly new to me) Escape "GiGi" spent a week at a mechanic. Within a week she then had to be towed back to the dealer.

I've been without my car for 3 weeks now.

As does seem to be the norm around here, the week Gigi was undriveable was the one week all month that Peanut had an already paid for, much looked forward to, art camp. And the week our other two running vehicles decided to start flashing some lights of their own.

I sat with a calendar and tried to figure out how we get the work people to work (obviously the first priority) and if there was anyway we could also get Peanut to art camp.

I asked someone that I thought it would be most convenient for and they were unable to help.

I got to thinking on one of my morning walks that week - how is it I have 450 facebook "friends" but no one I am comfortable asking to uber my kid to art camp for a week?

I started scrolling down this list of friends and automatically "unfriended" nearly 70 people who I have not met in person.

I'm still looking at a list of the upper 300's and asking myself the same question. I'm "sharing" my daily life with all these people but I don't feel comfortable asking them for a ride?

I know that a social media "friend" is not supposed to hold the same definition as an actual "friend" but it's made me start thinking about the definition.

It's interesting to glide alongside someone else on social media. See their ups and downs but not actually be accountable or responsible for walking through it with them.

But should that be the case?

If I KNOW you are struggling - am I not called to offer to help?

This experience has made me feel convicted - am I a friend someone would be comfortable asking to uber their kid to art camp?

Am I a friend who shows up in tangible ways for those I love?

Amidst all the chaos around here, these two things showed up in my mailbox on exactly the same day.

A card with a prayer I continue to read daily.

A book to remind me someone listens when I talk.

Tangible examples of someone showing up for me.

Mama Warriors, this week many of us will embark upon the end of the slow summer and the beginning of the back to school business.

Let us all make time to be the people who show up for others in a tangible way.

Take the time to make the call. Send the card. Say the prayer.

Let's all be people who others would ask with confidence to drive their kid to art camp.

Pie Chart

 "I poured so much of myself into her that there's nothing left now. I gave her the very best I had to give, and now.....I find I do not have a great deal more left to give."

One of Peanut's current favorite movies is "Yes Day."

The premise of the movie is that the children think the mom is "no fun" and so she decides for a full day to say "yes" to all the things.

The audience got to see glimpses into the mom's life before the kids came. Trust me, she was fun.

The kids never saw this version of "mom."

Jennifer Garner's character in the movie tells the kids she was fun before her job became keeping them healthy, safe, and helping them grow into good people. She gave up "fun" for boundary keeping, accountability holding and family building.

I recently listened to a podcast about the "wine culture of motherhood." This idea that mothering is so overwhelming that you need to drink to survive it.

I also listened to a podcast that sort of advocated the martyrdom of motherhood. Sacrificing all the things for the "sake of the children." The idea that it's pure joy to mother.

I'd like to assert there's some grass between those two fences.

No one who has survived the toddler tantrum years or the teenagers who tell you they hate you is going to assert that ALL of motherhood is "pure joy."

There's no hashtag blessed feeling when you are trying to wrestle a screaming kid into a car seat.

There's no live, laugh, love happening as your preteen is sighing dramatically and slamming a door.

But I also think making it seem like you "need" to drink to endure this is also off the mark.

I read the quote above in a fiction book this week. The narrator was commenting about her own life in reference to a book she read for book club.

She has this "aha" moment where she realizes she's given EVERYTHING to this currently very ungrateful, disrespectful teenager. She gave her best.

And not only does that not seem to have gone well, but she also has nothing left to give.

I'm having a few "aha" moments of my own lately.

We talk to our kids all the time about living a balanced life.

If you life is a pie chart, no one piece of your pie should be significantly larger than any other piece.

School, work, friends, family, relationships, church, exercise/health, community - all hold pie pieces.

When we allow one pie piece to dominate our chart our lives become unbalanced.

I think often in mother hood we let the "kids" piece of the pie chart over take the whole dang pie.

Because they are needy. Because it feels like we "should." Because they are loud. Because someone has to do ALL the things.

I think the grass between the fences grows best when the kids piece of the pie chart is a balanced piece with all the other pieces.

A few months ago I started taking some steps to balance my pie chart.

My first step was to carve out 45 min - 1 hour every morning SOLO.

Well, SOLO plus Mo.

Every morning, rain or shine, I take the dog out for a morning walk.

I had been avoiding carving that time because I didn't want Peanut waking up solo every day. While I take my walk at the same time every day, her wake time varies. She's always asleep when I leave.

I realized that if Peanut is going to wake up to a joyful mother - I need to ground myself every single morning. Peanut is old enough to wake up, read the note I leave her, and start her day. We have a very solid morning routine that she can follow with, or without, me.

This one small step has allowed me space to see how out of balance my pie chart is.

Mama Warriors, as we all ready for back to school, back to routines, let's also evaluate which of those routines are serving us well?

When you look at the calendar of your week, are you making time for various pie pieces?

The best way to love someone else well is to love yourself well first.

Let it Rise

 "(To make bread) you have to knead it. Push and roll, push and fold, a rhythmic workout on your floured countertop. After 7 - 8 minutes, the consistency of the dough will transform. Smooth, supple, cohesive. That's the point where you have to leave the dough alone. It's silly to anthropomorphize bread, but I love the fact that it needs to sit quietly, to retreat to from touch and noise and drama, in order to evolve."

The other day the Xman said "It's been a good summer."

I thought to myself, "But has it?"

I've had hives since April 20th. The worst of it being during these hot summer months. In June I got stung by a wasp on my face and my eyes, cheeks, mouth swelled. Huge. Couldn't see, couldn't drive. In July I broke my toe and spent 3 days with my foot elevated and ice packs. Throbbing pain. We've had a car accident, a home repair and winding medical expenses with Sweet daddy's surgery.

I've also felt quiet this summer.

Drawn in.

I've brought home countless inspirational books and have not felt inspired. Marked no pages. Took no notes.

I read that quote above in a fiction book I'm reading this week where the main character is a baker.

I marked it, wrote it down, kept circling back to it.

I've been kneaded. Pushed and rolled. Pushed and folded.

I've been stretched.

And now, I'm retreating.

With each time I've been kneaded in life, there has (eventually) been this great growth. Emotional. Mental. Spiritual. Relational.

So, again, I'm reminded to just sit here.

Wait to rise.

There is always rising when you've been properly kneaded.

It's been a good summer.

It has.

As I sit in the rising, I can see His hand at work.

The wee one has soaked up some Jesus this summer and some independence. She's reminded me that truth is buried deep in my soul, and hers.

The middle one and I have worked on our relationship. We've spent countless hours uber driving the other two around and we've talked. About big things. About silly things. We've bowled and we've shopped and we've ate yummy things.

The eldest has begun to find her footing in her new. I can see skills in time management, work/school/life balance, and adulting all coming into focus.

This upcoming week we will (slowly) transition into our fall schedule. The Princess will take summer finals, finalize her college plans and make appointments for advisement and course registration. The Xman will tackle the summer assignments that have been sitting on pause. Peanut will begin first grade with the excitement only a six year old can possess.

I hear Him whispering to me.......I've kneaded........I've planted the seeds.....now YOU evolve.

What will I do with what I've learned this summer?

How will I rise?

Mama Warriors, perhaps you too feel kneaded this summer. Stretched and pulled. Rolled and pushed.

Perhaps you too need to take a moment to sit.

To let the kneading do it's work.

To ready yourself for rising.

It's okay to be in a place of waiting. I think we place WAY too much emphasis on having a grand plan, being sure of our next step.

Sometimes it's okay to sit in the now and wait.

Rising will come.

In His time.

God Wink Chicken

 When we watched the royal wedding, Peanut was very interested in what our wedding was like. A few nights ago we dragged out the DVD and traveled back in time a bit.

I'll admit to being teary as we watched it. Several of our loved ones present at our wedding are no longer with us. Several of the couples at our wedding are no longer together.

I read something this week that said what you remember is relative to the length of time from the event. There was a study where they had college students write down where they were when the planes hit the towers on 9/11 a few days after the event. Several years later, they came back and asked them the same question. A surprisingly high percentage of people could not match their original answer. Perhaps they originally said they were in the dorm, but now they definitely remember being in the cafeteria.

I had a dorm/cafeteria moment while watching our wedding video.

I remember my vows (and can almost still recite the ones I wrote myself). I remember that SD only read me 4 lines of his vows because he was so choked up he couldn't talk. I remember the song sung because it came on the FISH station for years after. I still know all the words.

What I didn't remember however was the majority of the sermon at our wedding.

It seems at the beginning of the ceremony, the minister talked about how he'd gotten to know us. How we were truly best friends.

And how he was sure you'd never find us at a table in front of a lawyer trying to undo what he was about to join.

I'd forgotten that part.

It was moving to watch some 21 years later. How accurately he described us after spending just a short few months counseling us before the wedding.

It's no secret that its a hard season here for me. I've become the weeping woman. Crying through my morning walk every morning. Grieving what no longer is. Figuring out how to make space for what is.

I came back from my morning walk today to find SD had brought me breakfast.

A little nod to remind me that I do not walk this chaos alone.

It's all personal and happening to me. But I do not sit in the mess solo.

As I listened to our wedding vows, I thought - boy, was I young and .......hopeful.

I announced to God and the chapel that day that I knew we'd be better together.

Because SD makes me want to be a better person. He reminds me that regardless how those around me behave, I still walk in love.

When I want to treat others how they deserve to be treated, he reminds me that we gift others the grace we would want gifted to ourselves.

Mama Warriors, I think all too often to weather the storms solo because we forget we are not alone.

We get so used to managing the circus on our own, we forget its a team job.

We don't ask for help because we don't think we should have to. Or we don't want to admit we need it.

It's a spiritual lesson to learn how to ask for, and accept help. To recognize when a battle is far beyond your control and surrender.

Lay it down and don't pick it up.

And maybe, just maybe, there'll be a God wink CFA chicken biscuit in its place.

It is the Lord's chicken after all?

Be the Sun

 "What if we decided that successful parenting includes working to make sure that all kids have enough, not just the particular kids assigned to us have everything? What if we used our mothering love less like a laser burning holes into the children assigned to us, and more like the sun,making sure all kids are warm? "

Part of my processing process is to choose a task. I've learned that I require something to DO when something is swirling in my mind.

Our chest freezer has had this build up of ice on it for a long time now. The ideal day to defrost a chest freezer is today. Above 90 degrees outside. It defrosted in about 20 minutes.

The ideal time to clean the garage while said freezer is defrosting is not today. Above 90 degrees outside.

But alas, that's how I spent my morning.

While I cleaned this morning, and Peanut happily played in the water mister, I thought about all my mama friends struggling right now.

My heart is heavy for many today.

I thought about Mamas who are brave enough to share their heart with me.

To say "My life is NOT perfect. It's a mess. This is hard."

I'm so incredibly thankful for that.

I spent a lot of years, when my big kids were little, hyper focused on THEM. Trying to be some magazine worthy mother.

Laser beam.

When Peanut was born, and our world was shaken, I began to ask God what was I supposed to do with all this baggage I had accumulated? Health stuff? Raising kid stuff? Finding my own knowing stuff?

I began to clearly Him say "this is YOUR mission field."

My mission field began to be SUN for all the mamas who come into my life. And to seek them out.

My goal is intentional warming.

Making people feel seen, heard, valued and loved. By authentically seeing, hearing, valuing and loving them.

Simply because they exist.

Not in spite of their struggles but because of them.

Mama Warriors, it's so easy to become laser beams on our own kids. They are high maintenance, time consuming.

But I do think if we want the WORLD to be a better place for our kids to become disciples in, we have to be SUN.

We have to warm all those He puts in our path.

I'd challenge you that where your struggles lie, also does your mission field.

Your place to warm.

Be the sun.

July 11,2020

Long Hike

 "inside the itchiness of our own skin is where we discover who we are."

One of Peanut's favorite places to go is what she calls "the water park" (3rd kid, she's never seen anything other than a natural version). On one of our recent trips, she said "I really want to be on the other side."

I shared with her that to get to the other side, we'd have to hike the half mile out, and then hike another half mile or so around, and then hike back in from the alternative path.

We didn't have time that day to go back out, around, and hike back in from the other way. And if we did, she wouldn't have enough time play.

She didn't understand why I just wouldn't take the shortcut and go across the rocks. I explained the rocks are slippery and I didn't feel that was a safe choice for us.

I started thinking this morning how many of us don't want to hike back out. We want the short way. The fastest. Even if it's not the best for us.

Water always makes me think of baptism. The constant renewing.

I thought about my own baptism. I was baptized on Mother's Day the year I turned 13.

I don't remember having any kind of testimonial moment. My mom wanted us to be baptized, so my brother and I were both baptized.

I believed so it felt like a "let's check that off the list" kind of thing. I mean, I did want to grow up to be a good Christian.

I have cried ugly tears at every baptism I have ever attended.

Except my own.

13 year old me didn't really know herself so apparently this didn't seem odd.

I didn't really think about owning your own baptism until the last few years. About it really resembling a continual renewal. A choice. A commune.

I think about my faith a lot like I think of Peanut sitting there at the edge of the water. Wanting to be on the other side.

I was raised in a Christian church. I can tell you all the stories - the Noah,the Moses, the Jesus. I can still sing you the song about Zaccheous in the tree.

But about 7 years ago I sat at the edge of that water and knew I had come at my faith the wrong way. I had come the short path. I believed what they spoon fed me. I drank the koolaid.

And I chose, even though it would seem pointless to everyone else - to walk away from the water. To back myself the long way out. And to head toward the water again.

Authentically.

Love God, Love People.

To no longer be okay with digesting anything at face value.

To read. To research. To pray.

To know.

It's been a LONG road.

And one day, hopefully soon, I pray to be back at the side of the water. Ready to choose baptism.

A few years ago I stood on the side of a lake as Sweet Daddy baptized the Princess.

Her story isn't mine to share , and I would not do it the eloquent, graceful justice she does, but she walked through fire to be baptized.

She wrestled, she grappled, she questioned, she pursued.

When you walk through fire, you become fire proof.

Mama Warriors, maybe you've come to a season of your life where you feel that itchiness under your skin.

That little reminder that you are not completely okay with where you are.

Maybe your itchiness isn't your faith, maybe its a relationship, a challenge or the struggles in your community.

I challenge you to lean in to the itchiness.

Do the hard work.

Dig until you get to the root.

I do believe IF we are in tune with His tugs, He prepares us for the tough moments through the small itches.

All too often I think we ignore the itch and then act surprised when we are met with an overwhelming challenge.

To grow we have to be willing to say "this isn't working for me" - we have to be willing to walk away from the comfortable, to take the long hike out and around, and come at life through a new direction.

If it isn't working for YOU, it's not working.

Tune into what makes you uncomfortable and be willing to sit there.

Otherwise, 45 year old you won't be any wiser or happier than the 13 year old version. Originally published July 8, 2021

Be Still

 "I reach deeply into the rich soil beneath me,made up of every girl and woman I've ever been, every face I've loved, every love I've lost, every place I've been, every conversation I've had, every book I've read and song I've sung, everything. Everything, crumbling and mixing and decomposing underneath. Nothing wasted. My entire past there, holding me up and feeding me now."

This morning Peanut and I got up early and made a grocery store run. We needed supplies to bake a birthday treat for tomorrow.

On the way in, we have the same chat we have every time.

"What happens if you get separated from Mommy?"

I've had the same conversation with Peanut many times before.

My rule is if you get separated from me you SIT DOWN.

You STAY PUT and I will find you.

I've read several book by safety experts. It's the choice most recommended. Kids can't tell the difference between a store uniform and a uniform of anyone else shopping. The more they move around, the harder it is for people to check an area and consider it clear. A child sitting alone in a store will draw attention and an adult will help. (the other number one suggestion is to tell them to find a mom - a mom with kids - a mom with kids won't leave another kid alone until she's set eyes on their mother).

It takes a lot of trust to SIT DOWN and to STAY PUT.

She has to remember I have never left a store without her. Not once. She has to remember I have her best interests at heart. I love her.

She has to BE STILL and TRUST.

I was thinking I'm decent at the TRUST,not so great at the BE STILL.

But then, if I really trusted, I'd have no trouble being still?

I tend to think if I read one more book or website or ask one more friend for guidance. THEN I"ll know.

I'm mentally scurrying around.

I don't take the time to SIT DOWN and STAY PUT mentally. I don't take the time to find that part of my deep soul that already knows.

Mama Warriors, we are all making decisions on several fronts this week.

I know we all feel like we need more information. We are checking data, reading updates, asking questions.

The next few months feel uncertain.

I challenge you this weekend to take a break from the influx of information and try to reconnect with that deep knowing you have.

You already know the right choice for your family today.

You just can't hear it for the distractions of the world.

Be still.

Trust.

July 3,2020