Exhale

 "Wrestling with the Bible releases it from the prison we build for it."

I woke up about two months ago with hives on my legs, that soon became a head to toe discomfort. Over the last two months, I've seen 3 doctors, tried multiple oral and topical medications. And basically, they are here to stay. The severity of them decreases with some things, but nothing has made them completely go away.

They are my new norm. Itching is my new norm.

I've tweaked my daily routine to include two showers, two applications of topical medications, new oral meds.

I've been thinking this weekend how I have been unable to write. Not two sentences in a card and certainly not Mama Warrior posts since all this began.

One of my favorite speakers says something like "Reading is my inhale, writing is my exhale."

I realized, I've been holding my breath.

Trying to stabilize myself. Again. In an uncomfortable health storm.

Finding that balance between accepting where I'm at and hoping it will be different.

Holding captive the thoughts that it's something bigger than is suspected.

It's been interesting to me how quickly we accept something as our new norm.

We come to this place where we slowly slip to accepting less as okay.

I thought about how this is true of relationships.

How easy it is for our relationships with others to slowly slip to less.

And how we become okay with that.

How sometimes we don't even notice it.

How a disconnect becomes our new norm.

This week we celebrate the anniversary of our Xman's baptism, and the Princess' acceptance of Christ.

I've been thinking about how we begin so excited in our relationship with Jesus.

Devoted.

All in.

But do we notice when our norm slips?

Mama Warriors, it's no secret summer is not my favorite. Beside the ridiculous heat, the days lack structure and routine and seem to create chaos after a bit. Or couch potatoes.

Perhaps in the chaos of summer, your norm has slipped.

Perhaps a disconnect has become your new norm.

I encourage you exhale.

Connect.

Establish a norm that feeds your soul.

Hope for different.

Eight People

 "I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us."

Last night we were talking about how before we had children we were adventurous.

This picture was taken in December of 1999. We stayed in the Heartbreak Hotel. We saw all the things Elvis.

I look at that picture and I'm both teary and hysterically laughing at what those two do not know!

I haven't slept in a few nights. As Iaid there last night, I watched the rise and the fall of his chest. I listened to that snore that means I'm really asleep.

I thought about what you see and what I see.

I see the blood pressure medicine, the asthma scripts, the inhaler. I see the records from countless surgeries (all injury related). I see the mid 40s demographic that is taking the latest hit. I see my rock and my compass.

In the last 4 days I can name 8 people we know with positive tests. 8 people of whom we do,or have done,life with at some point.

8 people that are very much not statistics to me.

And 8 people who I think would say "it's not the flu."

I've struggled with trying to find the right balance for our family. Faith over fear. Mental health as important as physical health. Understanding that each of my kids are different, with different needs.

Through it all though, I feel confident that I can say I have erred on the side of caution for YOU.

I've said no to birthday parties because one of us had to attend a very large graduation.

I've said no to small playdates because one of us encounters more people than your family through a job.

If we have seen you, I have been totally upfront of what I feel our exposure is. Our risk to YOU. I've given options - masks, outdoors, etc. I'm doing everything I can to protect YOU.

I prayed last night for God to give me wisdom in the big picture.

More than masks arguments, school decisions, open or closed this or that.

I prayed for grace for those who don't feel my 8 people's experience is worthy of consideration. Discussion. Caution. Care.

I prayed for me that my heart will soften so as my 8 people grows,and I know it will, that I'll be ready.

My 8 people aren't some media spectacle, or government conspiracy or whatever the argument is this week.

They are simply my 8 people.

I worry that we've become a society that until the people are "our people" - we don't care.

Not authentically.

It's not our mission field, it's not our problem until it is.

I think most current events struggles could be summed up that way - it's not our problem if it doesn't involve us directly.

Jesus didn't leave Zaccheus in the tree because it wasn't his problem.

Jesus didn't leave the woman at the well because her problem wasn't his.

I could go on and on but you get it right?

I'm challenging myself today to not think of all these issues as media or political issues.

But as people.

So, my goal is to do whatever I have in power to keep my 8 people from being 9.

Maybe you don't have your 8 people yet. Or maybe unlike mine, your 8 people said "it was no big deal."

Two of my 8 are hospitalized. No they are not elderly (though that doesn't matter in my book).

I ask as you engage in social media commentary and debate,that you just keep in mind when you comment that these people are somebody's 8 people.

When you make statements with no personal experience, remember you only have the picture the media has fed you.

Jesus left the 99 for the one.

Are we willing to make our choices based on the one, or based on the 99?

Either way let's remember all of these conversations are about people.

Let's try to re-frame our communication.

Let's be people who think about people first.

Buckled In

"With Jesus' help, we can silence the voices that tell us we have to be perfect to be loved by him."

Sweet Daddy and I met in the summer of 1993. We somehow had walked the halls of an elementary school, middle school, and high school and never met. We met in a mutual friend's basement the summer after I graduated from high school. Immediately upon meeting him, I deemed him "marriage material" for someone else. You see, I was knee deep in my bad boy dating phase. 

Over the next 4.5 years, Sweet Daddy and I became close friends. We traveled together, adventured together, and spent lots of time together. As friends. 

In October of 1997, I finally realized that not only did I love him, but I was IN love with him. I worked up my courage one night, as we sat in the back of a pick up truck staring at the stars to say it - "I am in love with you." To which he said NOTHING. I looked over and he was snoring. Seriously slept through my entire speech. I decided then, the next move would have to be his. And he finally made it there Christmas Day of 1997.

Because our romance began with a sound friendship, my strengths and weaknesses were already known. He had seen my no make up, hairs a mess, I just woke up look. He knew I'm unbearable to be around until I've been fed. And regularly. He knew I cry, easily. There wasn't much he didn't know.

Oddly, there was great comfort in that. He knew me, better than anyone else, and loved me anyway. 

You see relationships are messy. We've been married 15 years now - and it's a roller coaster at best. I take great comfort in knowing when I'm overwhelmed, and feel like I might just throw up, or I want to get off - he's buckled firmly in next to me. 

Jesus wants that kind of relationship with us. To know us intimately. Our strengths, our weaknesses. Relationships are not perfect. He doesn't expect perfect from us, just transparency.

Isn't that the message of the gospel, the good news? Regardless of our flaws, God loves us. We will never be "enough" in our book but we are always enough in His. 

"That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Cor 12:10

Good relationships take time. Commitment. Investment. Just as Sweet Daddy and I got to know each other slowly over many years, God wants me to invest that kind of time and energy in knowing Him. Being close to Him. 

Mama Warriors, today you are "already changing the world for His glory in just the way He planned: through (your) weaknesses." He's not as loud as the husband, the children, the bills, the world. Find time today to be still and listen for His quiet whisper. You are enough in Him.

God is in the Bathroom

"Some people think God is in the details, but I have come to believe that God is in the bathroom."

I read that quote earlier this week, and it has made me both ponder and giggle. So, I'm thinking it's fridge worthy. 

Perhaps it's funny to me because of all my gastro troubles and how important bathrooms have become. 

Perhaps it's funny to me because I'm a mom and the bathroom seems to be the place I'm most frustrated that people can't just WAIT for me, why they must walk past their father on the couch to bang on the door to want to know where the Doritos are when I'm in the bathroom? 

Perhaps it's funny to me because some of my most profound conversations with total strangers happen in the bathroom while washing my hands or waiting in the never ending lines for women's restrooms. 

Perhaps it's funny to me because I have this fixation now on knowing where all the bathrooms are. Much like I'd like to know up front where God is working. Where I can expect to find Him. 

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Cor 4:16 - 18

That "outwardly we are wasting away" part has stuck with me the last few years. As at times I am the not so incredible shrinking woman. Outwardly wasting away. 

I have to remind myself that I'm "inwardly being renewed day by day." 

Challenges are opportunities to TRUST. 

I think the author wasn't suggesting that God is hanging out with me during my tough times in the bathroom, but rather that God is in the ORDINARY. 

In the things you do without even thinking about it - brushing your teeth, using the restroom, washing your hands, kissing the top of the a little one's head when she says good morning, placing your hand on a spouse's knee when you sit next to them. 

The things you do as naturally as anything else - that's where God is. 

That's where He does his best work. 

In the ORDINARY. 

Mama Warriors, I think that's why many of us don't truly come to need God until motherhood. What's more mundane and ordinary than becoming someone's mother? When your day becomes filled with the basics - nursing/feeding, changing diapers, cleaning up messes, praying for sleep. 

Sometimes I think we search too hard for our "calling" when our mission field is usually within our fingertips. Maybe you are being called to love the bonus kid you cart to baseball. Maybe you are being called to offer wisdom and guidance, or just a "me too" to the moms at the park. 

Maybe, just maybe, your mission field is the ORDINARY. Maybe it's not fancy or far reaching, but maybe it's just as important as knowing where the bathroom is. 

Because maybe, God isn't in the details, but He's in the bathroom.

Someone's Person

 "There are seasons when we hold our faith. And then seasons where our faith holds us." Rachel Held Evans

Peanut and I have a tradition whenever SD is out of town.

We gather a movie, some snacks, fuzzy blankets and squishmallows and we climb into my bed for a sleepover.

Mo Trouble has recently been sleeping with Peanut in her room. Last night I was unsure what to do with him. He's not really to be trusted to sleep in a room by himself outside his crate .

So, we invited him to the sleepover.

In Peanut's room he sleeps on his OWN bed with his puppy on her floor.

I put his bed on the floor in my room. Got his puppy. Did his night time routine.

You can imagine how this is going to go right?

He laid on his bed 15 seconds.

Then jumped up on my bed, on top of me.

You see Mo Trouble is SUPER attached to me. Despite the two children who begged for him - I'm the one who did all the feedings, walks, etc. So I'm the one he attached to.

He only growls if someone gets close to me. He only freaks out if I go to the bathroom without him. You get the picture?

The entire night was a circle of this:

Mo licking my face, laying on my head.

Mo deciding I wasn't moving and laying on my feet.

Me moving. Stretching, rolling over, breathing.

Repeat.

All night long.

As I headed out to walk him this morning, I was cranky and tired.

He was neither of those things.

In his world, I'm the center.

He's grounded in me.

Sometimes he's on my face or in my lap. Other times he's at my feet.

He's never far away.

If it thunders, he's super close. If I'm quietly reading a book, he may meander to just past my feet.

He can always see me.

He trusts that if I go out, that I will come back.

He watches for me by the door. Always.

I was thinking about this intense relationship we have.

Me with the dog I never wanted.

It's a lot to be someone's person.

Mama Warriors, I know many of us are someone's person. Multiple someone's persons.

I was reminded this morning that "someone" was never meant to be our person.

That person that we should never be far from, that person that should carry our burdens, that person whom we should feel grounded in is Jesus.

I think we are often asking a lot of earthly relationships.

So much so that we don't make space for conflict, challenges.

We are called to love. To respond in love.

Even if the dog kept us up all night.

Bridges

 "Jesus didn't write a book. He formed a community."

If you know me, I rarely (because hey, never say never) engage in what I call "comment drama."

I don't comment on controversial posts.

I'm not going to sway your way of thinking in some rambling comment.

In order to have INFLUENCE in someone's life, you have to have a connection. It's because of the CONNECTION that people who love us should say "hmm - let me think about that."

Recently I commented on a post in a local mom's group and did not realize the pandora's box of ugliness that it might open.

These types of posts make me cringe "Tell me where to go to church - looking for somewhere welcoming with stuff for kids."

I have SO many questions.

So, a few weeks ago I posted them. What denomination? What do believe? What's important to you?

Welcoming to who? You or EVERYONE? Because that's two different answers.

Welcoming how? Like you can come sit down and people will smile? Or EVERYONE can lead, worship, serve, be baptized, participate in communion? Because that's two different answers.

Stuff for kids? What stuff for kids? What do you want your kids to get out of church?

Does it matter to you where the money goes? Do you want a church that gives to a larger institution? If so do you know what they do with that money? Do you know what they stand for?

Let's just say people are defensive about their churches.

I never said (and will not) anything ugly about any denomination or specific church.

I merely challenged that perhaps rather than looking for a fun youth group we should consider what our kids will LEARN and glean from that experience.

Do (most) of these people's values align with mine?

Is this the community I chose for me and my kids?

Will this be the community my kids and I can ask big questions in? Will this be the community that people will make space for differences?

Will this be a community where the connections I make will carry me through hard times?

At the core of it all, CONNECTION is where it matters.

Peanut has been so patient with me as she's traveled along with me on this big exploration. I hope she sees me modeling that religion is not a one size fits all. That there are variations between denominations and even between individual churches within those denominations.

And even if someone else's choice is not ours, we lovingly make space for that.

Throughout Jesus's ministry, we see Him making CONNECTIONS. He makes space for where people are at. He listens. He responds in love.

Our connection to each other should make space for us to believe, worship, vote, and feel differently than each other.

It should gift respect without judgement.

We should be able to ask each other the big questions and just sit in the response.

Listening without thinking about how to respond.

Mama Warriors, many of us are entering the tween/teen years. Where our hopefully our kids will own their own faith, thoughts, beliefs and paths.

I hope we are making space that it may look differently than ours.

I hope our kids know they are unconditionally loved.

Period.

I hope the connections we make buy our kids, and us, space to be different.

I'd assert that Jesus is a bridge not a ditch.

Let's build bridges.

Opportunities

"We can be damaged and heavy hearted but still buoyant and insightful, still essential and useful, just by saying I know."

A few years ago I embraced the idea that summer can be a time to rejuvenate my own soul. A time to nourish myself physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Time for me. 

This summer I've read a wide assortment of books. Many of them have been memoirs. 

Reading memoirs is an interesting thing. It's like for a moment you step inside someone else's journey and you walk with them. 

I've been thinking about - what would my own memoir say? 

I've often joked with God that I prayed for Him to show me how to be His hands and feet and he gave me poop. 

Literally. For the last 5 years, my gastro journey has been a roller coaster adventure. As I walked a rough weekend this week, I was reminded that God gave me health struggles to make me compassionate to others who struggle. It gives me a "I know" in. 

You may be surprised by the number of people who contact me every week with their own weird gastro journey. People I get to share my walk and my wisdom with. People I have the honor of praying for wellness for. 

Sometimes you pray for greatness, and God literally gives you crap. 

Who wants to talk about poop? 

I've often wondered this...........and this week I realized that God gave me an uncomfortable challenge to prepare me for even more uncomfortable challenges. 

It turns out I would be faced with more uncomfortable topics of conversations. I'd be forced to question everything I've been taught and believe. I'd be forced to wrestle with big ideas that I never thought would 

And I'd be prepared for those. For, if you can talk bowel movements with folks - you can surely talk anything else right? 

I realized today that I've been sort of frustrating with God for giving me poop when I really wanted something else. Anything else. 

Which makes me like a kid at my dinner table right? Like I'm starving, God fed me, but then I don't like it? I wanted brownies and He gave me broccoli. 

I read this devotion this week:

Have you ever seen the movie Evan Almighty? In the flick, the character of God poses the same interesting question in three different ways:

If you ask for patience, does God give you patience or does He give you opportunities to be patient?

 

If you ask for courage, does God give you courage or does He give you opportunities to be courageous?

 

If you ask for a close family, does God zap you with warm, fuzzy feelings or does He give you opportunities to love each other?

In sports and in life, we often want God to give us exactly what we ask for. Thankfully, that's not the way He works. He loves us too much to give us everything we want when we want it. Instead of fixing our circumstances instantly, He often puts us on a journey to change us, not just resolve our circumstances. God cares about the character and love being produced in and through us just as much as He does about the solution.

Mama Warriors, we serve a God of OPPORTUNITIES not always quick fixes. Let's open our eyes to the OPPORTUNITIES and be ready to grow and RISE!

Truth

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I still remember the first moment I put on my wedding dress. I instantly knew it was "the one." I felt like a princess. Isn't the goal of most young girls - to grow up, look like a princess and marry the prince? When I looked in the mirror that day, I felt beautiful. 

The world tells us our self worth is based on what we look like. The covers of magazines, the TV shows, even the commercials on the radio. I love to listen to the FISH but I always cringe as they run several commercials that tell you how quickly you can loose weight and "look great." We, as women, buy this hook, line and sinker. Because how we feel about ourselves is often a reflection of what we see in the mirror.

These two pictures were taken in 2001 and 2012. 11 years apart. 6 sizes difference. Six. When we returned from that trip in 2012, I saw that picture and thought "good grief - when was someone going to tell me how HUGE I am?" And instantly what had been a great trip (minus the stomach virus) turned negative in my mind. 

Psalm 139:14 says "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

There are NO conditions there. No, I am fearfully and wonderfully made IF I weigh this. No IF I am this size. No IF I'm having a good hair day. 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God has NO conditions upon his approval of me. 

"True self worth can only be found by examining who we are in Jesus Christ."

7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

I would LOVE to be as healthy as I was in that Legoland picture. Poured into what was once my baggy too big jeans. Enjoying treats, not thinking about what I ate or where bathrooms were. I'd love to be as mentally healthy as I was there. No roots of months of health madness exist in that picture. 

BUT, I'm thankful for where I am today. I'm 2 sizes smaller than that first picture. I'm physically walking a path of healing. BUT spiritually - man, God is growing me. He's stretching me. He's teaching me. He's pushing me. 

I no longer desire to IMPRESS anyone with the way I look (which should be obvious by my affinity for pony tails, no make up and drawstring pants). Instead I hope to INFLUENCE others by the life I live. I hope people see Jesus when we talk. I hope people feel His love. I hope when you spend time with my children you see seeds I'm planting. 

Mama Warriors, it's so hot. We're pulling out swim suits and shorts and tank tops and all those clothes that make you think about those numbers on the scale or the size on the tag. I want you to be HEALTHY. I want you to take good care of His temple. BUT I want you to love yourself. When you look in the mirror, I want you to say "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Because it's truth. We have to speak truth, believe truth if we are going to raise children who choose the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit over the loud voice of the world.

Proof

 "We place so much emphasis on feeling God in our present or knowing how God is going to work things out in the future. We spend far less time than we ought to looking back on our life and asking how God has already been faithful in the midst of everything we've been doing."

These two pictures are nearly 11 years apart.

The only two professional family pictures we've had made as a family of 5.

If you've been doing life with me for a while, you know that the second picture was the last time I left the house healthy for a long time.

Within hours of that picture being taken, I began a quick descent down the gastro journey. In a manner of months, I lost over 100 pounds. Became malnourished. Unable to leave the house. The physical symptoms produced a mental anxiety I still battle.

The story between those two pictures is long. Full of challenges. Glimpses of hope.

All five of us have scars from weathering that storm.

I wasn't the wife, mother or person during that time that I wanted to be.

I learned to ask for help.

I learned to set boundaries.

I learned to surrender to my body.

I learned to be still.

11 doctors, countless labs and tests and no one ever really figured out what was "wrong" with me.

On paper I looked healthy.

Data is often deceiving.

I'll probably never fully understand the years between those two pictures.

I do know that I am FAR more empathetic.

I am FAR more thankful for the small.

I am FAR more understanding of those who suffer with chronic health challenges.

My uncomfortable times made me COMFORT - ABLE.

It's tempting to look back on that time and be angry. This 3rd baby I prayed long and hard for - I was too sick to enjoy her first few years of life. As my other two became adolescents, I was busy trying to keep myself alive. Unable to be as present as I would have liked. In a transitional time, I wasn't the solid wife.

Then I remember to look for God's presence - because isn't it easier to see in hindsight?

I see the summer we spent huddled on couches watching Gilmore Girls and talking about all the big issues. I see the attachment Peanut formed as we all held her close. I see the marriage that rocked but didn't fall apart.

I see how God showed up time and time again.

Mama Warriors, often as we endure challenges we go searching for God in the NOW.

Sometimes that's hard to see.

He's there. But finding tangible "proof" in the midst of chaos is sometimes hard.

I challenge you to look back.

Find "proof" from the past and be assured that one day, when this is the past, proof will exist from now too.