Proof

 "We place so much emphasis on feeling God in our present or knowing how God is going to work things out in the future. We spend far less time than we ought to looking back on our life and asking how God has already been faithful in the midst of everything we've been doing."

These two pictures are nearly 11 years apart.

The only two professional family pictures we've had made as a family of 5.

If you've been doing life with me for a while, you know that the second picture was the last time I left the house healthy for a long time.

Within hours of that picture being taken, I began a quick descent down the gastro journey. In a manner of months, I lost over 100 pounds. Became malnourished. Unable to leave the house. The physical symptoms produced a mental anxiety I still battle.

The story between those two pictures is long. Full of challenges. Glimpses of hope.

All five of us have scars from weathering that storm.

I wasn't the wife, mother or person during that time that I wanted to be.

I learned to ask for help.

I learned to set boundaries.

I learned to surrender to my body.

I learned to be still.

11 doctors, countless labs and tests and no one ever really figured out what was "wrong" with me.

On paper I looked healthy.

Data is often deceiving.

I'll probably never fully understand the years between those two pictures.

I do know that I am FAR more empathetic.

I am FAR more thankful for the small.

I am FAR more understanding of those who suffer with chronic health challenges.

My uncomfortable times made me COMFORT - ABLE.

It's tempting to look back on that time and be angry. This 3rd baby I prayed long and hard for - I was too sick to enjoy her first few years of life. As my other two became adolescents, I was busy trying to keep myself alive. Unable to be as present as I would have liked. In a transitional time, I wasn't the solid wife.

Then I remember to look for God's presence - because isn't it easier to see in hindsight?

I see the summer we spent huddled on couches watching Gilmore Girls and talking about all the big issues. I see the attachment Peanut formed as we all held her close. I see the marriage that rocked but didn't fall apart.

I see how God showed up time and time again.

Mama Warriors, often as we endure challenges we go searching for God in the NOW.

Sometimes that's hard to see.

He's there. But finding tangible "proof" in the midst of chaos is sometimes hard.

I challenge you to look back.

Find "proof" from the past and be assured that one day, when this is the past, proof will exist from now too.