Heavy

 "There is a difference between the discipline of sitting down with God and the pleasure of knowing his voice. It is one thing to make yourself do something. It is entirely another to find pleasure in the relationship."

This is the toilet paper roll holder in my bathroom. 16 years ago when I bought it, it seemed perfect. You slide the toilet paper on. No small bar to take off and replace. However over the years, the weight of the rolls of toilet paper (and I'm guessing their not so gentle users), has caused the bar to droop. At first not enough to even notice. 16 years later, it is too slanted to hold the toilet paper as designed.

For many years, I had this idea of what a "good Christian mother" would do. She would rise early. Before her people. She would have quiet time. She would read the Bible, study thought provoking devotions, and she would pray in silence. Then she'd be all filled with the holy spirit and ready to tackle her day.

And since I could rarely manage to wake before my children (my Xman thought 3 - 4 AM was a good time to spend time together for nearly a decade). And my house is never quiet. And "thought provoking devotions" didn't speak to me. I always felt lacking. Not only was I not being spiritually fed daily, but then I was carrying around this suitcase full of guilt about it.

I became sort of like our toilet paper holder. Functional, but definitely not living the life that God intended for me. The weight of everything I carried took it's toll. And I never straightened myself in the way I needed to the most.

I *finally* realized that God didn't want me to feel like spending time with him had rules, or was on a checklist.

I don't make sleepers (go ahead an giggle if you've met my children). I never rise before at least one of them. I'm up a good bit in the night, and I've surrendered to that in this season. I linger in bed in the morning, dozing when I can, or sometimes just smelling the sweet way a 4 year old smells when she's snoring.

It's never quiet here. Ever. Sometimes I do my devotion with breaks to dance the Mickey Mouse Hot Dog dance. Sometimes I do it outside with the lawn mower going and the little one painting at her easel, stopping to say the Rainbow Fish looks just like the one in the book. My kids SEE me making it a priority but also making it fit in with our life.

I read a wide variety of Christian books, but none of them are the typical devotion book. There's rarely questions. I like books where the authors invite me to do life with them for a short spell. Where they share their brokenness. Where they provide inspiration for me. These reads often lead me to scripture, and I pull out my well written in, mostly highlighted Bible and I find the true treasure.

I rarely pray in that on your knees in your prayer closet kind of way. But rather, I've learned that me and God, we're in constant conversation. I ask Him to remind me to take that extra deep breath and RESPOND to my child rather than REACT. I ask Him to settle my gastro system, help me navigate the dinner hours. I thank Him for the giggles. I praise Him for the mountains, and I ask Him to stand with me in the valleys.

I do LIFE with Jesus. It's no longer something on my calendar to check off - quiet time. I EXPECT something of my time spent in Him.

Mama Warriors, I share this all with you to say - building a relationship with Him looks different for each of us. There's no formula or "good Christian mom" checklist to follow. We are called to DELIGHT in Him.

As many of us ease into summer season, and I hope find some new time on our calendars with blank space, I challenge to find your groove. Try some new devotion styles. Maybe online sermons are your thing. Maybe family style ones work better for you. Maybe ask a friend to swap their collection with you. If I'm not hooked in chapter one, I set it free.

Don't let the weight of all you carry keep you from living the life God intended you to live IN Him.

(Originally published May 2017)